


The Seconds That You Left Behind {Translated Work}

by GreyWolfandMoon, kradmesser



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 2012 Steve comes to 2023, Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Explicit Sexual Content, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jealousy, M/M, POV Third Person, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Smut, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2020-09-26 09:43:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20387680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWolfandMoon/pseuds/GreyWolfandMoon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kradmesser/pseuds/kradmesser
Summary: The few seconds that Steve left stretched into a century, pausing at a broken old age, and so did the heart of Bucky Barnes. He told himself to move on.Bucky finally gave up on his feelings for Steve. He started secretly seeing someone else during mission breaks until that one day when Steve found out who he'd been seeing...Jealousy and drama ensued.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is an English translation of [kradmesser](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kradmesser/pseuds/kradmesser)'s [你離開的那幾秒鐘(接復聯4)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18767710/chapters/44523436), which is written in simplified Chinese. I do not own any of its content. 
> 
> P.S. This is honestly one of the best post-endgame fics I've read. With great honour and joy, I present to you my first work of translation ;))

‘Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,’ said Steve.

It might as well be the same farewell as the one seventy years ago on that breezy night in Brooklyn. The heat from the hug was still fresh after Steve pulled away.

Bucky was looking at Steve. An old song shot through seventy years of snow and storm into his mind, the lyrics echoing, unrelenting:

_He left me for a damsel dark, damsel dark,_  
  


_Each Friday night they used to spark, used to spark…_

‘To us, it will only be five seconds,’ Banner was explaining to Sam, and then he began the counting: ‘Five, four, three, two, one –‘

_And now my love who once was true to me,_

_He takes that dark damsel on his knee,_

_Fare thee well, for I must leave thee,_

_Do not let the parting grieve thee,_

_And remember that the best of friends must part, must part._

The song wouldn’t stop. Bucky willed himself to contain the emotions it stirred up and watched his best friend leave.

He understood. He understood everything. Sometimes, he hated himself for being so clear-headed. That did not ease his pain at all. Dr. Banner was right; Steve would be returning in five seconds. He could deceive himself and pretend that nothing ever happened, nothing would ever change…

But he couldn’t deceive his heart.

He was unaware of the passing of seconds – it might’ve been ten? – and there, Bucky saw his Steve again – no, he didn’t have the right to call him his, not anymore.

Bucky didn’t come up. Seeing the trembling old man awoke the seventeen-year-old kid in him. At sixteen, Steve was still a scrawny little kid without the serum. He was always in bed, fighting against the ever-present fever and pain. More than once he had said to Bucky with that melancholy look: ‘What d’you say, Buck – Will I ever live to old age with this crap of a body?’

‘Of course,’ Bucky had said, his hand pressing on little Steve’s scalding forehead gently as he swallowed his tears and put on a bright smile. ‘We’ll both live well and age with grace. You remember I said I’d be with you till the end of the line? You will do the same. That’s our promise to each other.’

Later, Bucky thought he’d be forced to leave first. He’d be the one to break the promise. In the frozen chasm of Alps, and in the fall that felt like an eternity, Bucky had felt guilty on top of everything. He had thought he would never be able to follow the little guy from Brooklyn like he’d promised, he thought he’d lose _Steve_. But he survived – in a way more tragic than anything.

And then, when Bucky finally remembered the man on the bridge, and his conscious mind broke free of Hydra’s brainwashing, he fled to Romania. He figured he should never see Steve again, and that his solitude and anonymity was best for them both.

But Steve found him. He never gave up on him.

And then_ and then_, when Bucky felt his body dusting away, when he only had time to raise his voice and call ‘Steve…?’ before dissolving completely, he had thought, again, that this was the end of time.

Yet Steve got him back. The Avengers got the whole world back.

And what happened after that? When he at last put faith in fate and successfully convinced himself, holding onto the belief that he and Steve would finally have all the time they needed to grow old, his hand in his hand, Steve – Steve made his choice.

Bucky really did understand, that was why he didn’t stop him. Maybe that was the life Steve really wanted. He should’ve realised that since the very beginning; seventy years ago, in that noisy tavern in the town, Steve’s longing gaze had said everything.

And so, Steve lived into old age without him – he had only left for a few seconds, but he had lived a life he truly wanted. Bucky’s gaze flicked past Steve’s finger. A golden ring gleamed in the sunlight. That alone was the proof that Steve had received the biggest blessing in life in the few seconds he left.

Bucky shifted his gaze. He tried to ignore the bitterness that was beginning to spread from his chest.

Steve passed the shield to Sam, but Sam turned to Bucky. 

So Bucky nodded.

It was only a few seconds. Bucky hadn’t even finished singing the old song that transcended history and space.

When Sam took over the shield, his grip stable and warm, the melody that had been playing in Bucky’s mind finally stopped on that reasonable note –

_Oh! dig my grave both wide and deep, wide and deep,_

_Put tombstones at my head and feet, head and feet,_

_And on my breast carve a turtle dove_

_To signify I died of love._

Bucky let out a sigh unknown to the world apart from himself. And with this sigh, he knew, that something he had been carrying with him for years broke into a thousand pieces until its powder flew into the wind.

This something had been his spiritual support. It was his religion when he was being tortured and brainwashed, stuck in the middle of life and death.

And now, in the few seconds that Steve was gone, the something he had held was crushed down to its basic atoms, and was then promptly buried in the chamber at the very bottom of Bucky’s heart, which he would probably never unlock.

‘Hey bro,’ Bucky walked up at last and greeted his friend. ‘Welcome back.’

Steve turned his head to face him, his movements very slow and careful like he was afraid that turning too quick would break his ossified neck.

‘Hey.’ He blinked at Bucky. ‘Looks like you didn’t do anything stupid.’

‘Yes, I did.’ Bucky smiled. ‘You left for only a few seconds, but that was enough for me to do something real stupid that could shake the world off its feet.’

Steve arched an eyebrow. ‘Like what?’

‘Like singing a song.’ Bucky smiled again and lowered his head. ‘Super-duper stupid. But I don’t wanna talk about myself anymore, I wanna talk about you – how have you been these few seconds?’

Steve answered quickly, ‘I’m fine, just as you see.’

Bucky’s eyelashes lowered, covering his eyes that were slowly losing their light. ‘Yeah, great,’ he said simply. ‘I’m much more handsome than you now, you old geezer.’

Steve looked like he was going to lecture him in his serious captain voice, but then let out a snigger despite himself. With Sam at their side, the three men broke into a fit of laughter. It was not until Sam spoke that they finally stopped. ‘Now we should go home. Need us to hold you, ol’ Captain America?’

‘Listen, you’re Captain America now, Sam.’ Steve stood up. A tremble went through him. Though he was no longer the strong, agile, muscular Captain he had once been, he was still better than an average old guy, and he wouldn’t accept help from his friends. ‘And don’t think so little of me. I can still walk on my own!’

Steve was a man weathered by the long stream of history. His body had shrunk, but the stubbornness in his core hadn’t a little. Bucky peered at him. He couldn’t help but compare the old Steve with the little kid from Brooklyn seventy winters ago.

‘Where are we going?’ the short old man at his right asked.

For a split second, Bucky thought he had gone back in time in a haze – many, many years ago, back when he became the sergeant of the 107th, back when he first dragged Steve up from the trash bin, Steve had asked him the same question: ‘Where are we going?’

And what had Bucky replied then?

‘The future.’

That was when Bucky thought he and Steve would own a future together, a future in which they grew old side by side, not this one where he was still so young, and Steve so old with a life which he was not a part of.

So Bucky avoided the question. ‘How come you got old so fast? Did the serum lose its effect?’

Steve paused. ‘Oh, that…’ he mumbled, ‘I… shut down part of it.’

‘Why?’ This time, it was Sam who asked.

But it was Bucky who answered the question. He was calm and relaxed, the ghost of a smile hanging around the corner of his mouth. ‘That’s probably because he wanted to be with his dame until they’re grey and old.’

Steve chuckled. Sam let out a whistle. The three of them walked side by side, the sinking sun hanging above them, and the flat Nick Fury prepared for them was waiting for them.

Bucky’s pace was fast and light. Every movement, every part of him was under meticulous control. His eyes didn’t pass overly long over to his oldest friend.

He had the same thought throughout the journey. Now, he could let go of his wildest dream once and for all and be Steve’s pal, and only just that. Just a pal, a best bro, without any kinds of debauched ideas, delusion or hope.

Perhaps that was the best. They both got a way out.

Their flat was a suite with three rooms. That wasn’t half bad, really. To make Steve happy, Fury had seen to it that they picked a flat in Brooklyn.

The flat was packed with their personal belongings that had arrived earlier that day. Most of them were Sam’s. Although Steve had been living in the 21st century for a while, he never possessed a lot.

And Bucky, Bucky had nothing – he was all alone from the beginning to end. Even the sheep and goats he kept in Wakanda was only his on behalf of the King.

A backpack was everything Bucky had. Inside the backpack was the diary he kept when he was on the run and his brain still a giant mash. Now, whenever he thought about it, what was written – recorded – in the diary never stopped popping out and scaring the hell out of him. Whether it was the bloodied names written on the wall, the painful memories, or that very name he kept repeating despite himself, letter by letter, that name of _someone_ – Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers, Captain America, Stevie, Steve…

‘We’re finally home.’ Perhaps because it was Brooklyn, Steve’s mood lifted quickly after he turned a few rounds in the flat. ‘Hey, Buck, look out. Does it look familiar? Some of it hasn’t even changed –‘

Sam was shaking with the exaggeration only he possessed at the side, the sigh he let out long and deep: ‘You old ice pops…’

Yeah, many things had not changed at all – except you and I.

Bucky’s gaze stopped fleetingly on the Los Angeles Dodgers poster outside the window as memories of the past, of his worriless youth, came up and filled his mind.

He shook his head immediately to shake off the memories.

One should never allow oneself to indulge in the past. The biggest regret of Bucky Barnes was that, after he was brainwashed by Hydra, and during the period when he tried to remember, he let himself drown in those feelings he had developed since the 30s – there, he had almost lost himself and the chance to start all over again.

Reality was telling him to let go of the past and move on. He had understood it well enough in the few seconds that Steve left him.

That was why Bucky didn’t continue the conversation with Steve like he always did. He rolled up his sleeves in silence, his silvery metal arm shining, and opened the fridge.

As always, Fury’s arrangement was impeccable. The fridge was full with every kind of food they needed.

‘What do you hate most?’ Bucky asked Sam. ‘Eggs and onions?’

Sam frowned. ‘You know me too well, Soldier. I’m scared.’

Bucky laughed. He took them out and said in the loudest voice possible: ‘Steve, how does egg rolls for dinner sound? I’ll make sure to put more onions.’

Sam let out a shrill protest and lunged at Bucky. Steve sat at the table, his eyes on his fighting friends, his thoughts a thousand miles away. Suddenly, Sam’s phone rang.

It was Nick Fury. Sam spoke with him quickly, throwing Steve and Bucky a few glances from time to time. It was a whole ten minutes before he put the phone down.

‘Good news, Soldier. We don’t have time for dinner,’ he said to Bucky in a serious tone. ‘Sri Lanka’s down. We need to go now. Fury’s car will pick us up in five minutes.’

Bucky gave a noise of consent half-heartedly as if he wasn’t at all bothered by the sudden mission, though it was Steve whose eyebrows shot up immediately. ‘You’re not fully prepared –‘

‘The earth is still spinning, Steve. The threat from Thanos is gone, but the threats imposed by man on their own kind is always there,’ Bucky stopped Steve in a low growl. He pointed at Sam who was already packing. ‘You’re retired, but not me and Captain America.’

Steve was looking at him with those bright blue eyes – actually, they weren’t as blue as they had been when he was young – his mouth opened then closed eventually.

Bucky knew what he was going to say.

‘Don’t worry. We’ll kick their asses.’ He smiled encouragingly at Steve. ‘You can still make dinner yourself, right? Old pal?’

Steve did not seem the least bit relieved. The furrows between his brows only got deeper. He looked at the shield that Sam had put against the wall and hesitated. ‘Maybe I can –‘

‘No, you don’t have to,’ Bucky cut him off. ‘We can take care of ourselves. You… er, you should watch some TV, read some news, all that. Be a dutiful old man.’

Steve flinched.

Sam picked up the conversation. ‘Really, don’t worry. It’s not that dangerous. They’re much weaker than Thanos. Fury says if everything goes as planned, we’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.’

‘See you tomorrow.’ Bucky had both his hands in his pockets. He was not going to give them a goodbye hug.

Sam went ahead and put his hand on Steve’s shoulder. ‘Hey, I’ll take care of your boy, okay?’

The corner of Bucky’s mouth lifted. ‘What’s with that bullshit, birdie?’

They bantered back and forth and left the front door. Bucky carefully closed the door before he stepped out.

That left Steve alone in the empty flat. His eyes lingered on the door even after it had been closed.

Something was different, he thought.

It was something vague, something subtle between him and Bucky. It shouldn’t be like that. In actuality, he only left for a few seconds in this timeline. But why was it that when he came back, everything seemed different?

Right now, Steve was unable to pinpoint what exactly was not the same anymore. The only thing he was sure about was that he did not like this change.

Steve started making dinner on his own.

Steve had long got used to his old body. After he fulfilled his greatest wish of his life, he lifted off some effect of the serum, and with the company of Peggy, he lived a normal life of fifty-three years. And then Peggy followed the footsteps of fate and left him. In order not to intervene with the affairs of the present, Steve opted for solitude until that very day. He waited at the lake, just like how he had promised Bucky.

He passed the shield to his most trusted friend. To spend the last days he left in this world with two of his best friends was his greatest wish. But when Steve saw Bucky and Sam leaving for their mission in such a hurry, he realised that he could not sit back and turn a blind eye on it all.

They were all superheroes, especially Bucky – God, Bucky was neck and neck with himself at his prime – but why, why was he so worried? –

Anxiety hung at the back of his mind. The night wore on, and Steve went to bed.

The sleep of an old man was short and shallow. Five hours later, he woke up at dawn.

He made breakfast for himself. He kept looking at the front door. When the sun was right above the rooftop, he made himself lunch. He thought of what Bucky said, so he switched on the TV. He meant it as a distraction.

But Steve found that he could not focus at all. He spent the whole afternoon alternating between watching the screen of the TV and looking at the door. As the sun edged westward, Steve became more and more irritated, not even the comfort of the sofa could calm him.

When at last the sun fucked off from the horizon, the complete darkness of the room was a cruel reminder that the time when Bucky and Sam were supposed to be back had passed relentlessly. Suppressing the urge to curse, Steve dialled Nick Fury’s number.

‘Captain,’ was how Fury addressed him. ‘Listen, I know why you called. But this is a classified mission, and you’re no longer on the team. Forgive me, I’m unable to disclose any infor –‘

‘Don’t pull that on me,’ said Steve harshly. ‘Tell me about Bucky and Sam. _Now_. Or you’ll see me in five minutes.’

The other end of the line was silent for three seconds.

Three seconds later, Fury replied: ‘We have a problem.’


	2. Chapter 2

It was midnight when there was news about them again.

Steve got to the hospital, his breaths heavy and rapid. There was only Sam in the ward that Fury told him they were in.

‘Where’s Bucky?’ Steve asked before he knew it.

‘Thank you, you do seem to care a lot about me.’ Sam blinked. ‘He’s worse than me so he was sent to the ICU, and then –‘

Sam swore he’d never seen old people who ran faster in his entire life. 

The ICU was just round the corner at the end of the corridor. The light of the ward went off just as Steve turned, and a body covered in a white shroud was pushed out on a stretcher, a group of people in white robes surrounding it.

Steve skidded to a halt. He watched it with his mouth agape. As if he was struck by a lightning bolt, his heart stopped at the peak of its last beat, his knees so numb they nearly gave out. The buzzing noise in his brain had taken over his entire system, even the process of thinking was suspended.

It was when someone called out in a low voice. ‘Cap?’

Steve turned and saw Nick Fury.

‘Follow me. I’ll take you to Barnes. He’s just out.’

_Thank god. He’s alive!_

Steve hoped that his heart rate would go back to normal, but it didn’t. He followed Fury to the ward, his mind still a mess and couldn’t decide on a single emotion. He saw Bucky through the little window on the wooden door.

Bucky’s eyes were shut. He lay there without a sound like the Sleeping Beauty. He wasn’t put on the breathing machine anymore, but he was very pale, his long black hair spilt against the plain white pillow. There were lots of tubes on him. A nurse was there, fixing and checking on things and stuff.

‘A supersoldier indeed. His healing rate is as quick and surprising as yours,’ said Nick Fury. ‘I mean the you before.’

‘What happened to him?’

‘He and Wilson did the job, but there enemy set off an explosion on their way out. The fort was blown to pieces, and they were buried in the debris. When our people went for rescue, Wilson was seen his head bleeding. Barnes had it worse. It was all blood all over his body, and the burn…’

Fury dropped his voice. He found that the former Captain America was trembling.

This was a miracle. He never ever saw Captain America move a muscle because of fear. He gave Steve a curious glance and said again, ‘Lucky he’s got the serum. As long as his heart beats, he’ll be fine. And the doctor said he’ll heal quick.’

Steve let the information sink in. Without a word, he charged through the door. The nurse looked up in faint surprise. Fury did a facepalm.

Steve’s eyes were locked on Bucky who was lying still on the bed. He asked without mincing words: ‘When will he come round?’

‘Soon, the doctor said. It’s why I’m here,’ said the nurse in confusion. Suddenly, it was as if she understood everything, she brightened up: ‘Oh – you’re his father? Maybe you can wait outside if it’s okay with you? We’ll notify you once he’s awake.’

Fury was swallowing his laughter, but Steve had no intention to clear up the misunderstanding. He was still staring at the saline drip bottle on which Bucky’s made up name – James Rogers – was plastered.

Steve closed his eyes.

He bit his lip, but the stubbornness he innately possessed managed to creep into his voice. ‘I’ll just wait here, ma’am.’

It was at exactly this moment that Bucky frowned a little and mumbled softly. Then he went as still as a statue again.

Perhaps Fury was worried that Bucky would say anything he shouldn’t, he asked the nurse a bit nervously, ‘Does he always talk in his sleep?’

‘Yeah. He’s done it five or six times. It’s the same word he says every time though,’ she replied. ‘He’s always saying “Steve, it’s alright. I’m fine” or something like that. At least that’s what I think I heard… Steve is someone very important to him, I guess? Maybe his family?’

Fury’s expression was complicated. Steve took a deep breath. ‘It’s me.’

It was what Bucky had always said since almost eighty years ago – like after a fight with kids much larger than them, and of course they both got beaten up hard; or when they were on the battlefield fighting Nazis and afterwards, Bucky dressed his wounds so matter-of-factly like he was folding clothes. He was actually a year older than Steve, and had in fact been much buffer before the serum; it was only natural that he became the one who was inclined to think one step ahead and who always put himself last. Whenever he took a shot or two in the war, he always assured Steve it was nothing before Steve even said it out loud: ‘It’s fine. I’m good.’

It became a habit. Bucky would tell Steve he was okay, and Steve would go along with him. The matter was dropped before it was raised.

And of course he wasn’t even given the chance to say he was _not fine_ after he became the Winter Soldier.

Steve’s mood went even lower as he went after that train of thought. He dropped his head and sighed. ‘Right. Maybe I’ll wait outside.’

The nurse spoke again as soon as he turned for the door. ‘He’s so brave and strong. How can it be fine? I’ve never seen patients with their bones bare to the air and still say it doesn’t hurt in their sleep.’

Steve’s walking legs felt dragged. Pain shot through his chest like a dagger stabbing through.

That was probably because – because they were both soldiers.

Bucky, just like Steve, was chosen, without a choice, to become a soldier. To people like them who had fought their whole lives, they had been fed more with injuries than food. And Bucky was a supersoldier. He healed fast. Not even scars were left.

And because no scars were left, even if he lay down naked, baring his body, no one would be able to imagine the pain he’d been through.

But Steve was not no one. How would he of all people not understand what it was like to be like that?

‘He’s awake!’ The nurse gave a small cry.

Steve wheeled around just in time to see Bucky opening his eyes.

Bucky was way too sensitive than he should be. His eyes were unfocussed for a mere second before they went sharp and caught Steve’s.

‘Bu –‘

‘I’m fine,’ said Bucky weakly but quickly. He turned to Nick Fury. ‘I want out.’

‘It’s a paid leave. You’re entitled to a week’s rest at the hospital given your medical condition.’

‘I want out,’ Bucky’s voice harshened. ‘Believe me, I’m fine. I wanna go home.’

Fury turned to Steve. He was hoping Steve could convince Barnes.

So Steve opened his mouth hesitantly. ‘Buck –‘

Bucky finally looked him squarely in the eye.

‘Bring me home,’ His bit his lip and said without meaning to concede. ‘Steve, bring me _home_.’

Steve nodded. ‘Okay.’

No one was quick enough to catch Fury’s eye roll. He gave up.

After making sure that Bucky was really okay, Steve went to see Sam. Sam requested a discharge when he heard that Bucky was leaving.

‘It’s too boring here,’ he complained. ‘I’m not_ that _bad. My concussion headache has stopped. The burns hurt but yeah, it’s not like it hurts less staying in the hospital. I’d rather go home, have fun and forget all about this shit.’

So the three went home. Yesterday, it was two sturdy guys carrying a fragile old man between them; today, it was the same old man supporting the buff guys on either side of him.

‘You guys should do as I say. The nurse thought I was your father.’ Steve joked after they settled down in Fury’s car. Sam and Bucky didn’t look so good with their pale faces, so Steve was hoping he could cheer them up a bit.

Sam’s eyes rolled all the way to the back of his skull and back. ‘You and your shitty joke. I must be the adopted son.’ He nudged Bucky with his good arm. ‘And you must be the biological son. Your skin tone, your hair –‘

But Bucky didn’t retort like he’d expected him to. It seemed he didn’t even make an attempt to smile but replied in a low voice: ‘No. He’s blonde. My hair’s dark.’

Sam let out a chortle and whistled. ‘Wasn’t that Peggy Carter a brunette? If we say you’re their son from time travelling –‘

‘No!’ Bucky cut him off.

Sam flinched. Bucky close his eyes, his complexion paler than ever.

‘I’m tired, Sam. Let me rest,’ he continued quietly.

Sam had no idea why Bucky wouldn’t go along with his joke, though he did realise there was something wrong. So he shut his mouth.

Steve kept looking at Bucky, but his eyes remained tightly close. As much as it was clear to Steve that the unresting eyeballs under the seemingly still lids were whizzing fervently, disturbing Bucky further was the last thing he wanted, so he kept his silence.

The feeling that something was different between them was no longer subtle. It was practically on the table, second by second becoming more obvious and inevitable to be dealt with.

The atmosphere in the car was peculiar. The joy and carefreeness that had once filled the air when the three of them were together was fading away. Steve dropped his head, and the ring on his finger caught his eye.

He stared at it, confused. He didn’t really know when that began, and what he could do to make a change.

It wasn’t like this before. He and Bucky were so close that there were no secrets between them. There had never been a moment like this before where one was having a sulk and the other had not a single idea about it.

No, no… amidst the nebulous ideas that kept bubbling up, Steve thought he latched onto something, a vague idea: the trust and intimacy between them was all built on the fact that Bucky knew him inside out from the very beginning. Bucky could always tell from just a single glance what he was thinking. Steve, on the other hand – had he even tried to do it the same way Bucky did for him?

The nurse was right. Bucky was brave, and strong, and as hard as steel. Even with wounds so deep that the bones could be seen, still he smiled his way through– especially where Steve was concerned: ‘It’s fine. I’m good.’

And it wasn’t just wounds and injuries that Bucky had this attitude with. It was the same attitude that perforated every aspect of their relationship. Like –

Like when they were little, Steve had childishly thought that Bucky never felt hungry because Bucky always gave him his share of bread and shrugged it off. ‘It just so happens that I’m not hungry, and you’re too skinny. Eat more.’

Like in Wakanda, Bucky was the one who put on a smile and comforted him as he watched Bucky freeze up again with his heart breaking in half. ‘Don’t worry. It’s best for everyone.’

Or, or like yesterday – right in front of the quantum machine where Bucky said to him, ‘It’s fine. Go. Follow your heart. I’ll have your back no matter what… I’ll miss you, though.’

Steve didn’t think too much at the time because he reckoned that to Bucky, he would only be a few seconds away. He had thought that Bucky saying he’d miss him was a joke – oh_ please_, it’d just be a few seconds. Was it even worth all that drama?

It wasn’t until now that Steve started to doubt all this – in Bucky’s eyes, was he only just a few seconds away?

And what was Bucky thinking when they hugged before he departed? He remembered clearly the weight of Bucky’s arms around him, crossing behind his back as if he was hugging a piece of precious jewelry that he would forever lose for the last time.

What then, had Bucky’s face looked like? The rusty cogs in Steve’s brain turned slowly, difficultly – when Bucky pressed his chin into the crook of Steve’s neck, what was his expression like? What was he holding back that he decided not to say out loud?

The car came to a halt. The jolt was so great that it shook Steve out of his trance and got him back to earth again. His mind cleared, and he helped Sam and Bucky off the car. Slowly, they went into the building.

There was an untimely blackout. Darkness engulfed the corridors, and the elevator was out of service. The three of them – two casualties and one old man – climbed the stairs with all the power they could muster, and when they finally crested the flight and reached their flat, they were all out of breath.

Sam’s hands touched blindly. After some fidgeting, he unlocked the door successfully. Steve watched Bucky’s lean shadow in the dark from aside, a ripple suddenly spread from the bottom of his heart.

‘Buck!’ He spluttered, reaching out for Bucky’s hand despite himself. ‘Does … does it still hurt?’

Bucky seemed to have frozen for a moment. It had been a long time since this question was raised between the two supersoldiers.

A few seconds later, he yanked his hand away from Steve’s grip.

‘No, I'm fine,’ he said. ‘I’m good.’

And then he went inside, not looking back for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give kradmesser's orginal fic (link in first chapter) some love if you haven't already! xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

Fatigue, injuries and the long-lost moment of peace allowed Bucky to fall into a long, deep slumber.

A deep sleep; yet with a dream. Bucky was sure that he dreamed of many people; some were his friends and some weren’t, but they all eventually fought alongside him on the battlefield, and that included Iron Man who sacrificed himself, and the redheaded Russian girl who didn’t even have a funeral.

‘Привет, красотка (Hi, pretty girl),’ Bucky greeted her in Russian. ‘This question keeps coming back to me and I hadn’t have the chance to ask you – have we met before?’

‘Maybe,’ the Russian spy twirled her beautiful red hair, smiling faintly, ‘you’re the reason I couldn’t wear bikinis anymore. You probably scared me. But I liked you a lot afterwards, Barnes. You’re a good person.’

‘They say you jumped. You sacrificed yourself.’

‘I couldn’t have let Clint jump, could I? That idiot,’ she blinked slyly, ‘he has family.’

‘What about you? Your family?’

‘I have nothing. The Avengers are my family. And for this family, I did what I wanted, and you all did come back. The world returns to how it’s always been, and I’m content.’

‘Last question – did you love him?’

In his dream, Natasha had a tranquil and faraway expression. Eventually, she looked at Bucky and said, ‘There’s love that I let slip through my fingers, and there’s love that I bury in my chest. I have loved many, many people, but I chose to let go. I am happy now.’

Bucky woke.

He didn’t think he’d sleep till afternoon. Bucky looked around this little room, sun-kissed and warm in the sun, not a ripple crossed his heart.

Having survived seventy years of hardship and homelessness, this apartment was his safe haven although it wasn’t some luxurious mansion like those in movies. Not to mention it was in Brooklyn, his home, and living next to him were his oldest friend and new best friend in this era. Bucky found everything largely satisfactory since he’d got used to having nothing and suppressing his desires. That was because every time he wished for something, fate would snag it right out of his grasps.

But seventy years ago, when Bucky was a fine chap, he had had desires and dreams. Looking at the skinny but stubborn teen reaffirmed what he wanted most. He wanted it, but couldn’t, so he could only let his heart melt like chocolate in warm water and bury the thick liquid into the depth of his chest…

_Stop!_

Bucky shook his head, shutting down the memory. He forced himself out of bed and checked on the deepest wounds. There were already scabs and new skin growing.

And that was it. He was a supersoldier after all. So much hardship he’d gone through, and yet, wasn’t he still standing here, at home, well and alive?

Yes, this was his home – his friendships with Steve and Sam respectively would fare well, they lived together, and that was enough. He should never have asked for more… if he came to think about it, he was so much luckier than that red-haired girl.

Bucky walked out of his room slowly, turning in the direction of Steve’s bedroom. The door was open.

‘Steve?’ he called softly. ‘You here?‘

No one answered.

He went in and found that the bed was empty, the blankets folded neatly into a pile.

Anxiety seeped up his spine and he called louder. He went out to the living room, the name of his friend wouldn’t stop coming out from his mouth.

The living room was free of Steve’s presence, but there were two sets of breakfast on the table under which a note was placed: _Don’t worry, wait for me to come back._

No recipient, no sign-off.

As if on cue, another door was opened. Sam walked out, rubbing his eyes. He was obviously roused by the noise Bucky made. ‘What’s wrong? Your Steve gone? Nah, he mighta gone on a stroll in the park, y’know, old men love parks –‘

‘No,’ Bucky frowned, picking up the note, his tone invited no questions or doubt: ‘He must be doing something stupid. Let’s go!’

Sam was confused. ‘Where to? I’m just up and haven’t even brushed my teeth…’

‘To Fury’s.’

In the S.H.I.E.D office, Fury was looking at Steve Rogers with his lone eye. ‘Captain, please tell me you’re joking.’

‘No one jokes about things like this.’

Fury stood up from his office desk. He paced up and down in front of the full-height windows and let out anxious sighs. Steve, however, was trying his best to stand with his back straight, not a bit of him spoke compromise and backing out.

Fury stopped pacing at last.

‘I can’t agree to this,’ he said, his attitude strong, ‘this is suicide.’

‘I have the right to decide whether I live or die.’

‘But the point is there is no such need!’ Fury banged on the table, hard. ‘Why do you want to do this? Don’t you have faith in Wilson and Barnes? You recommended them personally yourself!’

‘Of course I do. I have faith in them,’ Steve replied. ‘I’m only doing this… for myself.’

‘What? If you’re only doing this for yourself, you should go home and rest! Why put yourself at risk for this? With your body, you can still live for some ten or twenty years if you don’t do this. But if you insist, you would probably die of –‘

‘I have made my choice, Fury,’ Steve interrupted calmly yet adamantly. ‘Please respect my decision.’

Fury was staring at him, ready for a face-off. Once tall and strong, Steve Rogers was towered over by Fury, but Roger was most apt at this – as long as he thought something was right to do, he would never retreat or compromise. It was never the matter with age or shape; it had always been like this.

In the end, Fury lost.

‘Fine,’ he took a form from the desk drawer and said through clenched teeth, ‘sign it. But know that the risk is great. I also need consent from your family, but then...’

Steve blurted out before he could think through it: "No, this can't be known to my family. He won't agree."

Frey raised an eyebrow slightly. ‘He? I thought you’d say now that Carter’s passed away and you have no family, so –‘

Steve paused. His mind went blank for a second.

‘Sorry, I misunderstood,’ he explained. ‘I was referring to Bucky Barnes. I can't let him know about this before I finish it or he will intervene, and that’s gonna be a big trouble. Cover for me, please, I will sign a confidentiality agreement, and all the consequences will be borne by me and me alone, I promise.’

The only thing Fury felt was the arteries pulsing in his temple, but he knew very well that to convince the old man before him was almost an impossible task. With great reluctance, he pushed the form and a pen towards Steve.

Steve quickly filled out the form and drafted the agreement. Ten minutes later, he signed his name.

‘So, when can I get started?’ he asked. "The sooner, the better.’

Fury opened the files and tables on his computer.

‘Three days later, quickest.’

‘Well then. See you in three days.’ Steve wasted no time and left.

After he left, Nick Fury stared intently at the form and confidentiality agreement that had just been produced, muttering, ‘Cap, you really are a pain in the ass...’

It was lost on him how much time had passed before someone knocked three times on the door of his office. He hadn’t even have time conjure a response, and two people broke in.

‘What in the…! You – why are you here?’ Fury quickly hid the document under his sleeve.

Bucky and Sam have walked up to his desk, standing side by side.

‘Where is Steve?’ Barnes asked right away, not bothered to beat around the bush.

Fury’s denial was readymade. ‘Why, he was never here.’

Bucky didn't continue but stare at him coldly, his eyes saying ‘I don't believe a word you just said’.

Fury could only sigh. ‘Well, he is gone.’

‘What was he doing here?’

‘I’m sorry. This is classified information, and your level is not high enough to access it.’

Bucky and Sam looked at Fury again after exchanging a glance. ‘Fine. I don’t have to ask to know the stunts he pulls. But tell me when he’s agreed to come again, at least.’

Fury was silent for a long time before he replied, ‘You know, Barnes, I’ve always suspected that you and Rogers share a single brain cell – so why don't you ask him directly?’

‘I have to confirm with you what exactly he’s been up to first. You should know that Steve would rather die than admit it.’

‘Touché.’ Fury only felt that Bucky had thrashed him through and through. ‘I now declare that you do share not only a single brain cell but also the data.’

Bucky’s reply was a hollow chuckle. 

So Fury let silence prevail. He folded up the form that Steve had signed, showing only the date, and slid it towards Bucky and Sam.

Sam gave a small frown. ‘This day – so, just three days later?"

Fury put away the form and examined the ceiling with his lone eye. ‘I said nothing. I do not bear any responsibility for this.’

When Bucky and Sam returned home, they found that Steve was already sitting on the sofa watching the news.

He looked very relaxed as if he had put down something that had been bothering him for a long time. He turned and greeted Bucky and Sam, and reprimanded them for going out without eating.

‘You won’t have enough sugar in your blood,’ Steve said, his tone didactic and serious, ‘Especially you, Sam, you are now Captain America. Bucky still has the serum but you don’t. I don't want to see Captain America on the news because he fainted on street.’

‘Yeah, yeah, sure dad. But it's all your little boy’s doing. He pulled me out of this very door on an empty stomach. It's not my fault.’ Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed the pack of bread. He sat down next to Steve, ripped the package open and wolfed down his lunch.

Bucky slowly made a cup of coffee for himself.

So Steve’s brows dipped again. ‘It’s extremely unhealthy to drink coffee without eating first—‘

‘Listen, we have to talk,’ Bucky interrupted him. ‘And, don't think that you’re really my dad with all the wrinkles, Steve. I’m actually a year older than you. I hope you remember that.’

Steve paused. ‘What do you wanna to talk about?’

Bucky turned to Sam in silence.

"Okay, okay, private conversation, I get it, and I’m the third wheel that everyone wants to exclude.’ Sam spread his arms dramatically. ‘It doesn't matter though, I’m used to it. I got used to it when we were in Wakanda. Whenever you guys met, you talked and talked and no one could come between –‘

Bucky's gaze became sharp like a hawk’s.

‘Is the Winter Soldier threatening Captain America?’ Sam was wailing with all his dramatics. Still he jumped off the sofa with the ease and speed of a preying falcon, grabbed the bread and milk and retreated to the safety of his room.

And then loud heavy metal music that could shake off the roof was heard from his room accompanied by his yelling: ‘I can't hear anything at all! Remember to shout if there’s a fire!’

But on the next side of the door, those in the living room did not have the slightest sign of a smile. Sam's going made the atmosphere in the room even heavier.

‘What d’you think you’re doing?’ Bucky crossed his arms and asked his oldest friend. ‘Can you stop doing more stupid things?’

‘This is not a stupid thing. I am doing the_ right thing_.’

‘The thing that only you think is right!’ Bucky’s tone was becoming sharper and harsher. ‘Steve, have I been too indulgent? I know you’ve always been stubborn, but now that you have lived two lives, take a good long rest is what you should do. Can’t you stop torturing yourself?

Steve flinched.

‘You knew.’ He sighed and gestured at his left side. ‘Sit over, Buck. Sit next to me. Let’s talk about this. Properly.’

Bucky walked over. The distance between them closed. But just as he meant to sit down, he once again caught sight of the golden ring on Steve's left ring finger.

The plain, simple ring always made him lose track. A wave of sharp pain washed over him, He couldn't help but clench his fists.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. ‘Steve, listen to me. This is your second life. You’ve come back well and alive, and it’s time you be the ordinary guy you’ve chosen to be… read the news, watch TV, get older day by day, and weaker, and then like any other old guy, you lose the power the stand, to sit, the power to remember me and Sam… until one day, I’ll find out that you will never get out of bed again, and when I call your name, you’ll never reply…’

Tears had silently filled up his eyes. Bucky found that he could hardly continue.

He didn’t speak for a while. And when he did, he nearly choked on his words. ‘I’ll be sad, of course, but you has as good a right as anyone else to leave the world peacefully, just the way you want, just like your late wife Peggy Carter… Your lives of courage, of fighting, of being the heroes you are have ended, and having a beautiful end is the biggest blessing one can imagine, I don’t see why –‘

‘Why d’you think I’d rather be like this?’ Steve interrupted softly. ‘I’ve rested enough, Bucky. I got the ordinary life that I once desired, and that’s enough for me. Now, I wish more than nothing to go back to where I belong. This is the life of a soldier.’

Bucky shook his head. ‘Don’t lie, Steve. Don’t I know you any better? I know way too much what you’re thinking. You came back because you wanted to spend your remaining time with me and Sam and leave without regrets.’

‘You do know me well, but you can’t deny me the right to want to go back to the battlefield. It was my wish to enroll as well in the very beginning, you remember? In 1943, I put down false facts about myself so that I could join the army. Why don’t you understand it’s what I really wanted? –‘

‘Don’t fucking shit with me! How would I not fuckin’ know?’ Bucky cut Steve off furiously as his temper soared. ‘It’s only because I know too fucking much and I… I had thought the same damn thing back then! I had the goddamn chance to retire – after you pulled me off that goddamn table at Hydra’s base, I could’ve retired –! I said to myself day and night, “I wanna go back, I wanna go home”. I hated war, always have – damnit, who the fucking hell would wanna go back to the war when he’s just been pulled out of it? What stupid fuckers would rather live with his heart in his mouth every single morning? You can’t pull that bullshit and expect me to believe you!’

‘But you didn’t go home.’ Steve’s blue eyes were deep and still, a bottomless sea of sorrow and guilt. ‘You stayed, and never went home, not for another seventy years. And all of this happened because that night, in the tavern, a stupid kid from Brooklyn thought it was cool to ask, “Hey, are you ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”’

Bucky knew he could not return the look from his friend any longer, so he turned his face and closed his eyes, hiding all the tears of pain under his eyelids from the Brooklyn old man.

He knew Steve more than anyone ever did. He knew that, despite the show he’d put up, he could not stop Steve.

As a matter of fact, it’d been nearly a decade and still, he had never once successfully stopped Steve from doing anything stupid, this time included.

Eventually, he forced the useless tears back in with great difficulty and asked, ‘What’s the death rate?’

‘30%.’

‘Tell me the truth!’

‘… okay. 59% precisely.’

Bucky’s fists were up again. He was shaking uncontrollably.

‘This is playing with fire – it isn’t worth any of it!’ He clenched his teeth and cried from the very pit of his soul, ‘if you die because of it… Steve, if you _dare_ to let me watch you die because of it –‘

Steve stood up. His wrinkled, flapping arms climbed up and around Bucky’s shoulders, trying to shelter him from fear and the uncontrollable trembles.

‘Please give me a chance, Buck.’ He was pressing on the small of Bucky’s back, his thumb sliding through Bucky’s dark brown hair. ‘Give me another chance to be with you and Sam, please? If I have to sit at home and wait while you guys are out there fighting with no lives to spare – that’s more excruciating than dying.’

Bucky didn’t shove him off, but he kept on swallowing, not allowing his tears to spill. Steve had no idea that the hug that meant to be a comfort, generated by the purest of hearts, was crueler than all the tortures Bucky had suffered combined.

To Bucky, the warmer, the more passionate Steve’s embrace was, the harsher it was a reminder that – Steve loved him. He loved him to the point of giving up the tranquil life he deserved and diving head-on into the chaos of war and destruction all over again.

_But your left arm is metal, and on his left hand rests a golden ring. _

_He does love you, but he doesn’t_ love_ you._


	4. Chapter 4

Three days later found Steve, Sam and Bucky outside the lab, the gloomy sky couldn’t be more fitting for the day. Rain pattered on the blue tinted glass panels and streamed down like tears.

‘This operative project that we’re having, which I named “the Awakening”, is a surgery that is going to be done in this medical lab,’ said Fury as he stared at them. ‘Only you can go in, Captain Rogers. Wilson and Barnes will have to wait outside.’

‘For how long?’ Sam asked.

‘Around two hours. This is different from the first serum injection that Rogers got. In theory, the serum is still in his blood, it’s only that part of its effect is switched off for the time being. What we need to do is reactivate it. But as you know, no other person has ever done it before, and we cannot guarantee that any complications or rejection hence arisen can be –‘

‘We know,’ Bucky interrupted Nick Fury in a low voice. ‘We’ll just wait for him outside.’

Fury opened the door to the lab, and Bucky saw that a group of medical staff was busily sorting out the equipment and bags of injections.

Steve took a deep breath and turned to Bucky and Sam, smiling. ‘Right, imma get in.’

But Bucky knew that Steve was far from what he appeared to be. The Awakening project had a 59% risk of dying, which meant that the chance of them getting Steve’s corpse out was far greater than him making through it alive. No one could pretend it wasn’t something to be nervous about.

‘I have faith in you, Cap.’ Sam was gazing at Steve in a rare manner of seriousness. ‘How about we have pizza tonight? When you come out, you won’t be complaining about the pizza next street being too chewy anymore.’

Steve patted on his shoulder with a chuckle. Then he turned to Bucky.

Bucky knew what was to come the millisecond his lips moved.

‘Don’t do anything stupid until I –‘

‘But it’s you who do it every single time,’ Bucky said before he could finish. ‘Especially

this time. It can’t be more stupid.’

He indulged himself in taking in the whole of Steve’s wrinkled face. This time, maybe just this time, he could look right at his friend freely, unscrupulously, without worrying it might give him out.

Before, Bucky knew that every time they separated, Steve would come back to him. They would always see each other again, no matter how long they had been apart.

But this time… just this time, the cruel number of 59% pulled Bucky’s heart to the pit of his stomach. He couldn’t shake off the effect this very number had on him, not the possibility that Steve might never walk out of that door alive again.

‘You’re gambling,’ said Bucky quietly, ‘with your life. You cannot afford that… Steve, we _all_ can’t afford that. If you regret –‘

‘I do not, and will not regret it. I believe that it’s worth it.’ Steve’s grab on Bucky’s shoulder was firm and powerful, his blue eyes sparkling. ‘Wait for me to come home, okay?’

Steve never changed. He was still that stubborn little guy that not even carriage horses could pull back if he wanted forth. Apart from nodding, there wasn’t much else for Bucky to do.

He could only watch Steve get behind the lab door. Fury shot him and Sam a glance before following Steve into the lab. And then, the door was shut, dividing Steve’s and Bucky’s worlds apart.

Closing the door was like a solemn ritual, a heavy ceremony. In that very moment, a wave of dizziness came over Bucky. The last conversation he had with Steve had used up the last of his energy.

‘Hey, you okay?’ Sam’s hand was on his shoulder. ‘You don’t look so good.’

‘I gotta… get some fresh air. I… I can’t stay here.’ Bucky put his head between his arms, a frown etched into his brows. He didn’t want Sam to see him like this despite knowing that Sam must understand how he felt. 

‘Can you please stay here? I… If there’s anything, call me, and I’ll be back first thing.’

Sam was looking at his pale face worriedly. ‘But are you really okay?’

Bucky closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘I gotta get out.’

He pushed Sam off and stumbled out, barging into the modern city until he disappeared from Sam’s vision completely.

In a corner of the familiar yet distant New York, Bucky stopped. He was wet from head to toe, the soggy black jacket and jeans pressing on his skin. It felt cold and stifling.

But this could not compare to the long winters he had endured as the Winter Soldier. As much as he looked like shit on the outside, a few drops of rain could hardly scratch the surface of his enhanced immune system. 

He just stood there, locks of long wet hair plastered on his face, his shoulder, rain sliding down from the curve of his forehead, landing on his lashes. He blinked uncomfortably. He looked exactly like a homeless hobo standing on the way of the busy New Yorkers, some of who generously spared a few seconds of their precious time and shot him curious peeps.

The hurly-burly of New York did not stop on the pouring rain’s account. New York was still the same New York, but it was not the New York that Bucky remembered.

He looked up in the rain, at the modern skyscrapers that seemed to go straight into the clouds, at the dazzling neon lights and massive LED screens.

It wasn’t like this before, a dull voice in Bucky said.

The grand French restaurant that stood before him was a dingy pub in the 40s. And the 4S store behind him was what used to sell old goods and stuff. He remembered vividly the gramophone that stood just outside the shop as if it was just yesterday. Whenever he and Steve passed by, they would stop for the old tunes from it.

Bucky was nostalgic. He felt lucky to have had his memories recovered because when he had nothing, he had his memories.

The world was not Bucky Barnes’s. Steve was not Bucky Barnes’s… but the memories were.

Bucky closed his eyes slowly.

And the precious memories poured out in an instant. Like a tape put on rewind, time was reversed: so raindrops rose from the soil, skyscrapers fell, and the hurried passers-by walked backwards, backwards…

Until it all went back to the beginning of the beginning. The old song was playing from the gramophone again, and girls on the opposite street were stealing glances at a bright young man with short hair, who didn’t hesitate to shoot them a flirty wink before pulling his skinny friend away with him and passed right by Bucky.

That was him and his Steve. That was the time of youth and innocence. They were inexperienced, and poor, but full of hope. Those were the happiest days of his life.

‘Goodbye,’ he said to the two boys that existed only in memories, their figures becoming smaller as they walked away.

_Goodbye, Steve. Whatever the result of the Awakening, it is time for me to say goodbye. _

As if he heard him, the skinny blonde boy turned slowly, his gaze caught on Bucky for a second as incredulity flitted across his face, and then landed on the gramophone, seeing straight through Bucky.

‘Nice song.’ He looked up to his tall friend, his blonde hair reflecting the sunlight. ‘Bucky, do you know what song it is?’

‘It’s Been a Long Long Time.’

The vibration of the phone shook Bucky out of his trance. Bucky’s eyes fluttered open. He rubbed his eyes, drying what might be a mixture of tears and rain.

‘Yes?’ He picked up his phone speedily. Fingers shaking, he willed himself to quell the rising fear and asked breathlessly: ‘Is that –‘

‘No no no, it’s not about him,’ Fury clarified immediately. ‘Nothing that you and I both fear.’

Bucky could almost hear his throbbing heart that was threatening to jump out of his chest. He breathed heavily and asked, picking his words very carefully: ‘So what is it about?’

‘Rogers is still under operation. I don’t know the specifics but there’s no rejection from the body so far. If there is I’ll be the first person to know. I called you, Barnes, not because of Rogers, but of some important matters that I need your assistance.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I’m sorry to have disturbed you in the critical hours of Rogers’s operation, but we detected signals of timewave disruption. This is very strange, and I think you will understand that there is usually nothing good behind it. We’re thinking this might have to do with the Avengers’ time travelling. You know, if –’

‘Just tell me directly. What do you want me to do?’

‘I’ll give you the coordinates of where the disruption takes place, and you will investigate it immediately. Act wise and swift. Don’t do anything but report. We’ll send you backups depending on the situation.’

‘Understood. About Steve –‘

‘Don’t worry, Wilson’s got it. We’ll inform you should anything happen.‘

Bucky hung up. A few seconds later, the coded coordinates were sent to his phone.

His became alarmed the moment he saw the group of numbers, a frown started to form between his brows – _he knew this place_. He’d been there before, and it wasn’t for anything good.

That was where Pierce imprisoned him – an ordinary bank on the outside, but was actually Hydra’s secret base. They used the basement for ‘storage’ and brainwashing the Winter Soldier.

Bucky texted Fury without a second thought: _Suspected Hydra remnants. Will further investigate. _

Fury texted back: _Be careful_.

The bank was somewhere in the centre of New York, not very far from where he was now. Bucky put his phone down and picked up his pace, the cogs of his brain were working at top speed on the possibility of Hydra’s comeback using the time loops created, and the necessary measurements he should adopt if he was largely outnumbered, and his identity exposed.

Bucky arrived at the bank no long after. It was open without visible signs of having been damaged.

But Bucky dared not let his guard down. It meant that basement was really where the disruption took place, which ten to one was Hydra’s doing.

Keeping his mind alert, he snuck in and lurked outside the locked escalator that led to the basement. But that was where only authorised personnel were allowed entry; normal people (like him) could not get in unless permitted. And there was still the problem of whether he could deal with what was down there alone to think about.

‘Can I help you?’ Perhaps he looked too messed up for an authorised bank staff, a security guard approached him with a suspicious expression.

_Fine. Time is of the essence_. Bucky clenched his teeth, prepared himself for the solo break-in. He took out the fake ID Fury got him and said to the guard in a serious tone, ‘I’m agent James Rogers. It is reported that suspicious persons were seen in the basement, and I need immediate investigation on the building.’

‘What? Suspicious persons? Impossible…’ The guard looked at him confusedly. ‘I’ve been here all day since morning and no one has used the escalator so far…’

This made Bucky even more uneasy. No one was spotted in or out, yet time disruption was detected in a closed basement. It was solid evidence that something indeed happened.

‘I need to go down. _Now_,’ he said with a voice a tad louder than was necessary. ‘Evacuate all the people in the bank as well. We don’t want casualties.’

The security guard took out his walkie-talkie fearfully and reported to the authorities. They were probably afraid that something would indeed happen in the bank, there wasn’t much trouble in the process. The guard was granted permission to get the key to unlock the escalator

‘If you need any help…’

‘You can’t help much. Just go and get the people!’

Getting involved was the last thing the guard wanted, so he stopped talking and ran away at once.

After getting into the escalator, Bucky took off his gloves, exposing the shiny Vibranium fist. His heart rose from his chest to his mouth as the escalator went down – he could probably handle it if there was only one Hydra team. But he knew Hydra too well. What if they got him with some extreme measures? What if they had the anti-serum? Would he have time to report to Nick Fury before he was under control?

_Ding!_ While his mind was miles away, the escalator had stopped on the very bottom floor of the basemen. Bucky caught his breath, took out his pistol, lowered his head a little and put his Vibranium arm before his chest. Fight mode activated.

The escalator door opened slowly, inch by inch, the whirring of the machine sped up his heartbeat and made his skin crawl. And as the doors parted fully, a huge figure was revealed in the dark.

There! Bucky’s arms shot up instinctively, the pistol aimed at the figure’s forehead. ‘Don’t move!’ he growled.

Without missing a beat, the figure raised his weapon before his body.

But when they finally saw each other’s faces clearly the next second, they were both frozen to the spot.

Bucky gaped at the other person in the basement, his mind empty as if struck by a lightning bolt, and still words found their ways out, though not without difficulty, from the tightened vocal cords and throat: ‘You, you’re…’

And his reaction was nothing compared to the other person’s.

‘Bucky… oh god, you’re Bucky!’ There was a shout, and blue eyes that Bucky could not be more familiar with welled up with tears. ‘You… you’re alive! You’re really still alive!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here come the exciting bits!!! Also I typed it in a half sleep so if there's anything that doesn't make sense, let me know. Uni life is having a two-week holiday in the middle of September and suddenly 5 deadlines roll up... cool.


	5. Chapter 5

Fury sounded anxious. ‘Do you need me to send my backups in?’

Bucky couldn’t help but shoot a glance at the man of wonder, who was changing in the dark.

To make him get rid of the costume-like Captain America suit, Bucky had found him a bank staff uniform from upstairs. The security guard was brimming with questions, but he dared not ask anything.

‘Um… there’s indeed a problem,’ said Bucky cautiously on the phone. ‘As far as I can see, it’s not a threat to anyone. But I need to see you at once… urgent, and private.’

Fury had no idea what Bucky meant, but it wasn’t safe to talk on the phone long. ‘Priv. conference room 2,’ he replied crisply.

‘In 20 minutes.’

‘Good. I’ll see you in a bit.’

Bucky hung up. He turned and took in the man who appeared out of nowhere.

He had already got his pants on, and he was now putting on a jacket outside the tight shirt that Bucky god him. Bucky gazed at him through the darkness as emotions started to well up in him – this man, he looked exactly the same as Steve Rogers, but of course that was the stupidest thing Bucky had ever thought because that _ was _ Steve fucking Rogers, for Christ’s sake.

But he was younger than Steve – not the old Steve, naturally, but if you compared this Steve to the one who volunteered to get on the Quantum machine and return the stones, he looked quite a few years younger still. He seemed to Bucky that he was –

A great pang of pain shot through Bucky – actually, the Steve before him looked more like his Steve from 1944.

Steve was only 26 then. Bucky was 27. Bucky had watched the 26-year-old Steve flirt with Peggy Carter in the little tavern with a tinge of forlornness, but he chose to follow him into the war regardless, and he did not regret it. Together, they became part of the Howling Commandos, they fought Hydra, then, they lost each other in the deep chasm of the Alps. 

The instant that Bucky fell off the train -- when it occurred to him that it was the last time he would ever see his friend -- in that split second, he had engraved the young face of the 26-year-old Steve on his heart. 

And in the dark, icy ages that followed, the face of the 26-year-old Steve had been his only linkage to humanity and his true self. It was what supported him despite the brainwashing that had erased nearly every bit of him.

Steve turned back to Bucky as soon as he was done changing, his blue eyes rippling with ecstacy. ‘Bucky,’ he said, ‘how on earth did you --’ 

Bucky looked away from Steve immediately lest he saw the different, coded gaze Bucky couldn’t help but cast him -- Bucky would not let him know the secret that he had held for a century, whichever Steve this was. 

‘Follow me,’ he said briskly. ‘Whatever you have to say, leave it till we’re at SHIELD.’

He led Steve to the elevator. He knew, without looking, that Steve had been staring at him. 

Steve was frowning. His scalding gaze swivelled with confusion around the metal arm, the beard and long hair. It was obvious that he had a million questions that he would kill to get the answers, but Bucky’s distant attitude made him pause. 

The elevator went up slowly. Bucky finally allowed his gaze to move from the floor buttons to Steve.

‘I have to remind you,’ Bucky’s hands were in the pockets, looking straight ahead at the blue eyes, his tone plain, emotionless, ‘this is not the same world you’re from, so under no circumstances should you reveal --’

‘Bucky!’ He hadn’t even finished with the dos and don’ts when Steve’s strong arms shot up around him, and Bucky fell into the bear hug head-on. 

It _ was _ him… it was still him. Bucky would always remember the temperature of Steve’s hug, the smell of his breath, his body, the pressure of the strong arms. To him, a hug from Steve felt safer than all the world could offer him, only that this Steve seemed to hug him tighter, warmer -- as if he wanted to press Bucky into him completely -- through the chest, into the skin, until he was locked inside his heart -- and they would merge and become one, nothing would be able to separate them. They would be each other’s one and only. 

This notion sent a tremble through Bucky. In Steve’s unyielding hug, Bucky felt even more venomous -- he had allowed himself to let go, move on, and forget any inappropriate thoughts about his friend -- why did he have to meet another Steve at this moment? Why did fate have to torture him like this?

Bucky managed to swallow all of that at last, his teeth on the verge of biting into his lip. He pushed lightly, only to find a push like that could hardly shove away the hug that was all of Steve. 

It was a mix of everything: bitterness, sweetness, pain, desire, hopelessness, and the new hope that arose from the ashes of despair… and then the elevator reached the ground floor, and that had saved him from all his struggles and mortification, just in time. 

‘Enough,’ Bucky croaked. ‘Put your arms down. There could be anyone outside. Go back and we’ll talk.’

Steve released him reluctantly. But he kept looking at him, and the almost teary eyes suggested that he did not understand why Bucky treated him like that. 

Bucky couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. The elevator doors opened. Bucky strode ahead, and behind him, Steve’s prompt footsteps echoed loudly. 

The rain was over, and the sun had come out, Bucky realised. Not a word was exchanged on their journey back. Steve didn’t dare ask anything, and Bucky let him. Twenty minutes later, they got to the private conference room using the discreet backdoor.

'I know the way,’ said Steve. ‘You’re bringing me to Nick Fury, right? Do you know him as well?’

‘I work for him.’ 

Steve brightened up immediately. ‘You mean… you’ve joined SHIELD as well? Bucky, that’s amazing! It means we’re still inseparable in the future like we were, aren’t we?’ 

Bucky let the question hang in the air, answering only with a silent silhouette of his back. He entered the password on the keypad, and they were let in. 

There was indeed only Nick Fury in the middle of the conference room. He was sitting at the table end, his eyebrows furrowed as he buried his nose in the documents he was holding, but as soon as he looked up and saw who Bucky had led into the room, he sprang to his feet, a rare moment of Nick Fury losing control. 

‘Motherfuck…’

‘Language,’ Steve said without missing a beat. 

‘I thought I was hallucinating -- ! Barnes, tell me what the hell is going on!’ 

Bucky spread his hands. ‘Damned if I know. Why don’t you ask him?’

Steve looked at Bucky, puzzled, and then at Fury. ‘Can I trust him?’ he asked alarmedly.

‘I think so,’ said Bucky, ‘that is, if he’s not a Skrull.’ 

‘What’s a Skrull?'

'An alien that can shapeshift into anyone they see, and can even inherit part of their memories. Not that I’ve seen them myself, that’s what he says.’ Bucky pointed at Fury. 

‘How do I know he’s not a Skrull then?’ Steve frowned, sounding serious. ‘Bucky, we should always be vigilant. My life in the 21st century, though short, has told me enough that this is a world much more dangerous and complicated than our time in the 40s --’ 

‘Enough!’ Fury banged on the table loudly. ‘Cap, you’re in a new world, and I totally understand your suspicion of me being a Skrull. It’s only reasonable, that’s great, it means you’re in constant vigilance. But the problem is, why do you question only my identity but never _ his _?’ 

He was pointing at Bucky. 

Steve stopped for a second. 

‘Because… because he’s Bucky?’ He said with the righteousness that made Fury sound like a fool, as though that was the simplest, most logical answer one could ever have given.

Fury gave a eye roll. He turned to Bucky for help: ‘Barnes, please tell him I'm the real Nick Fury.’

Bucky gave Steve a look and said, ‘Right, don’t worry. He’s the real one.’ 

Steve let his guard down immediately. 

‘Thank you very much.’ Nick Fury sat down again, his arms crossing as he leaned on the table, giving Steve a burning one-eye gaze. ‘Now, can you tell me why you’re here?’ 

As if on cue, Bucky’s phone started ringing. 

‘Sam?’ His eyebrows went together in a hard frown as his heart trembled with fear again. 'Did something happen?’

‘No --’ Sam sounded like he was going right up to heaven on the other end of the line, ‘He’s awake, Bucky, he’s awake! Awakening went more smoothly than we expected, and now he’s back! He’s completely back!’

Bucky’s lips went trembling. 

‘Right,’ he said. ‘I’ll be right back.’ 

He hung up and turned to Nick Fury, his chest heaving as he struggled to quell his exhilaration. ‘He’s awake - it’s done.’ 

‘Thank god,’ Fury breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Go quickly then. I’ll deal with him here.’ 

Bucky was going to sprint out of the room when he felt a large force pulling him back by the shoulder-- it was Steve -- the Steve that went through time to the future. 

‘Where are you going?’ Steve asked nervously, looking a bit tense. 

Bucky looked at Fury again, who frowned and gave an unnoticeable shake of head. 

‘It’s business,’ Bucky said, gently removing Steve hand from his shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll come back right away once I’m done.’ 

‘I’ll go with you.’ 

‘I’m sorry… you can’t. This time.’ 

Steve was a bit disappointed, but he didn’t say anything else. He looked Bucky squarely in the eye, his gaze passionate and longing: ‘I’ll wait for you here, then. You’ll come back to me, will you?.’ 

Bucky smiled lightly. ‘I promise.’ 

As he walked out of the door, he could still feel Steve’s burning gaze on his back, and if it could, it would’ve bored holes into him and started a fire. 

Bucky found his pace quickening. his strides became larger and larger until at last, he was running with all his might. Just as he set foot on the floor that the lab was on, just around the corner, at the very end of the long corridor, was Steve. 

Steve looked a bit tired but well. He was standing with his back straight, his pose firm, his blonde hair a dash of shining gold in the midday sun. He was talking enthusiastically to Sam -- apparently, the power of the serum had really been ‘awoken’. Steve was back at his prime. 

Sam spotted Bucky right away. He pointed a finger at him excitedly, and Steve turned around. 

Bucky raise his gaze at the blue eyes, a hearty smile blooming on his face. But despite himself, his slowed down his pace. 

For some unknown reason, the feelings of happiness and joy went as quickly as it came. Just now he was over the moon for the good news, but when he actually saw Steve who conquered the tough rate of 59% and was standing there, healthily, strongly, just as what he had been praying day and night, he felt a bit lost. It was like waking up from a dream that lasted a lifetime. 

It seemed to him their relationship had come to an end before Steve lay on the experiment table, like how an epic finale has had its blast, and now the end movie credits are rolling up. The in-betweens were fierce, soul-stirring, passionate; but the ending elicited only a sigh. 

And now, maybe they’d starting a new beginning. 

‘Steve…’ Bucky called his friend. 

Now, Steve was coming to him. Steve walking with his arm outstretched, _ coming to him _, was a sight as beautiful as a dream. 

‘You did it…’ The green eyes of Bucky welled up with tears. ‘You’re back, that’s -- that’s amazing!’ 

‘Yes, I’m back, Bucky.’ Steve was just steps away. He hugged Bucky tightly. ‘There’s no signs of rejection, no side effects, it’s more successful than any of us could imagine! This is what we called fate, I think. Thank god… Now, let’s go home.’

Bucky nodded, breathing out loud. ‘Okay, We’ll just --’ 

Suddenly, a face that was the same as the one in front of him flashed before his eyes, and the owner of it was begging: _‘I’ll wait for you here, then. You’ll come back to me, will you?’ _

‘I…’ Bucky hesitated. ‘Steve, I’m glad that you’re well. But I’ve got something on my hands… Now I must get back to Fury. Maybe you and Sam go home first.’ 

‘What’s happened?’ A frown knitted Steve’s brows together. ‘Fury gave you new missions? D’you need anything? Sam and I can help.’ 

‘No, no, you don’t have to,’ said Bucky quickly. ‘This… this is a top secret mission. Sorry, Steve. I can’t tell anyone, not even you.’ 

Steve’s frown etched deeper into the furrows. ‘You know, Buck, I didn’t give you the shield because I wanted you to live freely without the responsibilities that you’ve … Well, just know that you can say “no” to Fury, alright? You don’t have to take whatever he gives you.’

Bucky shook his head and laughed wryly. ‘Not this one, I’m afraid. It has to be me this time.’

Steve nodded with understanding, but still he asked, ‘So when will you be back?’

Bucky glanced at his watch. ‘I think -- I might be able to go back for dinner with you guys. Hey, didn’t Sam say he wants pizza?’

The heaviness on Steve’s face went off a little. He reached out, the shoulder grab on Bucky as firm as it had always been. ‘Take care. Inform us first thing if there’s anything. I don’t want to see you unconscious in the hospital again, I can’t --’ 

‘I get it. Don’t worry about me. It’s not dangerous at all,’ Bucky interrupted. ‘Well, then, here I go. See you guys at night.’ 

‘See you.’

Steve retrieved his hand from Bucky’s shoulder and watched him leave. 

After Bucky’s shadow had completely disappeared behind the corner, Steve turned around. He was going to look for Sam, but then something between his fingers caught his attention. It was probably from Bucky. 

He raised his hand in the sunlight. It was a lock of blonde hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funnily enough this was written before Spiderman 2 came out. So whether this Nick Fury is a Skrull, well, that's open to debate.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. November's been a busy month.

Steve was detailing his journey through time to Fury. 

‘I got told things that blew my mind, and since I don’t know when, the Hydra spies in SHIELD started thinking I’m on their side,’ he said. ‘So I pretend to be what they think I am and make investigations on how they’re organised.’ 

Fury nodded. ‘A very smart way.’

As if on cue, Bucky pushed open the door to the conference room. Steve’s head snapped back. 

‘Bucky!’ His voice was faintly shaky with relief and surprise. ‘You really came…’

‘Of course I did. I promised.’ 

‘I…’

Fury coughed dryly, a sign to Bucky that he sit next to Steve, and a reminder for Steve not to lose focus but continue. Bucky obeyed, and gestured for Steve to speak as he settled down. 

Steve nodded at Bucky, then said, ‘But never had I expected that, in Pierce’s data bank, I found your… file… as the Winter Soldier.’ 

He paused and made a glance at Bucky. Bucky felt a tug at his wounded heart, his eyes downcast. ‘You… you read through my file?’ he asked in a low voice. 

‘I did. You won’t be able to imagine how I felt, Bucky… it was shock, pain, and unquenchable fury!’ Steve’s emotions ran wild, and he nearly lost his grip on the harness to reined them in. ‘We have fought against Hydra, and you paid for it with your life. And then? Hydra thrived under the very nose of SHIELD, and they -- they did such unspeakable, abominable thing to you! I was so pissed that I was only one step away from tearing the whole SHIELD down!’ 

‘Okay, calm down, you did tear it down, so,’ Fury tried to sound comforting. ‘You said you’re from 2012? Then it’s two years later that you did it all at once, SHIELD and Hydra. But we’re now in 2023, Cap, and this is a new SHIELD that we founded from the ashes of the old, corrupted one. We’re different, so please don’t see us as your enemy.’ 

Steve’s furrowed eyebrows did not relax. ‘How can I be sure that you’ve really cleansed SHIELD throughout and you’re not just saying that to placate me?’

‘I’ve made sure of it. We’ve both done a lot.’ Fury put up his hands and surrendered. He turned to Bucky for help. ‘See, even Barnes is working in SHIELD now.’ And then he winked at Bucky like his life depended on it. 

So Bucky went along with him. ‘Yeah, he’s right. It’s all in the past.’ 

Steve looked down, his eyes on Bucky’s bare silver arm. 

Bucky took no time to notice he was being watched. He pulled down the sleeve, and his voice became softer: ‘Let’s not stress ourselves over this anymore. It’s over. Where were we, Steve?’ 

‘... right.’ Steve raised his head and looked at Nick Fury. ‘As I was saying, I was on the verge on exploding on the spot, but Hydra’s bases were the secrets of secrets. On wrong move, I could’ve brought Bucky trouble, so I could only go long and keep looking. At last, I found a file, and from there I found the basement in a bank in New York, which was said to be one of the places that stored the Winter Soldiers.’

‘That’s why you went there?’ 

‘Yep. On the very night that I read the file.’ Steve nodded. ‘It wasn’t difficult to crack the elevator code. Night was an excellent cover, which only made sneaking around easier. But it was pitch black in the basement, and none of the Hydra agents that I expected. I didn’t wanna give up just that way, so I kept looking, hoping to find something. And -- and then, in one of the rooms, there was an odd chair with complicated systems. That chair seemed quite similar to the chair that brainwashes the Winter Soldier in the pictures.’ 

That was way more than just over. Bucky had thought it had healed, scarred, and would completely disappear in due course; but when the Steve from 2012 detailed his encounter with the brainwashing devices, Bucky felt that the his temple, where electricity had been broke him and entered his body, was sore with pain from remembering. 

‘Then?’ Was what he managed to croak out. 

‘Then it was where it became completely incomprehensible. I was walking towards the chair, and the split second before I touched it, everything around me started spinning… I thought I had entered a very strange state, my body was distorted, and I felt like the spin was tearing me apart -- literally -- and I passed out. When I came around, I was still in the same room. The basement looked quite the same except where the chair had been were rows of safes.’ 

Fury pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Could it be something that the Avengers left behind when they time travelled? But… that shouldn’t be it. From the Avegners’ record of where they’d been to during the jump, that wasn’t one of the spots.’

‘I couldn’t explain it as well. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t forget my mission… and then I saw the label on the locker read 2023. It was a great shock, but then I had met people from the future not long ago, so I figured I was probably transported to the future by mistake.’

‘Kidnapped into the future and still rational, you’re really Captain America.’ 

‘You know as well as I do that it’s not my first time going to the future,’ Steve sighed. ‘Seventy years had slipped the last time I slept and woke up. It’s only eleven this time. Really, it’s nothing.’ 

And then they talked about some other details of Steve’s time travel, but since Steve knew very little about it -- he was a passive participant after all -- there wasn’t much to discuss. To him, it was only an incredible second. 

The meeting lasted for two hours. Fury was quite frustrated as it progressed towards the end. It was not an unwise decision to put an end to the meeting when there was no delivery of messages of substance anymore. 

‘So what do we do with him?’ Bucky asked. ‘Send him back?’ 

‘It’s gonna be a bit difficult,’ said Fury. ‘It’s what’s getting on my nerves, actually -- Banner reported to me a couple of days ago the Quantum machine was a bit unstable, and he’s already on it with Lang. That’s not the worst of it though. The board of administration just issued a statement on banning the use of the machine as the effects it brings is inestimable, and very often, disastrous. The Captain America in front of us, for one, is the inestimable consequence of time travelling.’ 

‘What should we do then? We can’t just let him stay in 2023. Besides, people needed Captain America in 2012.’ 

‘That’s right. We need time to fix the machine as well as the brains of board members. But don’t worry, he will be able to return to exactly when he came from however long he stays here with a maximum error of no more than five seconds.’

Steve was apparently puzzled. Bucky digested what Fury suggested thoroughly, and asked again, ‘So what’s your plan now?’ 

‘What other plans do I have? Get him settled.’ Fury opened a drawer in a swift move, threw Bucky a bunch of keys, and recited an address in Brooklyn.

‘Another safehouse in Brooklyn?’ Bucky held the keys, a look of resignation on his face. ‘How obsessed are you with Brooklyn?’ 

‘So-so, not half as much as you are, anyway,’ said Fury. ‘Barnes, you’re the first person he met after he arrived, and he trusts you, so it has to be no one but you to deal with him. Good, I’ll pass him on to you then. I trust that you know the protocols…? There’s only one rule -- don’t let him meet himself.’ 

‘Understood,’ said Bucky as he stood up. ‘Is that everything?’ 

‘Take good care of him, Barnes.’ Fury waved. ‘Can’t do 2012 Cap dirty, can we?’ 

So Bucky patted Steve on the shoulder. ‘Let’s go.’ 

Although Steve looked like he still hadn’t figured out what was happening, he wasn’t the least worried -- all his attention was on Bucky the whole time. 

In his SHIELD office, Bucky picked for Steve the least attention-drawing outfit he had, the one that covered him from head to toe. Then they left for Fury’s safehouse. 

In the subway, Steve could no longer hold back his questions. ‘So, how are you now?’ 

‘Um… not bad.’ Bucky threw him a grin.

‘Buck, your hair is so long.’

Bucky peered at his shoulders where dark brown hair cascaded off. ‘To be frank, I barely have time to groom it.’

‘You have a beard now? Didn’t you say you liked a shaved chin better? That was why you wouldn’t let me grow a beard.’

‘... you do talk a lot.’ 

Steve went quiet. 

They stood in the corner of the train, Bucky facing the wall, his hands deep in the pockets. Naturally, Steve positioned himself behind Bucky so that Bucky was trapped between the wall and Steve. The train ran and jolted, and they followed along with the inertia. To Steve, it had become more than clear that Bucky did not want excessive contact with him, but he didn’t know what had happened after 2012 that made Bucky so distant. Because in his memory, Bucky was still the Bucky in 1944; no matter what Steve did, Bucky would always be his big brother; they were so close that nothing could come between. 

That made Steve a bit upset. He blinked, his clear blue eyes taking in the whole of Bucky’s face. Bucky lowered his head and let the hood fall down even more so that his face was buried in it, safe from the burning gaze of the young Steve. 

They arrived at the safehouse not long after. Bucky open the door. Dust and dinginess welcomed them. 

‘Heavens, Fury,’ Bucky said, his hand pressing tightly on his nose, ‘this is one hell of a place. When was the last time someone lived here?’

They went on a short house tour. It was just a one-room suite, though furnished, provided no necessities or food for its guests. 

Helpless, Bucky turned to Steve, who spoke before he managed to utter a word, ‘I don’t have dime they use in modern times -- not even the 2012 ones.’

‘I can give you money, and then you might wanna…’

‘But I don’t know anyone or anywhere here, Buck. It’s a strange place.’ 

‘Where do you live in 2012? It’s still New York. You’ve been here since 1918.’

‘... but I’m scared, Buck,’ begged Steve, though he did not appear so. ‘It’s the future I’m in,  _ alone _ , and to be precise, I’m from 1945, and it’s not like I’ve stayed very long in 2012. I’m far too behind the 21st century, you can’t just leave me on my own… Buck, you were never like that to me before.’

Fine, the guy had hit him right in his Achilles heel -- Bucky would never ever leave Steve on his own unless fate brought him away.

And there, Steve looked so young, so vulnerable. And speaking of his biological age, he was more than ten years younger than Bucky. 

Bucky had long gotten used to taking care of the little guy -- he would never truly let Steve get by his own, let alone a Steve that was twelve years his junior. 

So he took a step back. ‘Fine. I’ll take you to the groceries.’

Steve lit up, bright and upbeat, and Bucky thought to himself he didn’t think he’d seen Steve like that ever since he got his memories back. 

They got some food from the supermarket, and then did some shopping. A bed sheet was what they needed. 

‘That Captain America bed sheet is the perfect match for you,’ Bucky was pointing at Disney’s colourful productions. ‘Imagine Steve Rogers sleeping on the US flag.’ 

‘Oh spare me the humiliation, Bucky,’ Steve grinned, ‘I’d much rather sleep on the camp beds with newspapers as the sheet.’

Bucky barked out a laugh. It seemed that the ice between them was beginning to thaw. 

They were looking at another set when the pretty shop assistant said, her smile very sweet, ‘You guys make a great couple. How can I help you? There’s some nice bedding for newlyweds in our shop.’ 

Stunned, Steve’s face quickly turned into a tomato. 

‘No no, you misunderstood,’ Bucky smiled and said gently, ‘he’s my brother.’ 

‘Oh -- ! Sorry for assuming.’ 

‘It’s fine.’ 

But the awkwardness refused to dissipate, so they quickly chose a bed sheet and returned to their apartment. Silence stole every inch of space on the way to home. The ice they managed to thaw was growing again. 

They made the bed together. Steve bursted at last. ‘So a man can get married with another man now?’

It only made Bucky feel worse. He kept his eyes down as he unfolded the bed sheet. ‘Yeah. Same-sex marriage is legal all across the States.’ 

‘Wow, that’s so cool,’ Steve raised an eyebrow, ‘in our time, being gay was the matter to be dealt with in court.’ 

Bucky stopped unfolding the bed sheet. A thought occurred to him. He asked, with particulate care on every word, ‘So… Steve, do you reckon… was life better in the 40s or now? Which time do you prefer?’ 

‘Mm, how should I put this…’ Steve’s brows went together, turning his thought over. ‘A bit of both, maybe? When I woke up from freezing and found out that I was in the future, to say that I was frightened is an understatement. That world was nohthing I knew. My friends, my home, my knowledge, my everything -- they were all in the past. I was indescribably alone, and there had been times when I thought I could no longer go on -- the whole world was going forward, and there I was, I was the man out of time.’ 

They really were the same person _ , _ thought Bucky. 

Whether it was this young, twenty-six-year-old Steve, or the Steve that had gone through the hardest times, the one thing they both wanted most was go back to the past. 

He was still holding a corner of the bed sheet that was to be unfolded, his mind a thousand miles away, but then what Steve said dragged him back to Earth: ‘Only that I don’t want to go back to the past.’ 

Bucky’s head snapped up. ‘What?’ 

###  ‘It's tempting to want to live in the past. It's familiar. It's comfortable. But it's where fossils come from. My job is to make tomorrow’s world better. Always has been.’ 

Bucky was stunned. ‘You -- you really think that?’ 

‘Of course I do. And -- now there’s one more reason why!’ A smile blossomed on the young face of Steve. ‘It’s because you’re here, Buck. I am endlessly grateful to the 2023 me for going all the way back to 2012 and telling me “He’s alive! -- ”. You can’t imagine how motivating that was to me. For you, the future is always worth fighting for.’

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

It was already 7pm after they managed to make the apartment (barely) livable.

‘I have to go.’ Bucky put down the key on the table – it had been wiped clean and shiny.

‘Now?’ Steve looked at him reluctantly. ‘But you haven’t had dinner yet, don’t you wanna get anything?’

And then Bucky’s phone rang. He cast a glance at Steve and picked up the phone.

‘When are you coming back?’ The other Steve asked at the other end of line. ‘We got pizza takeaways, me and Sam are just waiting for you to wolf it all down.’

‘Soon.’

‘When exactly?’

‘Um… five minutes, ten minutes tops? As a matter of fact, I’m only two streets away from you.’

‘Okay, we’ll wait for you, bud.’

‘Good.’

Bucky hung up. The Steve before him, he found, was regarding him with a complicated expression.

‘You really_ are_ leaving? Who are you going to…?’ Steve asked cautiously.

Bucky found his reaction a bit funny. Although he was no stranger to Steve being clingy – it happened often when they were young – Steve rarely let it show explicitly like he did now. He was practically a puppy wagging his tail, begging for his owner to stay a little longer.

‘That was the call that urged me to go home,’ Bucky spread his hands, ‘you know, to go back to_ your_ place.’

Steve’s eyes widened. ‘_My_ place? So… that’s me in this timeline? So we’re still living together like the old times?’

‘Yeah,’ Bucky nodded, and after a pause he continued: ‘But not exactly like the old times… Not taking all the frozen years and stuff into account, you and I are both well over thirty years old already. There’s something I want to tell you, Steve. We are not kids anymore. And things that are in the past… let them stay in the past. In 2023, we are not who we used to be.’

There was a trace of sadness in Steve’s blue eyes. He was well aware of Bucky’s odd attitude; it had neither been too cold nor too friendly. He couldn’t help but speculate why.

Bucky softened at his change of mood. ‘Hey,’ he patted him on the shoulder, ‘don’t be like that. We’re still living under the same roof, still really good friends, alright? It’s just that it’s a little different to what we started off with.’

Steve was frowning hard as he digested every word that Bucky said. Suddenly he looked up as though he figured out everything.

‘Bucky, are you hiding something from me?’

‘What?’

‘It’s only … I feel like you’re not saying what you think. And I thought, what are the things that you can’t say it out loud even to me?’ A shade of crimson climbed up Steve’s face, and he continued, ‘so… I thought of what you said, and the clues you gave me, is it – is it because – _we’re married?_’

Bucky couldn’t decide whether he could burst into tears or cry. ‘Oh god, you think we’re _married_? Just because same-sex marriage is legal –? What on earth is that logic...’

But his heart filled so quickly with bitterness that he couldn’t even finish his sentence. What could’ve prompted Steve to think that? What did he base his deduction on? He knew he was straight, didn’t he? He should know more than anyone else did that he would take a wife, not a husband.

There was no place more deserted than Bucky’s heart. ‘I have to spoil you, Steve –‘ he looked into his eyes, his voice very soft – ‘you are married, but I’m not. You understand that?’

Steve stared at him, dumbstruck. A moment later, he shook his head as if shaking himself clear of a dream.

‘Impossible. How would I get married? – I mean, how would I do that before you? I mean, I never really thought about it before, but I’ve always believed you would be the first to marry between the two of us. And I would be there as your proudest best man, standing next to you, applauding, cheering, giving you my best wishes. I thought –’

Bucky let his eyes close. When they were open again, they were icy cold.

‘You are married, yes, but I wasn’t your best man.’

Steve could no longer keep his voice down. ‘Nonsense! That – I don’t believe it! Bucky, what _has_ happened between us?’

Bucky exhaled deeply. ‘A lot has happened, but we’re still friends, I promise. Nothing in the world will change that,’ he said, ‘it’s only that… Steve, you have to know that people are meant to take on their own journeys as time goes by. Come on, let’s not harp on about this anymore. The most important thing is we’re still best friends – you’re married, I’m not. As simple as that.’

Steve looked down, his gaze landing without his knowing on the wooden floor, the pattern on it suddenly very appealing. A moment later, he asked, ‘What kind of girl is she… if you could tell me?’

‘I don’t want to talk about this, and I’m not supposed to let you know any of this, I’m sorry.’ Bucky bit his lip. ‘Besides, you’ll probably go through the same anyway. So… just wait, and everything will show.’

‘Wait, you said – _“probably will_”?’ Steve’s head snapped up, those particular words ringing louder than thunder, ‘but I thought the future – your past – cannot be changed, just like Fury said. What’s happened will 100% happen again exactly as it did. Why – what do you mean _probably will_?’

‘That’s because your marriage happened in a very special circumstance,’ Bucky replied calmly. ‘The decision you made has no effect on the future or the past. But I think if you have to do it again, you’ll choose the same.’

Steve’s words were as sharp and firm as the rocks underneath: ‘Well, I don’t think so!’

Bucky shot him a small smile and shrugged. ‘Okay then, if you think you won’t no one can say otherwise. But don’t forget that the you waiting for me is still you, no matter what you think now, or how incredible you find this, he was once also you who thought he wouldn’t marry before I did. You’ll experience the same, and your change of heart will also be the same. Anyway, I really should go… Take care of yourself, Steve. Call me if you need anything.’

Written on Steve’s face was nothing but yearning and reluctance, and Bucky’s heart melted a little. He was indeed the only person Steve could trust in this era of unknown. But what could Bucky really do? After all, Steve was a time traveller. He had his business to mind, but Bucky had his. He couldn’t abandon the two friends at home, who were equally, if not more important for the sake of an intruder, right?

He couldn’t quite shove the thought aside when he finally managed to turn for the door. If – if young Steve did ask him to stay, would he have the heart to turn Steve down?

But the young man didn’t say a word. He watched Bucky walk into the dark hallway, and only closed the door after Bucky’s shadow had merged into darkness. And until he completely disappeared behind a corner, a pair of adamant blue eyes had been glued to his back, through the window, across the street. But that he never knew.

‘Hey! How’s every –?’ Bucky pushed open the door to his apartment.

Colour spray and foam was what welcomed him home. Something glittery, sticky was knotted between his long locks, and some got in his mouth. He was stuck between throwing a fit and howling with laughter at this childish behaviour. When he finally managed to pull himself free from the sticky mush and spit his mouth clean, he didn’t waste a second more before lunging at Sam.

‘Remind me, when was the last time we had roasted chicken, _birdie_?’

Sam was wheezing with laugher and screaming, and perhaps he’d been on his wings too much that when he ran over the sofa, he tripped. Bucky would not miss the golden chance: like a cat with its claws outstretched, he rounded on Sam and closed his Vibranian fingers around the birdman’s airway – not really using any force, of course. But Sam, being the self-claimed Oscar-winning actor he was, stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes like he was just going to end there not ten seconds later.

‘Help me! Help me, Cap! Your boy is trying to kill the new Cap!’

‘Hey, let’s give the weakling a chance,’ Steve pulled Bucky away from Sam, his laughter barely contained, ‘he’s had his punishment. I don’t wanna wake up to “Breaking News: the Winter Soldier Murdered Captain America” on the front page.’

Bucky pulled his signature assassin face. ‘If it comes to it, I can make the headline “Breaking News: the Winter Soldier Murdered _Two_ Captains America”.’

‘Well, of course you can,’ Steve pulled out a glittery thread from Bucky’s hair, ‘you would’ve nine years ago if I hadn’t told you I’d be with you till –‘

‘Yeah we all know that so can you just shut up?’ Sam yelled at the side. ‘I am all in for you guys being with each other till the end of the line but please, I need a good stomach for my pizza, and I can’t stand that sweetness.’

Bucky gave a quiet chuckle with his eyes downcast, and took a step back when the other two weren’t watching. Steve was rubbing that bundle of hair clean with his finger pads, and as Bucky retreated, it fell down from Steve’s hand unceremoniously.

A sense of loss sparked in Steve’s veins. But before he could make sense of it, he was distracted by Bucky calling him for dinner: ‘C’mon, guys!’

They huddled around the small table, basking in the coziness and warmth. There were pizza, wine, snacks and a cream cake with a large star against blue velvet in the middle, lined by bright red and white stripes. Written on it was ‘Happy Birthday, Cap’ in what Bucky would call ugly, twisting and childish handwriting.

‘This was Sam’s idea, wasn’t it?’ Bucky raised an eyebrow. ‘Steve is not a fan of sweet things.’

‘Wrong, my pretty boy,’ Sam said smugly. ‘It was our dear Cap’s idea.’

This gave Bucky a start. ‘What, did living in the past change your taste as well?’

‘No.’ Steve shook his head slightly, his smile as warm as the sun. ‘But I know you’re nuts for cream.’

A puke-like sound escaped from Sam’s throat almost immediately. ‘Control yourselves, guys. Control is the key here. I know you’re straight, but sometimes I really can’t help but think –‘

Bucky grabbed the cake and threw it right in Sam’s face, effectively shutting him up. Sam froze, but soon relaxed as he heard Bucky howling with laughter beside him. ‘Now, does it feel good to have the mushiest, creamiest, stuffiest stuff on your face? Haha, I’m such an _Avenger._’

It took Sam quite a while to open his eyes (with apparent difficulty) in the thick cream. He lapped at the cream around his mouth and gave out a sigh of relief: ‘Lovely. But bro, I can’t be the only one enjoying the cake right? How ‘bout –‘

He wiped his face with a swift move and threw himself at Bucky with his hands caked thick with cream. Bucky, a well-trained assassin as he was, reacted as quickly and smoothly as Sam had devised his move. He sprang from the sofa and spread his legs and ran as he pushed away the chairs and things. Steve watched them, his head shaking as he mumbled: ‘Can’t you two just be quiet for five minutes? I’m not asking for too much, am I?’

By then Bucky had ran towards the window. He turned slightly: and in the periphery of his vision, Sam was a colourful monster from a children’s book, flailing his arms that were slicked with icing and melted cream. He growled with exaggerated menace, and he was only inches from Bucky –

So without a second thought, Bucky opened the window, ready to jump –

And then a sudden blow of shock held him back.

Standing below him, leaning on the lamppost, and looking up at him in silence, was a tall muscular blonde man.

Almost subconsciously, Bucky looked back behind him at the Steve at home – he was standing behind the mess he and Sam created, and he had somehow got his phone out, ready to film this all and send it to the Avengers group chat. And Sam, now barrelling towards him at full speed with unstoppable inertia, was only steps away from throwing Bucky off the building.

His heart was in his mouth. He would not, could_ not_ let Sam see that person!

He didn’t have time to dodge Sam. He let him wipe as much cream on his face and neck as he pleased, at the same time turning a little to look down again.

But the street was empty. It was as if he had hallucinated it all.

‘Whatcha lookin’ at?’ Sam finally took notice of Bucky’s shift of attention. He leaned forward and traced Bucky’s gaze, only that he, too, saw no one but the empty, quiet street.

Bucky stood silently at the window, his eyes huge and wide. He let the cream melt and drop off, Sam’s question hanging in the air, unanswered.

Steve noticed it as well. He put away his phone and asked, ‘Is anything wrong?’

And then Bucky’s phone rang – it was Nick Fury. He picked it up.

‘Barnes, your mission is not in the safe house,’ Fury said, his deep voice had a tone of despair in it, ‘is he with you?’

‘What? No,’ Bucky whispered as he went back to his room so that Sam and Steve could not hear him. ‘I’m at home.’

‘Shit, this… Okay, I’ll search for him. As for you –‘

‘No, let me do it. I think I know where to find him,’ said Bucky.

‘Good. I need an immediate report as soon as you’ve done it.’

‘Copy that.’

Bucky put on his coat. He would just let his hair fester in the wind because right now, he had something much more urgent on hand than fixing his hair. ‘Sorry, I need to go. Urgent, can’t wait. Will be right back.’ 

Steve looked at him, confused. ‘Another secret mission? You haven’t touched the food yet. Not really.’

‘Yes, I’m sorry. But I have to do it immediately.’

Steve picked up his shield. ‘I’ll go with you.’

‘No! No!’ Bucky shook his head vehemently. ‘You said it, it’s a _secret_ mission. I can’t let anyone in, not even you.’

Steve was a bit worked up. ‘… I’ve had enough. What’s Fury on about? What on earth is it that you’re on call 24/7 and have to go _alone_?’

‘It’s nothing dangerous, trust me,’ Bucky said, walking out. ‘Right, see you.’

He ran into the night. Steve turned around, looked at Sam, and sighed.

Bucky first headed towards the lamppost that the figure had been leaning on. He examined it closely, and then did the same on its vicinity.

The lamppost was erected in the middle of a crossroad. That person could’ve gone any one way of the four, but if he had to do it such that the people upstairs could not see which way he went… it seemed that the northward alley would be the only option.

Having located the target, Bucky ventured into it vigilantly.

The alley was quiet and dim. There wasn’t anything to light the way. The deeper he went, the darker it got. His footsteps echoed, startling a stray cat into a flying flee. It added to Bucky mounting nervousness, he hesitated for a moment and finally decided to stand there, calling in a low voice, ‘Steve?’

But there was no answer. So he took a step forward. ‘Ste –‘

Suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder. It dragged him into darkness before he could react.

Bucky’s heart was hammering madly. Instinctively, his body repositioned itself into the attack mode, but it recognised in a split second the familiar smell and temperature of a warm hug it was being surrounded with.

‘Shh, it’s me,’ said Steve the time traveller from 2012. One of his hand climbed uninvited onto Bucky’s mouth. ‘Be quiet, we’re being followed.’

So they stood there, their breaths shallow and low. Bucky could feel the beating heart of Steve behind him, just a few layers of skin and clothing away.

A few seconds later, another figure appeared at the end of the alley. He was looking their way and hesitating.

It was the other Steve.


	8. Chapter 8

Steve stood just before where the alley got dark, but his exploring gaze went much farther than that.

Luckily, there was still some distance between them. He couldn’t possibly see through the dark and spot Bucky no matter how good his vision was. Bucky held his breath, praying in desperate silence that Steve would give up and then everything would be fine.

But Steve didn’t. Not only did he stay, he, like Bucky, stepped cautiously into the unknown once he recovered from puzzlement and deliberation.

What now? What to do now? As Steve approached them, Bucky’s heartbeat quickened at an exponential rate every step Steve took. At the same time, Bucky could feel how nervous Steve also was behind him – his breathing was quick and heavy, the hot air he exhaled made Bucky’s skin tingle.

But Bucky didn’t have time to think about that. His mind was blank save Nick Fury’s warning: _it’s best if they do not meet._ And there Steve was, closer, closer, and just half a more step –

Bucky closed his eyes. His mind was made.

He whipped around so that he was now the one holding Steve. Pushing them back until Steve’s back hit the wall, he flipped them around, himself pinned on the inside and Steve’s back towards the opening of the alley.

The expression on Steve’s face said enough of his confusion as to what Bucky was doing. And as a matter of fact, Bucky had no time to explain anything either. He hooked an arm around Steve’s neck, and whispered in his ear: ‘Kiss me.’

Steve’s entire body went stiff, his eyebrows went so high that they disappeared behind his hairline. ‘_What?_’

Bucky’s strong metal left hand cupped the back of his head, pressing it against his. ‘Just do it!’

So Steve leaned down. He didn’t dare touch Bucky’s lips at all. Bafflement, shock and mortification left his own lips trembling. He rested them gingerly on the skin near Bucky’s ear, and then he moved no more.

He soon found out that Bucky’s ear was scalding. The raw redness had spread from it to the whole of his neck. And, for some unknown reason, he smelled of cream cakes.

Steve was never too fond of food with cream. As though his mind was not his anymore, it went on its own way – the moment he smelled cream, he seemed unable to produce a thought – before he knew it, the tip of his tongue was out, and licked the flushed skin just below the lips.

Bucky froze – an untimely, almost numbing sensation arose from the very piece of flushed skin where Steve’s tongue licked him, spreading radially in every direction. He couldn’t help but look up, exposing more of his neck and moaned.

Although having realised the blunder he’d made the second the moan left his throat, and tightening his lips into a taut line, the moan was just enough for Steve to spot them in the dark.

To be more precise, Steve spotted Bucky – he could make out Bucky’s leaning form on the wall, his face all flushed and full of desire, and _on_ him, embracing him, was a tall figure whose front he could not see.

Steve was petrified. He gawked at them until Bucky raised his gaze over the broad shoulders and met Steve’s midair.

‘Bucky, wh… what are you doing?’ The question was out before Steve realised how obviously stupid it was.

Bucky regarded him icily. ‘Making out. Is it that hard to work it out?’

‘… with a man?’

‘Oh. Sorry. Forgot to tell you I’m gay.’

Steve’s mouth opened, closed, and opened again, his Adam’s apple bobbing. He only managed to blurt out a question after some struggling: ‘So this is your so-called secret mission?’

‘Yes. I told you I’m on a secret mission only to cover the fact that I’m seeing someone.’ Bucky looked at him, his eyes filled with emotions that were incomprehensible to Steve. ‘Now can you fuck off, Rogers? Or are you that much of a voyeur that you’re just going to stand there and watch how your friend is being ravish –‘

‘E – enough!’ Steve stuttered, cutting Bucky off. He stumbled backwards, his eyes refused to look anywhere but Bucky, trying with all his might to figure out what exactly was going on. Bucky returned his gaze with a blank face, and, noticing Steve’s stubborn staring, he tightened his hold on the muscular arm that had been pinning him to the wall.

Steve whipped around and ran as though he just ran into a ghost.

Time seemed to have frozen in the little dark alley. Bucky had no idea how long he’d been in this position with the younger Steve – thirty seconds? Thirty minutes?

When at last Bucky recovered from the turmoil of emotions in him, he shoved Steve away with both arms.

‘You can’t just get out like that!’ Bucky’s eyes were wide with fury. ‘You’re putting all us in trouble!’

‘You said I could look for you if there’s anything –‘

‘Then you should’ve called me! Instead of just going out like that…’

Steve was looking at him with innocent eyes, but he didn’t say anything.

Bucky suddenly realised his mistake.

‘Oh… oh. I forgot to get you a phone. Fine, I apologise. This is my fault.’

‘I don’t blame you,’ Steve whispered, ‘you don’t have to apologise. I just… I saw you leave and figured you probably live in this area, so I came here without your permission. I’m very sorry. I didn’t know I would cause so much trouble.’

Steve just stood like that, and Bucky just couldn’t think of an appropriate response that would allow him to deliver his chastisement without sounding too harsh. As a matter of fact, the little blonde guy had always been able to get the better of him even if he was in the wrong.

‘Whatever. Let’s just go home first and I’ll get Fury to give you a new phone.’ He pulled up Steve’s hood so that half of his face was covered lest they run into anyone they knew again.

And when Bucky was fixing the hood, Steve asked, ‘Bucky, you’re really gay?’

Bucky’s hand froze, and then it fell to his side, his voice as cold as ice. ‘That’s none of your business.’

‘But if you were, why did you never tell me after all these years we’ve been together?

‘That’s_ none_ of your business.’

‘But we’re friends, Bucky. Best friends. And there should be no secrets between best friends. I’ve always thought you liked that Dolores with red hair, you even blew three bucks trying to win a stuffed bear for her –‘

Bucky cut him off almost menacingly. ‘Are you really going to keep harping on it till you’re six feet under, Steve Rogers? Tell me, what’s the whole fucking business to you?’

Confusion flitted across Steve’s features. He didn’t understand why Bucky was so angry all of a sudden, but still he looked down in apology. ‘Sorry.’

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to harden against those blue puppy eyes. ‘It’s not your fault,’ he sighed. ‘Let’s go. I’ll walk you home.’

Neither spoke on the way back. Five minutes later, they arrived on the doorstep of Fury’s safe house. Steve unlocked the door.

Bucky stood rooted before the threshold, his back leaning on the door but no parts of him had the slightest intention of stepping in.

‘You can tell me now what you were looking for me for.’

‘Can you come in first?’ Steve asked, but he didn’t wait for Bucky’s reply before he pulled him in. He threw him a sandwich they bought just that afternoon. ‘You haven’t had dinner yet, am I right?’

‘Yes, thank_ you _very much.’

Steve shoved the sandwich into his hands. ‘Please, eat, and we’ll talk.’

Bucky gave the sandwich a squeeze, and then he remembered that hunger had long got the better of him. He removed package and wolfed it down, not even caring when the end of a long hair got in his mouth. Steve reached out, purely out of instinct, and put it behind his ear for him.

‘It finally feels like I’m _not_ in a dream,’ Steve gazed at him sincerely, ‘you have no idea how happy it makes me to watch you eat… Only when I know that you’re by my side, when I see that with my very eyes that you eat, sleep, groom, and shave… can I tell myself that “yes, this is the life we are leading; Bucky is alive and well.” It gives me immeasurable reassurance. At times I think of the days before all of this. We weren’t rich, but our hearts were.’

Bucky’s grinding jaws slowed down for a second. The sandwich, now a mush mixed with saliva, refused to go down his tightening throat.

He put down the remaining sandwich and chugged a whole bottle of water before he felt that his throat was normal again.

‘Okay, you can tell now.’ He leaned back on the sofa, glancing at Steve. ‘What’s the problem?

‘I just…’ Steve scratched his head, clearly embarrassed; but his voice steady. ‘I missed you, bro.’

Bucky did a double take. As cold as he made himself to be, he could not ignore the jet of warmth and love that was streaming between them, shot through seventy years of time, into his heart.

Bucky could totally understand Steve’s reliance on him, actually – in his timeline, he was just out of ice, and all of a sudden he was in a future where no one knew him _right after_ his best friend fell off a train – to him, he was left behind by the world.

But then he leapt forward another twelve years, and here he found that the best friend he thought was dead was miraculously alive, and borne with him the memories of everything between them – everything he thought the world would never know. Bucky’s existence was Steve’s straw to clutch in a raging sea, his spiritual support in a world that didn’t make sense.

The Steve from 2012 was looking him squarely in the eye, begging him.

No heart could resist melting at this, however long they’d been frozen. Bucky sighed. ‘Fine. What do you want me to do?’

Sensing the potential for a compromise from Bucky, Steve’s eyes brightened at once. ‘Could you stay here for tonight – just talk to me, please? No words can describe how happy I am that you’re alive, but you keep pushing me away… Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it cheesy, but I really need you.’

Bucky averted his glance. He took out his phone and texted Nick Fury: target is found. Nobody saw him. Will be looked after. Also, he needs a phone.

Fury’s reply was soon here: phone will be delivered to the house tmr.

Bucky then tapped the Contacts icon. As to who to call among his two Favourites, it took him a moment to decide. At last, he tapped ‘Birdman – emergency’.

‘Dude, what’s going on? I asked Cap if he found you but he said nothing and shut himself in the room,’ Sam was loud enough to shake the roof off. ‘You had a fight?’

‘Please tell him that I’m not coming home tonight. I have stuff to do.’

‘… What is taking you the whole night?’ He voice raised an octave. ‘And you still haven’t answered me: did you and Cap meet?’

Bucky was silent, then, after a pause: ‘I was on a date. He walked in on me.’

‘Whoa! Oh! You –‘

‘Bye.’

‘Wait! Don’t hang up! Who’s she? Do I know her? _How_ did that happen? You have been single all this time and all of a sudden –‘

Bucky hung up without the slightest hesitation and chucked his phone over the table. He looked up to see Steve grimacing at him.

‘So, this is our _date_, you called it?’

Bucky frowned. ‘Stop kidding yourself, it’s only a white lie.’

‘Yet, but this white lie you told will only lead to one result,’ Steve started to analyse. ‘I heard your friend shout just now… what I mean is, you can’t just keep avoiding them, right? And they will surely want to dig out everything when you finally meet. What will you do then? The way I see it, the me in 2023 is only too shocked to think it over. Once he recovers, chances are he’ll only stop prying until there’s nothing to be asked – yes, this is what Steve Rogers will do. It’s your date we’re talking about.’

Bucky let out a frustrated grumble. ‘Shut, do I really have to find myself a date just to shut Steve and Sam up? No, there’s more than the two them… Dammit, Sam will sure tell the whole world about it! I can’t believe I’m resorting to blind dates for a lie I told on a whim! This is going to be a nightmare!’

‘Why resort to blind dates when you have me?’ Steve asked calmly. ‘You see, I’m the reason it all happened. No one can do it better than me. I could wear sunglasses, a hood, or a Nano Mask – I know SHIELD has the technology – anyway, you and Fury could give me a false identity and tell people that I’m your date. It’s only reasonable and the only plausible way – the other me has seen my back; it must have struck a deep impression on him, and I’m the only person in the world that resembles myself best even in disguise.’

Bucky didn’t say a word, apparently considering Steve’s suggestion. But a moment later, he said hoarsely: ‘No, you can’t do that.’

‘Why?’ Steve seemed very into the genius idea he raised. ‘It’s only pretend dating, isn’t it? There’s no better way than me assuming a different identity.’

‘Exactly. It’s only pretense,’ Bucky’s eyes were sharp, his jaw clenching, ‘it’s just a fake date, it could be anyone. And if it comes to that, I don’t mind making the date real. But you’re the only exception to that, Steve Rogers. I can date literally anyone but you.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KGB spies trick cracked. Next time people kiss in front of me imma stare until they feel uncomfortable enough to stop.


	9. Chapter 9

When Fury turned up on their doorstep the next morning, Steve was hardly awake. Roused by his commander, he propped himself up, surveying his surroundings in puzzlement. There was the sound of water splashing from the bathroom.

It took Steve a while to be fully conscious.

‘Oh… sorry,’ he rubbed his eyes, ‘was trying to find out where I am just now. And I had such a good sleep last night. I haven’t been like that since …’

He closed his mouth abruptly. The statement was left without an end.

‘The phone,’ said Fury. It landed on the bed in a beautiful arc. ‘Specially designed for SHIELD internal communication only, undetectable and untraceable. There’re only two saved contacts: one’s me, the other is Barnes.

Steve put his hand on the box and smiled. ‘That’s enough, thank you.’

As if on cue, the door to the bathroom opened, revealing Bucky. Fresh from a morning shower, his hair was a sleek black curtain. He was free of any clothing save for the white towel around his waist. Steve’s eyes were glued to where the flesh ended and the metal arm started, guilt clawing at him.

‘Ah…’ Fury stared at Bucky, surprised. ‘Didn’t know you were here.’

‘You should’ve known better. Our golden boy needs bedtime stories.’

‘Hmm, looks like your bedtime stories worked just fine. He just told me he slept well,’ Fury gave a nod and winked, his tone full of meaning: ‘I thought you went on a date last night.’

Bucky’s wringing hands paused amidst the damp locks, a frown creeping its way up. ‘Birdie’s such a loudmouth. Tell me, where did say it? The SHIELD chatroom? So does that mean the whole SHILED reckons I had a date?’

‘No, it was Twitter – “Winter Soldier Spends Night Out with Mystery Girl” – I think the whole _world_ reckons you had a date.’

Bucky threw his towel on the sofa furiously.

‘Fine. Fury, I think I need to ask a favour of you now.’

‘Let me guess – you need a fake date?’

‘Spot on.’

‘Of course. I have had my guess when I found out you were here and not out dating. Right, how about … Joseph from IT? He’s asked of you. He’d be very willing to help, I daresay.’

‘It can’t be just anyone,’ Bucky sighed. ‘He needs to be blonde, and taller than me for exactly this length, and shoulders wider than me for about that, and –‘

Fury narrowed his eye. ‘My apologies if I misunderstood, but it seems to me _the _Steve Rogers of yours is exactly the person you’re describing.’

‘That’s right,’ said the Steve Rogers that wasn’t Bucky’s as he rolled out of bed and butted in. ‘That’s because I am his date.’

All of a sudden, Nick Fury’s gaze went very sharp as he looked between Steve and Bucky closely, taking in the messy bed Steve rose from and the fact that Bucky just went out of the shower. His expression gave a 180-degree turn as understanding dawned on him. ‘Oh! – So last night –‘

‘We didn’t! Stop that dirty train of thought!’ Bucky interrupted a bit angrily. ‘It was all misunderstanding. I had to lie to protect him from Steve. There wasn’t any other choice. But now everyone knows, and I need a cover for it. That’s it! Nothing out of line happened!’

‘That’s what I say. It would’ve happened long ago if it was true. You have known Steve Rogers your whole life, you wouldn’t have to wait for young Cap to be your beau,’ Fury spread his hands with a shrug. ‘That’s easy, then, you can just ask him to be your cover. I can get him a Nano Mask. There’s no other person who fits your description more than himself, and it’s the best way to protect his identity as a time traveller.’

Bucky bristled up. ‘No!’

‘Yes,’ Steve butted in again, ‘I know myself best, and I won’t tell. No one can do this job better than me.’

Fury felt the need to remind him: ‘This is a no paid job.’

‘I’m fine with that,’ Steve threw him a careless smile. ‘I thought I could be of some use while I’m here.’

‘Oh?’ This piqued Fury’s interest. ‘Say, in what ways? Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’

Steve raised his chin. ‘Do you need more people on your team?’

‘Are you serious?’ Though he was the one asking, Fury himself sounded like_ he_ was taking the request very seriously. ‘Rogers, this is no joke. You have to think it through carefully.’

‘I’d hate to dawdle all day in the safe house and do nothing,’ Steve said without hesitation, his tone firm and urgent. ‘I’ve slept for seventy years, I have to find myself work.’

Fury’s hand was on his bearded chin. ‘Alright, we do in fact need some new blood. Now –’

‘Are you crazy?’ Bucky couldn’t help but shout. ‘Are you both crazy? Listen, Fury, you cannot let this Steve Rogers join us. He will get hurt!’

‘Actually, Bucky, I’m less likely to be hurt in a fight than you,’ Steve said softly, turning to him. ‘That’s not to say I’m better than you, but you’re more … reckless, like you care about nothing else but punching the enemy to death. Just, give me a chance to fight with you again, shoulder to shoulder – oh god, I miss that feeling so much!’

‘Shut up, we can’t afford that!’ Bucky whipped around and bellowed at the top of his lungs. ‘Why can’t you just stay the fuck here, watch fucking TV, read the damn news, eat well and sleep tight, wait until they get their shit sorted out and fix the goddamn machine and go back to wherever the fuck you came from without missing half a limb and punch bad guys the way you want?’

Steve’s blue eyes were blinking. ‘But you’ll protect me, right?’

‘What? Of course, you fucking idiot, of course I’ll fucking protect you, but that’s not the excuse to risk your life! What if something happened … what if you died? Don’t you get it? It would fuck up the timelines! How are we to bear that, when we could do nothing but watch?’

‘There’s no “what if”,’ Steve said, stubbornly confident. ‘And, if the mission is so dangerous that I’d get hurt, how about you, Bucky? What am I to do, when after all this time you and I are together again but you got hurt because I wasn’t there to support you? – do you think I can bear that again, that guilt, that grief – no! I’d go mad! Please, I beg you, just… just let me do this – for myself, even if it wasn’t for you, Buck – let me watch out for you, please!’

Bucky watched him with utmost incredulity and shock.

Rationality told him it would be unreasonable to refuse Steve. He had given him the most valid and rightful reason, and had their roles been reversed – Bucky would never have let Steve go to war and himself stay up in the peace and quiet of the safe house.

So he cast Fury an imploring glance, hoping he would refuse Steve when he could not.

Yet Fury nodded at Steve. ‘Very well, you haven’t changed a bit. Right, I need you to go with me to the headquarters after you clean up a bit. I will scan your face and make you a Nano Mask.’

‘Thank you very much,’ Steve said with heartfelt gratitude. Then he winked at Bucky and went to the bathroom.

‘This is ridiculous, Fury.’ Bucky’s fists were balled up, his knuckles white. ‘You know very well neither you nor I can take the risks!’

‘I’ve planned it all, there’s no need to worry.’ Fury wasn’t half as tense as Bucky – in fact, he was leaning against the sofa, looking like he was on holiday. He picked up an apple and took a juicy bite from it. ‘I’ll bring Rogers to the headquarters. I suggest that you go home and change. There’s gonna be a meeting at ten thirty.’

‘… Isn’t today my day-off?’

‘An impromptu meeting,’ Fury smiled, ‘yet a very important one, and I expect you to be there. Do be punctual.’

On his way home Bucky couldn’t think of anything else but the inevitable confrontation looming in the distance with Sam and Steve. But when he finally stepped into the apartment, he found that it was empty. A note was pinned on the inside of the door, and written on it was Sam’s haphazard hand: _We’re at SHIELD. _

The clock struck half past nine. Bucky threw the note in the trash bin. A minute later found him in a fresh outfit and ready to go.

To avoid his friends, he decided to enter through the backdoor. He thought he could sneak into the conference room without anyone noticing, but _of course_ fate had to play against him – Bucky spotted Steve Rogers with his back straight, peeping into the elevator to see who had come up as soon as the doors parted.

The doors spared him no mercy. Steve’s gaze landed on him when the only barrier between them was retracted fully, and they both froze.

‘Er…’ Bucky touched the tip of his nose absently. He walked out of the elevator, awkwardness filing in every inch of space between them. ‘Um… hi.’

Steve was sizing him up as if examining how Bucky was different from the last time he saw him. This made Bucky very uncomfortable. He stared studiously at the carpet, its colour rich and deep; it was his shelter from Steve’s scrutinising gaze.

‘Where’s Sam?’

‘At the café.’

_Damn him to Hell and back, _thought Bucky. When the world needed a bit of quietness, he would_ chirp chirp chirp_ until everyone went deaf; yet he was never available when Steve and Bucky needed him most to lift the heavy mood with his stupid jokes.

But it was an inevitable encounter, Bucky knew it. He heard Steve let out a deep sigh, his arms crossed in a grave manner. ‘Buck, we need to talk. About yesterday…’

Bucky groaned desperately from the bottom of his heart – he most certainly did not want to talk about yesterday.

To discuss his fake boyfriend with the one man whom he’d loved his whole life, and who had chosen to leave him for a woman in his dreams? Heavens, what had he done to deserve this?

So he too, crossing his arms in a defensive manner, took a step backwards so that he was not too far but not too close from Steve.

‘We can talk about this later, at home.’

‘You will come home tonight?’

‘Hmm.’

‘So…’ Steve hesitated. ‘You were –? With him last night?’

Bucky wanted to laugh, even – what in the world was this? Boyfriend? No, that was all bullshit. But was he physically _with_ him last night? Yes! That, ironically, was the only truth amidst the lies.

‘Yes, exactly.’ He put on an air of nonchalance, looking Steve squarely in the eye. ‘At his place.’

‘I don’t suppose I have the right to interfere with your personal affairs, but, Buck – do you really know him? What is he like?’

Bucky worried at his lip. ‘None of your business.’

It looked like Steve’s breathing became heavier.

‘At least you know what he is? You know, his job? And how old is he? Does he suit you?’

‘Still none of your business.’

‘… you don’t have to give me attitude, Bucky. I care about you. I just want to know if you’re prepared to enter a relationship with the right person.’

‘No,’ Bucky answered quickly. ‘I don’t have to be prepared for anything. I don’t even know how long he’ll stay.’

Steve’s eyebrows flew over his hairline. ‘So, you’re doing a relationship that has no future?’

In that instant, Bucky’s eyes widened. ‘No future’, what a cruel set of words. Like a sharp knife, it cut into his feeling nerves to their very core.

Bucky blinked hard, his nose tip red and swollen, his Adam’s apple bobbing; he swallowed the tears that would otherwise stream down in this most inappropriate time – _no future, it had no future._

_Of course there’s no future between me and him because _you_ are his goddamn future!_

‘I don’t care, Steve. I don’t give a flying fuck about that.’ When his spoke again, Bucky’s voice was raspy. ‘What is it about the future? It’s all just a game. He fits my taste, and he happens to be a homosexual. I need a good fuck and he provides good sex, it’s only fair, so why be serious about it?’

Steve’s chest was up, down, and up again, a flame was about to crawl its way out of his chest but was forcefully contained. ‘You’re not a player, Bucky. You never were like that.’

‘People change.’ Bucky stared into Steve’s blue eyes, his own red at the rims. ‘You of all people should know that.’

They entered into a sort of staring contest, their arms tense and muscles taut, the stifling air around them could blow a ship into pieces and sink it. Since when did they become like this? They had a thousand words to say, a million thoughts, yet no word seemed capable of conveying a fraction of that. Avoidance, secrecy and confrontations, lies on top of lies…

But they were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. They were not supposed to be like this.

When the elevator opened with a ding again, Sam Wilson pelted out of it, his voice preceding his arrival: ‘Hey! Guess who I ran into!’

Steve and Bucky turned to him at the same time.

Sam looked very enthusiastic and took no notice of the tension between his friends. Behind him walked Nick Fury and an unfamiliar blonde handsome guy.

Steve looked the new guy up and down confusedly. Bucky only had to spare him a look to get everything he needed to know. He drew in a deep breath – god, Fury really did it.

Fury didn’t waste a second to get them all seated. Bucky chose not to sit next to Steve like he usually did – instead, he opted for the other side of the long table, which was Steve’s opposite. The new guy plopped down next to Bucky without the slightest hesitation.

‘Now, may I introduce to you –‘ Fury began after they settled down, pointing at the blonde guy, ‘ – Roger Grant, codename the Wanderer, the newest addition to your team. In the foreseeable future, he will be joining you guys on all your missions, plans and meetings as a regular member.’

‘Our team has established an intricate network of cooperation and division of labour which we are very proud of at the moment,’ Steve commented calmly. ‘But I understand that SHIELD is actively expanding its human resources. In that case, I would suggest recruiting Mr Grant into other teams, I’m sure with his excellent faculties –‘ He paused, turning to his teammate-to-be with an apologetic expression. ‘Um, apologies if I sounded too harsh. I didn’t mean to start a boycott or anything like that, I’m just concerned about our deployment as a big team.’

The Wanderer’s gaze was steady, the corner of his mouth turning up. He said nothing.

‘The Wanderer has already been officially recruited into your team. This is not a proposal,’ Fury announced seriously with an air of finality. ‘There’s no need to be concerned about the other teams, Captain.’

Steve could only shrug. ‘Okay, well, I think I’d like to have a look at his skills, and then –‘

‘Actually, being your newest teammate is not my only identity,’ the Wanderer opened his mouth slowly.

Bucky knew at once what he was going to say. Blood drained from his face; the look he gave was sharp and threatening, and he was hoping that the Wanderer would shut up under the cold Winter Soldier gaze.

But of course his attempt was futile – the stubborn little guy had never listened to him when he had put his mind to something, however difficult that might have been. 

Roger Grant slung an arm over Bucky and dragged him over in a protective embrace, smiling at the former Captain America. ‘I am Bucky’s new boyfriend. Nice to meet you.’

There was a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of Steve’s stomach.


	10. Chapter 10

It was agreed that the former Captain America was to conduct a capability test for the Wanderer, the new member of their team. Although, in all fairness, to call it a capability test was a bit of an overstatement; what actually was going to happen was simple and brutal – the Wanderer would pick one out of the three current members and fight him.

Roger Grant stood in the ring, his eyes narrowed at his potential competitors, who stood staring back while he decided who would be best in assisting him in the test.

‘I’ll do it.’ Bucky felt that he had no excuse for this. He took off his leather jacket and revealed a shiny metal arm. ‘I’ll fight him.’

‘Oh, _oh,_ you can’t,’ Sam said in a high-pitched voice. ‘What if you tank?’

Bucky sneered. ‘Will I though? I didn’t when I fought Steve.’

‘And that’s because you lost your memories! I would’ve found Cap’s dead body on the beach if you hadn’t lost on purpose,’ Sam laid out his reasons with an air of professionalism. ‘And Steve is only your friend. Sir Wanderer here though, is your boyfriend…’

Bucky’s metal arm was whirring in rhythm with his rising temper, the metal knuckles cracking louder than their flesh counterparts would have done. He was on the verge of spitting out a snarky remark, but in the periphery of his vision he saw Grant looking between them curiously, noting down every word they’d said and apparently deciphering what they could’ve meant without being given the context.

Of course the last thing Bucky want was spoiling the exciting events in 2014 for the Steve who came from 2012, so he let Sam off this time. ‘So you’ll go?’ He asked with as much dignity as he could muster.

‘Fine. I’ll go. I’ll do it. So what? What’s so –‘

At the same time, Steve took a step forward. ‘I’ll go.’

Grant nodded with satisfaction. ‘I was thinking the same thing.’

‘But Cap, you haven’t been training since the surgery!’ Sam protested worriedly.

‘This is training,’ Steve said, taking off his top. His body was a firm mass beneath the tight white vest; and it was with such determination and confidence that he walked into the ring.

‘This is odd, I say.’ Sam muttered in Bucky’s ear while Steve and Grant got into their respective positions, their knees slightly bent, and fists readily out. ’Honestly, if their faces were masked, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. Their torsos and build… they look almost like the same person!’

‘Hmm,’ Bucky said, non-committal. ‘You train to get a body, that’s what it is.’

Suddenly, Sam started to produce some crow-like laughter. ‘I hope you won’t go for the wrong person in the dark, then.’

‘I can give you a hand if you want your tongue off,’ Bucky threatened, ‘or else shut up.’

‘You’re no fun.’

‘You earned it.’

While Bucky and Sam were immersed in their silly banter, Steve and Grant had started a fight so spectacular that many SHIED staff had stopped on their ways and were cheering them on. They were both swift and skillful, their styles alike. It would be impossible to separate them until a winner was produced.

Sam was genuinely surprised. ‘I can’t believe the Wanderer is neck and neck with Cap. How old is he?’

Bucky’s concentration was nothing else but the fight. ‘Twenty-sex, turning twenty-seven.’ 

‘Woah, that’s so young,’ Sam turned, his voice laid with honey. ‘So you’re into twinks, eh? Is that because of their… physicality?’

Bucky’s face was blank, a stark contrast to Sam’s, on which a ludicrous smile was plastered, and his eyebrows wiggling. ‘Do you want to start another fight, right here?’

‘When do you _not_ want do?’

‘Never, but now I am particularly keen.’

A sudden wave of cheering and shouts broke them apart. In the ring, Steve and Grant dropped heavily to the floor at the same time as one of them were tackled down, but Steve, being the one at the bottom, had successfully put his opponent in a headlock.

‘You lost, Wanderer,’ Steve said, ‘but you’re skilled. I underestimated you. From whom did you learn fighting?’

It took Grant every effort to speak as he struggled to breathe. ‘You. I’m your fan.’

Steve looked like he understood everything. ‘Oh, that explains –‘

He was interrupted by Grant’s sudden sharp cry: ‘Someone’s attacking Bucky!’

Steve was distracted at once, the strong arms around Grant’s neck loosened for just a split second as he searched for Bucky in the crowd, but that was long enough for Grant to slide his elbow backwards and punched Steve right in the nose. It was such a great blow that Steve saw stars come out, dancing before his eyes; he rolled aside in one swift move and put his hands before him in a defensive position.

Grant pulled himself to his feet, one hand massaging his neck where red bruises resulted from the headlock formed. ‘You lost,’ he breathed, twisting his wrists, ‘Captain.’

Steve had stood up as well, blood oozing from his swollen nose. Bucky and Sam ran towards him.

‘I’m fine,’ Steve pressed hard on his nose, his chin raised to stop the nosebleed, ‘there’s no bone breaking. The bleeding will stop soon.’

Grant extended a hand towards Steve. ‘Did I pass the test, Captain?’

‘Welcome to our team, Mr Grant. You will be an asset. I would’ve passed you even if you hadn’t pulled the trick at the end,’ Steve said sincerely. He took Grant’s hand, shook it, and left for some bandages and salve.

When Steve and Sam were out of earshot, Bucky turned to Grant. He tried not to growl as he said in his ear, ‘that was a dirty play. How could you do that to yourself?’

‘An eye for an eye.’ Young Steve blinked innocently. ‘You have no idea what he did to me.’

‘Even then, he’s you, and you’re him.’

‘Exactly. That’s why I know what his Achilles heel is. I know myself inside and out.’

‘What is his Achilles heel?’

Steve watched Bucky’s face intently. At last, he shook his head. ‘Never mind.’

‘Guys! Bucky! Roger!’ Across the ring, Sam was waving at them. ‘Let’s grab pizza! This will be our first team gathering!’

Bucky honestly did not want to get in more trouble than he had on his plate. ‘No, thanks, I don’t think –‘

But before he could finish, Steve waved back. ‘Great, we’re in!’

Bucky was incredulous. ‘What are you doing?’

Steve put on a placating smile. ‘Look, I just want to know him better. I’m really curious about what I’ve become.’

‘_Fine_.’ Bucky could do nothing but swear under his breath. He stalked towards Sam and the other Steve, a bit riled up. The younger Steve took no (or chose not to take) notice of Bucky’s silent protest. He picked up his pace so that he was next to Bucky.

As usual, they went to the deli just around the corner, where they sold pizza which Sam claimed was the best in town. The new team got on pretty well, thank god, except that short moment of awkwardness when Steve and Grant got hold of the same slice of Italian sausage and pepper pizza because they had exactly the same taste.

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Sam’s eyes were rolling curiously between the two blondes. At last, the older man retracted his hand.

‘I’ll just have another slice. You’re our guest, you take it. Besides, we live very near.’

‘Thank you.’ Grant didn’t refuse the offer, a hint of smugness in his tone.

Bucky kept pouring himself coffee, hoping wholeheartedly for the end of their gathering. That would mean the end of the Steves conversing, hence the end of his torture. He missed home immensely.

But when Steve finished his meal and wiped his mouth, he did not show signs of wanting to leave. Instead, he sat up very straight.

_Oh god_, thought Bucky. These were signs that a Proper Steve Talk was on the way.

And indeed it was. Steve stared intently at Grant, his tone casual, ‘So… do you wanna tell us how you and Bucky met?’

‘Steve!’ Bucky protested immediately. ‘This is an official team gathering! Give him some privacy, will you?’

‘It’s okay.’ Grant wiped his mouth on the napkin and sat up as well, returning Steve’s look steadily. ‘It helps build connection, you know, what with all these icebreaking and chatting. I’m all for knowing each other better so that _we_ work better.’

It seemed as if their meeting gaze would graze the air and give out sparks.

Sam couldn’t help but mouth to Bucky: ‘_I have a weird feeling about this – they are the real Captain America. Dude here is nothing but a bird_.’

Bucky mouthed back: _‘They are both idiots_.’

Steve was speaking again. ‘It’s only been a while since our last battle. I didn’t even know Bucky was seeing someone. As far as I remember, he had been with me… with us day and night.’

‘But love is never measured by time – love is timeless. Bucky and I… er, it was love at first sight. Yes, love at first sight is the right word.’

Steve couldn’t help but sneak a glance at Bucky.

‘Fair enough. Bucky has always been popular. But I wonder if you truly know him? Do you know what he’s been through? No offence, Mr Grant, but do you seem very young to me. I’m afraid Bucky’s led a life a lot more complicated than you think you know, or understand. I hope you are not here simply because of his looks because I will be very sad to witness a hasty breakup.’

‘You _hope_? On what grounds, may I ask, Mr Rogers? Is it because that if we break up, it will affect the structure of our team?’

Sam was mouthing slowly, word by word now. ‘_I. Want. To. Go_.’

Bucky returned: ‘_Not. More. Than. I. Do._’

‘Of course not!’ Steve’s voice was very loud, but he quickly realised his mistake, and forced it down with some effort. ‘Bucky is my best friend. He is the most important person in my life, and I care about him just like family. I will not let harm and sadness befall him, that’s all.’

‘Then it’s the same for me,’ Grant looked at Steve, their eyes locked, ‘I care about him more than myself, I swear on my life. My feelings for him are just like yours.’

Steve let out a sigh. ‘I want to believe you, Grant, of course I wish the best for Bucky, but how long have you known him? You can’t compare your feelings and mine like that.’

‘How long? – let me count, three days?’ Grant chuckled but quickly collected himself. ‘But I’ve always felt we’ve known each other since the last century. Maybe it’s fate. Maybe we’re meant to be. Maybe we knew each other in another life.’

Steve looked down at the table that was a mess, lost in his muddled thoughts. ‘Maybe. Maybe I don’t really understand what you’re saying because I don’t know enough about love.’

After they paid and got out, Grant said he hoped Bucky would go home with him.

‘No, S… Roger.’ Bucky was very firm. ‘Not tonight.’

Grant’s blue eyes narrowed with disappointment, but he didn’t say anything. He left alone, his shadow melting into the dark.

Bucky went straight to his room when they were home, trying to get some time alone, but Steve knocked on his door. Reluctantly, he let him in.

‘I think we should talk a bit more.’ Steve leaned on the door, while Bucky sprawled on the bed lazily.

Bucky’s sigh was so heavy that he seemed to have used all the air in is lungs. He put his hands over his eyes. ‘For god’s sake, you’ve seen him and talked to him like you’d wanted. What’s there to talk about?’

Steve walked to his bedside and sat down, gently moving Bucky’s hands to the side so that he could look at him properly. Bucky could no longer avoid his searching gaze. ‘Let’s talk about Roger Grant. I don’t think he’s as worse as you make him to be, though he is much younger than us – both physically and mentally. But we had a talk, and I think he is a trustworthy person.’

Bucky shot up like a spring, his face level with Steve’s.

‘Why?’ The question came out almost like an accusation. ‘You talked like, what, thirty minutes? And you concluded _for me_ that he’s suddenly worth my time?’

‘I don’t… exactly know, but he… he sounds familiar. It’s like catching up with an old friend,’ Steve confessed sincerely. ‘He doesn’t seem to me a player, either. Buck, I’m just saying that if you’re really looking for a relationship, then perhaps you might wanna take him more seriously.’

Bucky studied the face that was only inches before his intently. It was genuine; love and care was all that written on it. He knew all Steve was doing was for his own good; yet the more he acted like that, the more bitter he felt.

The tides in him were boiling under the calm surface. He felt like those icy blue eyes were sucking his soul, drowning him. ‘Yes, so, you think I should do that? To marry him?’

Steve froze for a moment, and then he held Bucky’s hand reassuringly. ‘Marry him? No, I mean, it’s too early for now. I am suggesting that if you want a serious relationship, you should give him a chance. After all, marriage is a big thing in life, and of course you should do it with the one –‘

Bucky looked down slowly. Steve’s hands were warm on his. The golden band on Steve’s finger was a constant reminder that Steve had made his choice and found The One. So Bucky stood up.

‘Of course. Marriage is no joke.’ He withdrew his hands and put on his jacket.

‘Where are you going? It’s late.’

‘To find the right person.’ He looked back, the muscles on his face contracted painfully so that a smile was in place. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he left.

The door slammed shut with the blow of wind. Steve stared at it, his mind completely blank. It was as if his energy was being constantly drained out by an invisible force.

‘He’s out again?’ Sam had just walked out from the shower. He looked between the door and Steve, who wasn’t quite himself, and wondered the things that could’ve happened when he wasn’t here.

‘Sam…’ Steve was turning towards him very slowly, the normally clear blue eyes a little too dull for his liking. ‘I don’t know why. I feel like I’m losing him.’

Out on the street, Bucky didn’t actually know where he was going, or where he wanted to go. There were two places he could go, but the Steves were there, and they were the last people he wanted to see now. In some sense, he was homeless.

At last, he came to a gay bar.

He stood in the shadow opposite the busy bar for a long time. Night did not deter people from having fun. The long, narrow street was a clear boundary between the fun and games over in the bar and the quietness here where Bucky lingered. He wondered if he should just walk over, into where he belonged.

Perhaps he should. It only took a step, some courage, and he would be himself at last, free from all the secrecy and lies. That would mean the start of a new life.

Clenching his jaw, he finally mustered the energy to take a step – and then he was dragged back by someone on the shoulder. He spun on his heels furiously, the inertia so great that when he stopped, the force brought him nearly bumping nose tips with Roger Grant.

‘You followed me?’ He said with narrowed eyes.

‘So, you are really gay,’ said Steve under the Nano Mask. ‘You never told me. For all the time you were with me. Never.’

‘Because it was against the law, Steve!’ Bucky snarled. ‘What would’ve happened if people knew I was gay? I’m not sure explaining to the judge my “inappropriate behaviour” would have saved me from being kicked out of the military.’

Steve sighed deeply. He tapped behind his ear, and his own face surfaced from the mask.

‘So, the person you were in love with – he was in the 107th as well, was he?’ His gaze was tender. ‘Do I know him?’

The neon lights were red and blue and green in the sapphire gaze. Bucky was silent.

Steve sighed again. ‘Is he still alive?’

‘He is well.’

Steve’s lips thinned into a hard line. He hesitated, and then: ‘Have you ever told him your feelings? It’s not a crime anymore, is it?’

Bucky shook his head, his chuckle light and soft. ‘He is straight, Steve. He’s lived a fulfilling life. There’s no need to tell him anything; I don’t want to be an intruder. It’s okay knowing the person you love doesn’t love you back. I know I love him, and he’s well, and that’s enough for me.’

Steve’s expression darkened, his gaze wistful. It hit Bucky hard.

He looked away as fast as he could, giving Steve a nudge. ‘Hey, don’t look at me like that. The last thing I need now is sympathy and pity – I’m going to forget him and start a new life.’ 

Having steadied himself, Steve pulled Bucky into an embrace – slowly, carefully, little by little, and then his chin was on Bucky’s shoulder, murmuring: ‘I know. I know.’

Bucky had thought a hug from Steve, no matter which one of them, would start a reaction from him. But when Steve did hug him, he was calm and quiet. He even started to enjoy the temperature and force of the embrace.

He laid his head in Steve, closing his eyes. ‘No, you don’t. You’re an idiot.’

‘I am one indeed,’ Steve chuckled lowly, his hand on Bucky’s back. ‘Buck, I just think… I know it’s not his fault that he is straight, but I can’t help wanting to give him a good punch for making you so upset for so many years.’

Bucky could only laugh dryly. _You just did tbis afternoon. What are the chances?_

And then Steve continued, and his heart missed a beat. ‘But then… I’m a bit jealous of him.’

‘What?’ Bucky froze. ‘Why?’

Steve was like a balloon deflated. ‘… I don’t know. I just am.’ 

And then he tightened the hug so that there was not an inch of space between them.

‘Just… why couldn’t it have been me?’ He asked with nothing but sincerity. ‘I wouldn’t have let you down like that.’

Bucky buried his face deeper. A tear slid down the crook of Steve’s neck, streaming down his chest, onto his beating heart.


	11. Chapter 11

The phone vibrated, rousing Bucky from his sleep. He found himself on the floor, a cushion between his arms. Young Steve was spooning him from behind, his hands around Bucky’s waist, and his blonde hair spilled onto the back of Bucky’s neck like sunlight. It tickled him. 

Last night’s memory caught up with him: they’d drunk a lot, like _really _a lot. Although their supersoldier metabolism would never allow them to be drunk, alcohol excited them. It was like they were sixteen again when things were simple: they joked, they wrestled, and they cuddled to sleep.

Bucky picked up the phone. ‘Yes?’

‘I’ve got something for you,’ said Nick Fury curtly. ‘See you at SHIELDS.’

And then Steve grunted. Between the moments of waking and dreaming, he nestled up against Bucky’s nape, his voice lazy like a cat’s: ‘Who’s – that –?’

For a few seconds, Nick Fury, who’d lived a long life and seen so much, was completely silent.

‘Barnes, please tell me which Rogers that is.’

Bucky pushed Steve away hastily. ‘It’s not what you think –‘

‘I didn’t think anything,’ Fury interrupted, ‘and you had better keep that to yourself. Don’t worry, my lips are sealed. –I’ll see you around.’

Bucky flung the phone away like it was scorching him. And now Steve was completely awake, he looked at Bucky, confusion all over his face. ‘What’s happening?’

Bucky did an eye roll. ‘Something extraordinarily great. Fury thinks we slept for real, I dare say.’

Steve froze, and then he burst out laughing.

‘What’s so damn funny about it?’ Bucky found himself suppressing the urge to give his friend a good punch in the nose. ‘This is completely ridiculous! Bullshit!’

‘There’s no harm in it, the way I see it,’ there was a sly smile on the corner of Steve’s lips, ‘but if the other me found out –‘

‘Oh, shut the hell up!’ And then Bucky chucked a cushion at Steve.

Sam and Fury were already there when they arrived at SHIELDS. Fury gave Steve – who was now Grant – a calculated look, his eyebrow arching to say: _Ah, so it’s him._

Taking his seat, Bucky rolled his eyes so hard that he could see the back of his skull. _For the hundredth time,__you’re overthinking._

Efficient as always, Fury had already pulled out files and spread them across the desk. ‘Professor Jones,’ – an ID appeared on the big projector screen – ‘an American citizen who works in a top-secret research lab on bioweapons.’

Jones appeared very thin. He wore thick glasses; dirty blonde hair parted in the middle, barely hanging onto the skull. He appeared to have naturally downturned lips so that there was a permanently unpleasant expression on his face.

‘He’s been kidnapped,’ Fury continued, ‘to a remote Russian town, according to our intel. But since it’s Russian territory, dispatching American Special Forces will likely alert the Kremlin and get ourselves unnecessary trouble, which is why the rescue can only be done by secret agents – that is, you.’

Steve and Grant straightened up at the same time, their voices solemn: ‘Understood.’

Sam shot them a glance of surprise.

‘Good. Check your phones for operation details later – though not nearly as extensive as I’d like it to be, I must be honest with you. Time is of the essence; you will take the 9am flight. Bear in mind that this is a secret operation; under no circumstances should you reveal your real identities.’

‘Copy that,’ said Steve and Grant in unison.

Sam turned to Grant, surprise giving way to confusion.

‘You have forty-eight hours,’ Fury took a look at his watch, eyeing the four superheroes, ‘good luck.’ And then he left them to their own devices.

Steve and Grant were one step ahead; they had made comprehensive notes during the briefing, and they were already engaged in an earnest discussion on possible strategies and deployment. Sam pushed closer to Bucky. ‘For real, bro, how are you holdin’ up?’

‘What do you mean?’

Sam’s voice was funny: ‘Two Steve Rogers!’

Bucky’s heart sank. He looked at Sam, trying not to let his agitation show. ‘Do you know how ridiculous you’re sounding?’

‘What I’m trying to say is that guy you’re seeing is absolutely a carbon copy of our dear Cap. Look at him –! How serious he’s taking it, unlike us. I wonder what it feels like to have all your close friends and your partner all Steve-Rogers-styled. A bit overwhelming, don’t you think?’

Bucky breathed a secret sigh of relief. ‘Some people, unlike you, do take things seriously. And if all my friends are Rogers copies, what does that make you?’

Sam sprang up from leaning on Bucky’s shoulder, flipping up a middle finger and making sure there was more than one metre of appropriate distance between them. ‘No homo, bro.’

Meanwhile, the Steve Rogers opposite them had reached an agreement, one of the closing their notebook. ‘Okay, that’ll be it.’

‘What are you two doing?’ Older Steve frowned slightly. ‘Throwing middle fingers?’

‘Aha, he said he loves me and won’t take no for an answer,’ said Bucky, a faint smile climbing up his lips, ‘I said I have someone already, and then he got angry at me –hence the middle finger.’

Sam held his hands up as Steve and Grant turned to him. ‘Are you seriously gonna trust the evil spy over me? Seriously?’

In order not to draw unnecessary attention, Steve and Grant decided that they made their journey separately. They split and took two flights, and even for the two people that were on the same flight, they sat miles apart and pretended not to know each other at all. After they arrived at Saint Petersburg and Moscow, they then took different trains to a town near the edges of Russian territory called Nezomvsk.

At two o’clock in the afternoon, it was confirmed that they were all there.

Though a small town, life was not boring. People were content and happy; an international crime was the last thing Nezomvsk could be associated with.

But it didn’t mean a dead end for the investigation – in fact, having a small population and its remote geographical location meant that an American like Jones, who, to be honest, had a rather unforgettable appearance, could hardly go unnoticed.

The traditional way was to check on tourist regions and residence first because those were the most popular spots, but it didn’t take a genius to know that. If they went there directly, it would be hard to say whether or not they would alert the kidnappers, or worst, the Russian government. And if they found out the invaders were American superheroes? The world might as well prepare for the second Cold War.

At last, they decided that they would walk around first and see what came of it.

Bucky was of course the first person to get the hang of it. Breathing Russian air was as smooth and familiar as his native air; he talked to sellers in a market in fluent Russian like he’d grown up here all along.

He met Sam at a fruit stall. He had assumed the identity of a French tourist and was haggling with the seller in broken English. Bucky heard the seller shout angrily, his tone more Russian than English: ‘I don’t care where you from, here is Russia, talk in our language or leave!’

‘You’re damn right,’ Bucky walked near, shooting Sam a scornful glance and swearing graciously in Russian, ‘the French jerk better learn some manners.’

Sam looked utterly perplexed. Bucky left quickly before bursting out laughing.

Pranking Sam made his day. There was a cluster of stalls near the landmark Russian Orthodox churches that sold delicacies and crafts, and there he saw two familiar figures. The one standing nearer to him was Steve, and the farther was Grant. Bucky found out with his excellent sniper vision that, though at different stalls, both of them were fidgeting with the exact same nesting doll.

_They are indeed the same person_, thought Bucky. He was not aware of the bright smile that blossomed on his face as he stared at the Steves until a girl’s voice rang: ‘Hey, come and have a look?’

Bucky turned around. It was a pretty young girl with lots of freckles. It seemed that she was very interested in Bucky; when he smiled back, her increasing delight was apparent.

So Bucky went to her stall. ‘Souvenirs?’ He asked in Russian. ‘So, how did you know I’m a tourist?’

‘I actually didn’t know you were a tourist,’ she laughed heartily, ‘I could say that you’re not a Nezomvsk resident though. I run my little stall here every day, and it’s only natural that I recognise our people, but I’ve never seen you. Well… if I had seen a face as handsome as yours, I’m sure I’d never forget it.’

She was obviously flirting with him.

‘A girl as smart as you can sure spot out foreigners,’ he praised. There were wooden combs, mirrors, wine containers, nail clippers and other delicacies. Bucky picked up an army knife on which a large Soviet red star was printed, pretending to examine it. If Jones had been here before, she would’ve spotted him as a foreigner like she did Bucky. Besides, she was interested and willing to talk. Bucky had learned enough when it came to gathering intel.

Just as he was coming up with a way to ask without appearing too rude, someone grabbed him on his butt, hard and malicious. He jump, his veins throbbing, and wheeled around to see a very muscular man behind him. He had pale blonde hair, and was a head taller, muscles piled on his body like a tree with thick heavy roots, his little eyes looking Bucky up and down with a lustful light. It made Bucky extremely uncomfortable.

‘Hey, gorgeous,’ said the guy in broken Russian, his accent heavy, ‘can I buy you a drink?’

Bucky looked up, his expression blank. He had thought of a thousand ways to beat the shit out of him, but he had more important things at hand which allowed no diversion. He gave a non-committal grunt and left ten bucks on the stall, turning –

‘Hey, are you sure you don’t anything?’ The man grabbed him on a shoulder. ‘How about 3000 dollars for a night? Deal?’

‘You’re looking for the wrong person,’ Bucky said without turning, suppressing his anger, ‘and I suggest that you take your hand off immediately.’

‘Wrong person? I’m don’t think so.’ The man laughed lewdly. ‘I recognise my… peers. You’re alone, no? You’re getting some pocket money and a night of fun, why not?’ He leaned closer so that he was now speaking in Bucky’s ear: ‘I have a big cock. I’ll fuck you good and hard –‘ 

Bucky inhaled deeply, a fist balling. Suddenly he heard a familiar voice shouting some miles away: ‘Leave him alone!’

The man released him. Bucky turned his head just in time to see him catapulted backwards by the force of a hard punch.

_Shit, we’re exposed!_ ‘Roger, you –‘ Bucky closed his mouth abruptly as he made out the person that gave the punch. It wasn’t Roger Grant at all – it was Steve Rogers, the one that was form the same universe as his, the one who was supposed to be calmer, less prone to provocations.

Steve was still staring at the instigator like a lion roaring and clawing at an invading hyaena. The man got to his feet, a hand holding his injured cheek. Steve went tense again, and was ready for another fight. But nothing remotely resembled a fight followed; the man simply shot Steve an inscrutable look, turned to Bucky, and then an odd smile spread across his cheeks.

‘I see.’ Rubbing his bleeding cheek, he left before dropping a sly ‘Goodbye.’

The lion relaxed after the hyaena slunk away. Steve walked to Bucky and sighed. ‘I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have exposed us, but I just … couldn’t tolerate that.’

Bucky looked over his shoulder. In the distance, Grant was making his way here. Bucky shook his head. _Don’t. That’s big enough a scene we’re making already._

Grant understood exactly as Bucky meant. He stopped in his tracks, not quite knowing what to do. 

‘Wow! That’s brilliant!’ The freckled stall girl who’d took everything in said behind them. ‘Does your boyfriend fight? I’ve never seen a better move before!’

Bucky had an idea. ‘Have you seen him before?’

‘A few times. A body like that hardly goes unnoticed in this small town. He’s been around quite recently, I think,’ she said causally, her attention obviously more on Steve and Bucky than anything else – she was looking at them, her smile bright and full of wonder: ‘You’re such a perfect couple!’

Bucky had made up his mind that he would get as much information as he could from her, and a white lie on such occasions was unavoidable. He blinked, snaking a hand around Steve’s waist to show to the girl that they were in deed very much in love. ‘Thanks, we’ve been together a long time.’

Steve stiffened under his arm, but he recovered quickly, having understood Bucky’s intension.

He returned the affection lightly, cautiously, by putting a hand around Bucky’s shoulder.

They had done this many times before, but Steve had always thought that was out of brotherly affections and nothing the sort between couples.

Now Steve was hugging Bucky dutifully as he imagined how a couple would do – how should it be? – Like Bucky and Grant? But as far as he could see, they’d never displayed publicly –

Wait, he had seen them. That night, in the dark alleyway that he followed Bucky into, he walked in on Bucky being pinned against the wall and kissed passionately. Bucky’s head had tilted up, his mouth slightly opened, leaking moans of pleasure – it was a side he’d never known – a great secret revealed, a blocked window broken.

He had seen Bucky kiss a girl before, but it wasn’t like that at all… He never paid them enough attention; he brushed their lips like a dragonfly skims over water, his pace steady, everything in control. That night was different. At least in that very moment, Bucky had been his purest self – he had given all of him to Grant.

A very dangerous, even sinful thought started bubbling in his mind – what if it had been me who kissed Bucky? –

His cheeks were burning.

Steve was not aware of his arms closing, his hand turning up against Bucky’s smooth chin, bending –

When at last he came to realise what was happening, he had already grabbed on Bucky’s chin and forced it up.

Bucky hadn’t attempted to resist, but his green eyes were imbued with shock, and he even licked his lips out of extreme nervousness.

Steve had seen him do it enough times to know it was a habit of his, but never had once it made his blood boil, his head heavy, and every cell of him blossom into the brightest flowers.

He banished the distance between them.


	12. Chapter 12

‘Steve…’ Bucky suddenly said in a low voice, before Steve’s lips reached his.

They were so, so close; they could feel the heat from the burning lips, their breaths mixed as one. But it was because of Bucky’s call that Steve’s eyes opened with a start.

_God, what IS he doing?_

Those green eyes were tucked behind long, trembling lashes, imbued in them was a mix of pain and torture which Steve was oblivious to, but one thing he could understand was the unspoken plea from his friend – ‘No, Steve, we shouldn’t be doing this. No, please.’

Desire and impulse cleared away, leaving behind guilt and regret. Steve didn’t understand what just happened. Though he could use the excuse of him doing it for the sake of the mission, he could not deceive himself – he knew better than anyone that, in that split second, he really had had thought of his friend in that dirty way, just like how a man would kiss a woman. He imagined pinning Bucky on the wall like Grant did, leaving on his lips a fierce, passionate kiss, hearing him moan as his tongue twirled with his, and, seeing blush and lust rose up his cheeks for _him_.

But that was a disgusting, selfish idea.

Their gaze met, and Steve looked away at the last moment possible so that his face turned slightly, and the kiss was planted not full on the lips but lightly on the cheeks.

Steve breathed a long sigh. ‘Let’s go back –’

He tightened and relaxed the grab on Bucky’s arm as they walked away, but added as the booth owner cast them a confused glance: ‘ – darling.’

Bucky looked down and echoed Steve’s affectionate pose in silence. Their pace gradually quickened as though to escape the curious glances and attention that should only have served real couples.

They passed by Grant eventually. Bucky thought he saw Grant’s shoulders wiggle a sign of recognition. Bucky’s heart was hammering in his chest as he waited, but Grant just stood there mutely, his eyes glued to the joint hands and bumping shoulders.

The scrutiny that was almost invasive made Bucky extremely uncomfortable. He looked resolutely ahead, ignoring Grant as he tried to catch Bucky’s eye, and walked quickly away with Steve at his side. But long after they were gone, he could still feel the burning gaze on their backs.

They lodged at an inn in four different rooms. Eight was the time they had agreed on for a meetup and exchange of intel.

In Nezomsvk, the sun plunged down the horizon as soon as seven approached. At seven thirty, it was all dark. Bucky had chosen the last room in the corridor on the third floor. He was laying on the bed, the lamp on the nightstand switched off. He enjoyed the darkness and quiet. They allowed him to think without being disturbed.

Suddenly, the window popped open lightly.

Bucky embraced it with widened eyes, holding his breath, his hand climbing slowly under the pillow towards his CZ Scorpion.

Breeze pulled open the cheap curtains. A figure jumped in and landed on the floor.

Bucky rolled up like a spring. In a less than a second’s time, the muzzle of his gun was already on the intruder’s forehead. ‘Who are you?’

‘Hey –‘ Grant Roger’s artificial face appeared from the shadow – ‘it’s me.’

Bucky exhaled sharply, putting down the weapon as his nerves diffused at once.

‘What the hell was that for, Steve?’ asked Bucky. ‘I thought I got caught. We’re meeting in half an hour anyway… so what’s the matter?’

‘A smart ambusher wouldn’t take the window. It’s too conspicuous. And there’s CCTV in the rooms,’ Steve replied as he took off the mask, revealing a face that was ten years younger than Bucky’s, and very sincere. ‘Your room is a bit secluded, so I thought I’d climb up. No one has seen me, I’m sure –‘

‘Fine. You can save the explanation already.’ Bucky rolled his eyes. ‘So exactly why are you here?’

Steve got to his feet slowly and sat down beside Bucky on the bed. ‘There’s… there’s something I wanted to ask you.’

‘… You climbed several floors, risked getting caught and jail in Russia just because you wanted to ask me something? Can’t you ask over radio? Or, better, we can go back and talk as long as it pleases you.’

‘No,’ Steve’s voice was firm, ‘this is a question I wanted to ask you in private. I want no audience. Also… I want to know the answer desperately. I can hardly wait.’

Bucky was thoroughly confused. ‘If you’re hoping I’ll tell you what happens after 2012, you will be disappointed.’

‘Not this.’

‘… Well, don’t get your hopes up as well if you’re after who you married. I don’t wanna talk about that.’

‘No. Not that.’

‘Then what?’ Bucky stared at him. ‘Stop beating around the bush.’

‘You…’ Steve said, but a sigh cut through as though he had a million words in mind, yet he could not string them into even one sentence.

Bucky was getting impatient. Pointing at the window, he threatened: ‘Speak or leave. You roused me, you know.’

‘… Isawyoukissed.’

‘… What?’ Bucky’s heart missed a beat. He turned and looked out the window – his room was indeed a bit secluded. There was not a single passer-by outside. ‘We didn’t… didn’t kiss. Um. Just bumped our … cheeks.’ There was a pause, and then he said with some emphasis: ‘We were only pretending. We told the lady owner we were intimate, so naturally we had to do that.’

‘But I saw you!’ Steve raised his voice. ‘You guys were like –‘

‘What? We were like what?’ Bucky spun, cutting him off. He was furious. ‘What could we have been like? You know you’re straight. What _else_ could we have looked like if not two awkward actors?’

Steve stood up suddenly, walking to Bucky. ‘Except you didn’t!’ He took one step at a time, as though he knew he would step out of line anytime, having seen how Bucky’s tense surface could break with the lava within. ‘I know what I’m going to ask is crazy and ridiculous, but I… I can no longer bear it. If I don’t get to hear you say it, I wouldn’t even be able to go back and just pretend it’s not something I think about day and night.’

It was like Bucky was on a roller coaster. He could almost smell it, feel it, the burning question that was on the tip of Steve’s tongue –

Steve took the last step, and though there were only a few inches between them, it was in fact a distance measured not only by decades, but unconquerable mountains and seas.

‘Buck…’ The Steve Rogers, who came from eleven years before, took in Bucky with his softest, most sympathetic gaze. ‘I saw how you looked at him. You can’t hide it. When he was about to kiss you, you looked like –‘

‘No!’ it was as if Bucky’s heart was going to jump out of his ribcage. He stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall, and there was nothing to hide him from Steve. ‘Don’t say it!’ He tried to it a command, but it came out more like a plea. His lips were trembling, and his voice broke like glass exploding into shards: ‘Please, don’t say it…’

Steve’s heart wrenched as though Hulk had taken it between his giant hands. His gaze at Bucky was intense; sad and deep. ‘So my guess was right. The person you’re in love with, the soldier from the 107th – the one who’s made you so sad, the one person who you can’t let go –‘

‘Shut up –! Leave, _leave! Right now!_’ Bucky’s chest was heaving heavily. He was pointing at the window, his voice dull and raspy: ‘I do not want to hear anything that doesn’t have to do with our mission tonight –‘

But Steve was motionless. ‘Why?’ He didn’t have the slightest intention to give up. ‘Why don’t you tell him? All these years, you’ve watched him, been with him – you’ve put your life on the life_ for_ him – yet you never told him you lov –‘

‘I said_ shut up_!’ The limit had been reached. Bucky wielded a punch, and then Steve was on the dusty carpet with a _thump_. But he didn’t retaliate. He just watched as Bucky lounged at him like a wild cat, pressing him down, green eyes shiny and wide with fury.

'Why? – Why! You ask me why! I’ll tell you fucking why –‘ Bucky snarled – ‘because you love Peggy, Steve fucking Rogers! You went through time, gave up fame and youth just to be with her – be her dear _husband_ – tell me, why the hell would I humiliate myself by telling you my feelings when all you have in mind is her? –’

Shock shook every atom of Steve. Bucky’s hair swayed as they breathed, crystal tears fell and broke on Steve’s face.

‘Impossible…’ Steve only looked at him, mumbling: ‘That – That’s impossible…’

Bucky only looked at him, the air he breathed out bitter. After some time, he bit his lip and released Steve with a sigh.

‘Pretend you never heard anything.’ He sat against the bed, his body weightless and limp like a corpse as he put a hand over his eyes. ‘I shouldn’t have told you all that. Do not try to fight it, Steve. No one can escape the calling of fate.’

‘No, that’s impossible, I can feel it –‘

‘Sure, whatever pleases you.’ Bucky closed his eyes. He was tired.

And then there were noises from the radio. Sam’s voice was carried through as soon as Bucky put on his earphone: ‘Bucky and Grant are you here?’

Bucky tried not to let his tired voice betrayed him. ‘Yeah.’

‘Yes I am.’ Grant had already climbed up from the carpet.

There was a second of silence from the other end. It was with some hesitation that older Steve spoke: ‘Echoes. Are you guys together?’

‘Yes,’ young Steve said loudly. ‘I’m in Bucky’s room.’

‘It is a ruthless act, Grant.’

‘I swear no one saw me,’ said Grant quickly, ‘try to understand that some urges are insuppressible.’

Steve’s silence was becoming concerning. Sam, on the hand, let out a weird cry: ‘Tut, tut. Young people nowadays are so _energetic_.’

‘Let’s get down to business, shall we.’ Bucky swallowed. ‘I’ll go first. The big guy we met this afternoon was very suspicious.’

‘I agree,’ said Steve.

‘Me too,’ added Grant.

Sam didn’t speak. And then: ‘So does that mean the three of you spent the whole afternoon together? What is going on behind me? A threesome?’

‘Shut the hell up, will you? It was a coincidence.’ Bucky didn’t leave time for responses. ‘How about you, Wilson? Anything worth discussing?’

‘Needless to say I have gathered a lot more than all of you did.’ Sam’s smugness was apparent. ‘You might wanna guess what it is about – here, they say a batch of German men have recently come to the town and been working in an abandoned warehouse since. There is one particular thin man among them, whose description fits just the professor we’re looking for.’

‘Good job, Sam,’ Steve said. ‘Is there any mention of the big muscular guy we talked about?’

‘Hmm, not that I remember.’

‘… Okay. Maybe it’s just unnecessary worry. Anyway, we should get going – thirty minutes later, warehouse.’

‘Copy that.’

Exactly thirty minutes later found the four of them a mile from the warehouse, camourflaged in black gears. Bucky examined the surroundings using his binocular. There wasn’t a single soul near the circumference of the warehouse, and what was going on inside needed further investigation. He put down the binocular, and found that the only sniper spot available was a small platform nearby, situated about two hundred and fifty metres from the warehouse.

Bucky pointed at the platform mutely. Steve, Grant and Sam understood immediately.

‘The three of us will go in,’ strategised Steve, ‘and Buck, you’ll stay. Watch out.’

‘I sure will, it’s my old job,’ Bucky chuckled, ‘careful you guys. God knows what the hell is in there.’

Steve nodded. ‘Well then, our goal first and foremost is rescue the victim. As soon as we get Jones out, we leave. Whatever happens that doesn’t concern us, leave it be.’

And off they went. Soon enough, Steve, Grant and Sam were at the entrance of the warehouse.

‘Sniper’s ready,’ said Bucky over radio.

‘Good,’ replied Steve calmly. ‘There’s no one at the door. The warehouse is large, so we’ll split and enter from different entrances – Bucky, cover for us. Once we locate Jones, shoot down the pursuers. Remember, cover, not hurt.’

‘Got that.’

So the three superheroes split. Bucky lurked in the shadows, waiting for his chance. There was occasional talking from his earphone as they reported their locations and findings. Bucky listened attentively, in his mind a rough floorplan of the warehouse was already forming.

Time passed quickly. Steve and his companies’ journey was surprisingly, suspiciously smooth. There was simply no one in the warehouse.

‘This is weird…’ Sam said. ‘I wonder if we’ve made a mistake. This seems to me the wrong place. Maybe the Germans are simply labourers.’

‘I don’t think so,’ Grant replied. ‘I have this instinct that this is the place. It feels so uncomfortable and rotten…’

‘That’s exactly what my thoughts are,’ Steve said. ‘And, here, I’ve noticed some traces left behind by obvious biochemical causes. A normal warehouse shouldn’t have that.’

Sam was confused. ‘Speak English, guys.’

Bucky chimed in. ‘So, you got any idea what this could be? You sound as if you know but are holding it back.’

Steve sighed. ‘I have this feeling… But I don’t want to believe it.’

‘Neither do I,’ agreed Grant, who sounded a bit gloomy. ‘To be frank, I’d rather believe I’m wrong.’

‘Oh please, so what exactly are you guys thinking?’ Sam was desperate. ‘I told you, there’s no one here. What should we do next?’

Steve thought for a bit, and then he said, ‘since we’re here, I think we should look for any trapdoors or basement entrances –‘

‘What?’ Sam was positively surprised. ‘You think there’s a secret basement?’

‘Believe me, it’s right up the alley of certain organisations,’ Grant agreed with Steve, though very reluctantly.

‘I understand what you’re trying to get at now,’ Bucky said dully. ‘Be careful. Once you’re underground, the sniper will no longer – mmph!‘

‘_Bucky_!’ The name was shouted in unison. Over the line, they heard sounds of fighting and hitting, and then there was a pained cry. The connection was cut off. Some ten seconds later, Bucky was online again, but it was not him but an odd, unpleasant voice that spoke.

‘Oh Captain, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think the Winter Soldier would’ve gotten so weak after he came back to you that a needle trick was enough to knock him out.’

Steve bristled immediately – he recognised the voice. It belonged to the very man who groped Bucky this afternoon.

He breathed heavily. There was buzzing in his blank mind, and his heart was in his throat. He forced himself to calm down – he did try. This warehouse felt eerily _familiar_. And this, this man, this trap, all pointed towards something he feared most deep down –

‘What do you want?’ He heard himself ask. His hands were trembling.

‘Captain America, I want you to get in the basement alone. No weapons, please.’ The man gave a shrill laugh. ‘And don’t even think of bringing your flying friend. I have some exciting news to share with you, though. I found something interesting in Siberia, and by the looks of it, it can last for another fifty years. You don’t want to see it be tested on your dear Bucky, do you? Ten minutes, Captain. Ten minutes later, if I don’t see you here, I can’t promise what I’ll do to the Soldier.’

Steve’s heart was crumpled into a ball, his stomach contracting so hard that he almost retched. He adjusted his breathing, but to little avail.

‘Who are you?’ He asked through clenched teeth.

‘Only a successor,’ laughed the man, and then came the devil’s code: ‘_Hail Hydra_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's everyone doing? I hope you all are staying well and healthy during this turbulent time of the world.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this provides everyone with a bit of happiness and comfort during this turbulent time. Stay strong.

Their ragged breathing mingled with the noise of the radio. 

‘There’s no time to dawdle about,’ said Steve. ‘ I’ll get down now.’ 

‘Wait! Are you sure you’re gonna go down alone? It’s obviously a trap!’ Sam all-but shouted. ‘That guy asked for Captain America? I am Captain America now. Let me go.’ 

‘Thanks, Sam,’ Steve managed with a bitter grin, ‘but that guy, he obviously planned this for Bucky and me. This is between us and Hydra, and we should be the ones to end it.’ He pelted down the stairs as he was speaking. On the first floor, he ran into both Sam and Grant, who, like him, had gotten down without a second thought. Since they were all there anyway, they didn’t waste a second but split up to find the entrance to the basement. It didn’t take long for them to find it at the bottom of a dry cistern in the north wing. 

‘This is it, then,’ said Steve. ‘Right, here I go.’ 

‘Bring this!’ Sam shoved a bug under Steve’s gear. ‘Scott gave me this a few days ago. It is anti-interference so we will know what you’re doing down there. If it comes to it, we will come down.’ 

Steve was frowning hard. ‘Thanks. But that will be our last resort. Remember, Bucky is in their hands. I don’t know what they’d do to him if you showed up.’ 

Sam gave a little pat on his shoulder. ‘Of course.’ 

Steve crouched, and down he went. Grant had been silent all along. Sam turned and tried to console him, ‘Are you alright there, bro? Don’t worry, Bucky will be fine. We’ve always been able to outsmart Hydra. And don’t forget we fought Thanos, and we won. What could possibly be harder than that?’ 

Grant inhaled deeply. 

‘As a matter of fact, for the longest time, I had had the belief that I could fight the biggest battles, until… until I lost the most important person in my life. That was a hard lesson.’ With a sigh, he looked back at Sam, and his gaze grew firmer. ‘But don’t you worry. I will always have hope no matter the situation. Always.’ 

Down below them, in a narrow tunnel, Steve was counting his steps to get an estimate of how deep the basement was. Finally, when he had taken the 271th step, the tunnel opened up to a chamber in which a dozen of ‘workers’ were busying themselves. Behind them, the blood red symbol of Hydra was splashed on a wall, sending pangs of disgust and agony over Steve. 

When Steve stepped out from the shadow, the ‘workers’ all dropped their work, their eyes narrowed and seemed to burn holes in Steve. One of them, as though to boost their morale, started whistling and said in German, ‘Well, well, if it isn’t the legendary Captain America.’ 

‘I’ve come to look for my friend,’ said Steve, his tone neutral. ‘I don’t have weapons.’ 

Two people came up. Without a word, they carried out a body search on Steve. They nodded at each other when they were done. Steve let them, but when they tried to bend Steve by pressing on his back, he shook them off. 

‘Leave your hands off me. I can walk myself,’ he said with a majestic air to the young Hydra pawns. ‘Bring me to your boss.’ 

This brought the rest of the workers on their feet. Weapons in their hands, they were ready to attack. Suddenly a voice spoke over their heads, magnified by the speaker: ‘Let him be. Bring our dear Captain to me directly.’ 

After a few turns, Steve arrived at a room full of eerie metal tubes and complicated-looking equipment. The workers who brought him there as soon as he set foot in the room. The first thing Steve’s eyes landed on was Bucky, whose eyes were shut, and his head lolled at the side, his brown hair spilled over his face. There were no signs of movement. He was manacled to a metal chair. Instead of a top, his upper body was strewn with loops and wires. And on his chest, near where his heart was, was a device that flashed with an ominous light. 

Steve rounded on the culprit -- who was standing right next to Bucky -- and roared: ‘What have you done to him?’ 

‘Nothing special, Steve Rogers. I didn’t use the old stuff from fifty years ago.’ The man was tall with broad shoulders, and his smile was sinister. ‘He’s simply under anaesthetic and muscle relaxant.’ He said as he bent, dragging Bucky’s lolling head up by his long hair, slapping him hard on the face. ‘Wake up, Captain America’s bitch. Your man is here.’ 

‘Don’t insult him like that!’ Steve’s fists rolled up. He heard blood boiling in his veins. 

Bucky managed to snap his eyes open. When his vision cleared and he saw Steve standing at the centre of the room, his pupils contracted with fear. ‘Go without me, Steve, go! Don’t believe a word he said,’ his rasped, ‘he _ is _ Jones. He fabricated his kidnap as a bait. His target is you!’ 

Jones slapped him again. Bucky slumped aside where the force brought him, and he blacked out again. 

‘Don’t you dare touch him!’ Steve snarled, taking a step forward. ‘What do you want?’ 

‘I suggest you stop that if you don’t want to see a hole through the Soldier’s chest.’ Jones rubbed his wrist, his eyes sparkling with thrill and admiration at Steve’s powerlessness. ‘I want to make a deal with you.’

‘You really are Jones? You don’t look the same on your ID.’ 

‘Oh Rogers, sweet, innocent Rogers -- you didn’t look like this back then, did you? If you could change into a bulky guy from a sick tiny kid, then why can’t I?’ 

Steve stared at him like a hawk, silent and alert. Jones, on the other hand, was confident. He strolled around Bucky in a pace that was neither fast nor slow. 

‘In 1945, Hydra developed a secret weapon that could turn the tables at its headquarters in Berlin. Unfortunately, Berlin was compromised before the weapon could be put into use. The Nazis hid it in a place where no one but them were privy to. I came to know of its existence a few years ago. I starting seeking it out, but I found nothing. It was only in last year that I located it in an abandoned Hydra base in Siberia along with an intact vial of the serum. A week ago, I took the serum, betting my life…’

He stopped, caressing his new gained muscles, a smile stretching: ‘It was a painful process, but it was all worth it. This is my new life.’

Steve was thoroughly disgusted. ‘What does it have to do with us?’

‘Oh, yes, everything.’ Jones stopped on a door-sized lid with strange runes and patterns on the floor. It was covering what looked like a pool whose sides were protected with a metal case, and around it were wires and buttons and devices Steve couldn’t name. ‘The weapon is in it,’ said Jones. 

‘Here?’ 

‘Yes, exactly. But it is very particular about who can access it._ You _. You’re the only person who can do it.’ 

‘How?’ 

‘It needs your blood.’ Jones’s looked at Steve with a greedy passion. ‘Only your blood works, Steve Rogers. This is a blood collecting pool specially designed by Hydra for you. it will open when 5000 mL of your blood is drained into it.’ 

‘Steve, I fucking said it -- leave!’ Bucky shouted again as he came around. ‘5000 mL of your blood is going to leave you a dry corpse! You will unquestionably die. This is a trap created for nothing but your death --’

Jones marched towards him, his iron grip seized Bucky’s chin so that he could no longer produce intelligible speech. 

‘I know this will be difficult for you, that’s why I got your friend to persuade you. Look here, see this thing on your boyfriend? This is a time bomb. It only stops when your blood level reaches the 5000 mL benchmark. Oh, I know that look, and you can stop having that thought. You have 10 minutes, Captain America. And 10 minutes is far too short for you stop the time bomb without triggering it.’ 

Steve was trembling. Bucky was watching him with an agonised expression, imploring Steve to leave. 

‘Well, Rogers?’ Jones was grinning. ‘Will you leave him here, or will you give out 5000 mL of your blood to save the person who means more than the world to you?’ 

‘Please, Steve, I said leave…’ Bucky choked out between sobs. ‘This is nothing but a trap. Even if you give out all of your blood, there is no promise the freak will let me live.’ 

Jones’s fingertip drew a line on Bucky’s naked chest, his voice weirdly shrill, ‘Of course I will. I’ve long been fascinated by the Winter Soldier. You’re a human weapon who I foresee will be useful to me a lot of times…’ 

‘You hear that Steve? Even if I live, there are things worse than death!’ Bucky shouted until his throat went dry. ‘Leave now, you can’t die here. The world needs you, SHIELD needs you, Sam and others --’ 

‘But I need you,’ Steve cut him off, his gaze steady on him. ‘I…’ 

The words died on his tongue. He couldn’t bear to finish it, not yet. He went to the pool, and Bucky could only stare.

‘I must give it a shot, Bucky. I am a supersoldier. Losing 5000 mL of blood might not end me straight away…’ He closed his eyes for a moment, then, with absolute determination, he jabbed the needle into his vein. 

Bucky arched up from the iron chair. ‘No! Steve! -- You’re an idiot! -- Why, you’re always so fucking stubborn --’ 

Jones shoved a gag into his mouth impatiently. ‘Shut up, he’s made his mind. Look at him while you still can -- does that move you? He’s going to die for you.’ 

In the meantime, Sam was nuts as he listened in to the conversation in the basement. ‘Shit! This is a death trap. Do we really have to watch either of them die, if not both?’

Grant stretched out his arm at Sam. ‘This isn’t a death trap. Give me your shield.’

‘W...what?’ Sam turned to him, surprised and confused. ‘You can fight with it?’ 

‘A bit more experienced than you’re with it,’ Grant was grave and sincere, ‘please believe me.’ 

This was all too familiar -- the tone, the look in his eyes -- it was like a current was running in Sam’s veins. It was electrifying. He looked his partner of a few days up and down in a new light, recalling the odd but magical feelings he had around him, the almost-calling-him-Steve urges, and a thought began to solidify into a tangible shape --

‘You… _ who _exactly are you?’ 

Grant had neither time nor energy for more lies. He took a deep breath. Next, the mask on his face disappeared. 

‘It’s me,’ he told the truth, ‘I am Steve Rogers from 2012. I had not known you then.’ 

Sam’s eyes were large, his mouth wide open at the shocking revelation. But a second later, the round shield was swiftly handed over. 

‘Thank you for placing your trust in me, but please don’t tell the other me about this,’ continued Steve solemnly. ‘Trust me, we’re all going to get out of this. Jones will need to keep Bucky alive to make me give him my blood. There will be no danger to either of them for the time being, and while they wait -- _ we fight _.’ 

Sam was already glowing with newfound confidence and spirit. ‘Copy that!’ 

Back in the basement, the blood level reached 2200 mL. Steve blacked out at last, his face a deadly white. Bucky had stopped struggling. There were no tears left to cry. He just stared at Jones with an icy, penetrating gaze. 

‘Don’t look at me like that, gorgeous,’ Jones was smiling his lustful smile again, ‘are you planning on avenging your boyfriend? Sadly, there’s --’ 

_ Bang, bang, bang! _Explosion sounds came through the lab door. Before they could all react, a figure jumped in through the smoke and fire. 

Jones’s eyes were huge. ‘Who’s that?’ 

‘Someone whose name would be an insult on your lips,’ said the intruder. 

In pure elation and almost disbelief, Bucky saw Grant flung the shield at Jones, who fell down immediately. He was struggling, trying to get up, but obviously Grant would not allow him to do it -- he lunged over so that Jones was pinned tightly to the floor, the shield hanging just a few centimetres above his neck like a knife. 

‘You can’t always save the day!’ Jones shouted. ‘You can’t stop it even if you kill me. The Winter Soldier, and his stupid, stubborn lapdog -- his darling -- they’re all going to die!’ 

‘Tut, tut, you’re wrong about two things here, Professor Jones,’ Grant said, his eyes narrow as he shook his head. ‘First, I can indeed save the day. They will both live. And second…’ 

Jones’s eyes were red with disbelief and puzzlement. Grant leaned in and whispered, ‘His darling is _ me _.’ 

And then he closed his eyes and sank the shield. Jones head was severed from his body, his blood spilled all over Grant. 

Finally bathed in Hydra’s blood, Grant stood up from the corpse. He took out Bucky’s gag. 

‘S -- Steve --’ Bucky was stuttering. 

‘Don’t worry.’ Grant kneeled, touching Bucky’s face with his hands so that a red trail shone bright against the pallor. ‘Don’t be afraid, Buck.’ His forehead was touching his, his voice tender. ‘We’re here to save you.’ 

And then he went to Steve who had went into a coma. He withdrew the needle carefully, and, with a slight frown, he inserted it in his vein. 

‘The way is clear!’ Sam ran in, traces of fighting on him. He released Bucky from the manacles and fidgeted with the circuits and wires. The countdown device on Bucky’s chest flashed from time to time. 

‘Five minutes left,’ Sam said with a tight throat, ‘we won’t be able to work out the bomb in five minutes.’ 

‘Leave it. I’m getting my blood through,’ Grant said in a deep voice, and when he looked at Bucky, he smiled. ‘It will be over in a few minutes. No one will die because of it, I promise.’ 

Sam called SHIELD for backups. When Grant, too, lost consciousness because of excess blood loss, the device gave a little pop sound, and the ominous flashing stopped. Meanwhile, 5000 mL of Steve Rogers’s blood was sucked away by the pool hungrily, and then a long narrow gap appeared on the originally seamless surface of the pool. A small metal platform rose from it. 

There was nothing but a few pieces of flimsy, yellow paper that looked like they’d been preserved there for a few centuries. Sam had a look at them. Written full on them were equations and chemical symbols, annotated by what appeared to Sam’s eyes German. He took them to Bucky. 

He skimmed through them, and his face appeared paler when he finished. ‘If all worked out, this would be the bioweapon invented by the Nazis. One drop of it would kill a population of a middle-sized town … fortunately they never had enough time to use it. No wonder Jones wanted this. He was trying to reassemble Hydra, and this would easily make him the conqueror of a country -- and more, given time.’ 

‘That’s disgusting.’ Sam snatched the paper back, ripping them into pieces. 

Bucky gave him a look. ‘Hey, you should’ve handed them over to SHIELD. You’re Captain America now.’ 

‘Hand them over my ass!’ Sam tutted. He looked at Steve and Grant, who were side to side on the floor. ‘Working with Cap has taught me one thing -- I only do what I think is right.’ 

Steve and Grant came around respectively on planes sent over by Fury. 

‘Where’s Bucky?’ was Steve’s first question after he woke. Bucky went to him immediately, placing a hand on his for comfort. ‘Here. We’re all safe.’ 

Only then did Steve let out a sigh of relief. ‘That’s great. I thought… How did you do it?’ 

Sam pointed back from the cockpit. ‘I won’t take the credit this time. It’s all Roger’s.’

Steve turned to Roger Grant. ‘Thank you,’ he said sincerely. ‘We were so lucky to have you.’ 

Grant gave him a small smile, and then he turned to Bucky with an arm outstretched. ‘C’mon, babe. I need you.’ 

Sam and Bucky rolled their eyes at the same time, but still Bucky went. 

‘How did you do it, Grant?’ Steve said again. ‘I thought there was no other way… I had wanted to sacrifice myself. At least Bucky would live.’ 

Grant did not immediately reply. He was still looking at Bucky, his eyes puppy-dog-like. ‘Babe, can I sleep on your lap? My head is spinning, and my neck hurts --’ 

Bucky’s glare said he very much wanted to knock him out again, but Steve was looking at them, and they still had to pretend even though Sam knew, so Bucky could only sit down and let Grant shamelessly climbed onto him. 

Sam let out a gagging sound. He put on his goggles without hesitation. 

‘Because,’ Grant finally said, turning to face Steve on Bucky’s lap, saying provocatively, ‘I have a secret way. But even if I told you, you wouldn’t learn to use it.’ 

Steve was eager to show that he could. He raised an eyebrow at the careless young man. ‘Oh? What is it?’ 

‘I am always in victory’s way,’ Grant smiled, ‘because my love for Bucky Barnes is most loyal and never-changing.’ 

Steve froze. 

Two pairs of blue eyes fought as they met, shooting sparks and daggers. A moment later, Steve looked away first. He studied the metal pattern on the headliner instead. 

‘I see,’ he rasped, and then he closed his eyes. 

And in the cockpit, Sam Wilson shoved his ear plugs in. 

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my! The post-quarantine school work is crushing me!! But this is SUCH an amazing chapter (second favourite chapter, in fact) that I just HAD to do it over night!

It was then time for Nick Fury to do a perfunctory briefing the others on what happened to Jones. The other sub-teams were also here, and were nodding and giving Steve’s team looks of admiration.

Steve and Grant were in front, attentive as usual; Bucky and Sam picked the seats farthest away from Fury, who glossed over the detail of the mission and only said it was top tier secret that only the highest-level members had access to it at the moment. He did, however, give an analysis of Jones’s defection and the ramifications of it, including the possibility of the remaining Hydra bases all around the world.

While Fury’s attention was diverted, and using the advantage of sitting at the farthest back, Sam kicked the back of Bucky’s chair. The result of Sam’s shameless attack was Bucky being disrupted from an extraordinary performance of spinning his pen, and said pen dropping to the floor, separated from its cap.

‘What!’ Bucky turned, glaring. ‘Your wings are itchy again, I presume?’

‘Sorry, um, I can’t hold it anymore. What do you _really _think about that?’ Sam was grimacing and saying quickly, ‘you know, these days, the only thing that surprises me more than Bucky Barnes getting himself a boyfriend is the fact that Bucky Barnes’s boyfriend is _actually_ _another Steve Rogers_.’

‘Damn!’ Bucky shot Steve and Grant a quick glance, and, after making sure they were physically and spiritually devoted to jotting notes, whispered, ‘I don’t care whatever the fuck you have in mind, but if you know that he is Steve from another timeline, you should understand that he is not my boyfriend at all. We only say that to hide his real identity.’

‘Ah, what a shame,’ Sam sighed with a saccharine air. He bent to pick up the pen and give it to Bucky. ‘I thought there was something between the two of you. I was actually impressed, bro, ‘cause it’s not within everyone’s ability to sleep around with one Steve and keep a straight face with the other –‘

‘I did _not_ do any of that!’ Bucky took the pen with some difficulty. ‘And, allow me to point out that they are the same person – who is straighter than a pole – this Steve and that. I’d be crazy to fool around with Steve Rogers, no matter which timeline he’s from!’

‘Theoretically, yes, but in reality…’ Sam’s gaze glided to the strong back of Grant, his smile full of meaning. ‘That little guy from 2012 is way too sweet. I wonder how he managed it – _“Babe, can I sleep on your lap?” _Great acting. Great acting there, indeed.’

_Snap. _The pen broke into two halves easily in Bucky’s hand, blue ink spilled like oozing blood.

‘Shut up,’ Bucky said coldly, ‘or this will be you.’

Sam wasted no time in doing that.

When the Fury’s briefing finally ended, Bucky and Sam were among the first to escape the conference room. They didn’t really run off, of course. They stopped at the turn of the stairs and waited.

Soon enough, Grant was seen to be coming out in a haste as though chasing someone. He relaxed, a smile of relief climbed up his face as he spotted Bucky standing with his back to the wall, his hands in his pocket.

‘I thought you left,’ he said, coming towards them.

‘No, I was waiting for you.’ Bucky straightened his back. ‘I wanted to speak to you.’

Grant was staring into his eyes. He replied with a heavier than usual, ‘Great. I wanted to speak to you as well.’

Sam’s mouth twisted. He rolled his eyes towards them and stuck his head back into the conference room, yelling: ‘Cap! Aren’t you leaving yet?’

Steve’s voice sounded from the room. ‘Sorry, not yet. I’d like to have a word with Fury. Alone.’

‘Fine. I’ll just grab lunch myself.’ Sam looked at the diminishing figure of Bucky and Grant, his mouth a pout. ‘_’Tis the season of love_ – so what? I’m not alone at all.’

Steve waited until the conference room was deserted save Fury and him. He marched towards him, and, standing before him, he went straight in without beating around the bush, ‘Who is Roger Grant really?’

Fury blinked. ‘We’ve talked about this.’

‘His moves are very similar to mine.’

‘Your moves are similar to Barnes’s.’

Steve’s voice raised a note. ‘That’s because they were taught by Bucky when we were young. But Grant –‘

Fury only said with a light voice, ‘Oh right, did he tell you about him being your admirer? That’s probably why. It’s a way of learning.’

‘He did,’ Steve gave an almost self-deprecating smile, ‘but it seems to me he’s more Bucky’s admirer than mine.’

Fury’s brow rose comically. ‘What, are you jealous because his idol isn’t you but Barnes? If that’s the case, then the little guy’s really got something in him – that is him getting the guy of his dream that we’re talking about. It’s a legend.’

‘This is not a joke material, Fury,’ Steve was very serious, ‘don’t you think he’s a bit suspicious? Have you noticed how he looks at Bucky? How do I say it – it’s an odd look, to say the least.’

‘Oh?’ Fury seems very interested suddenly as the question brought his tone to a new height. ‘What do you mean?’

Steve frowned hard. ‘I can’t put it into words… it’s just… he always gives me the feeling he’s has his eyes on Bucky for some plan… And, how did he rescue the both of us from Jones? Allow me to say this, Fury – have you looked into his background – carefully? Surely he’s not some secret Hydra agent?’

It looked like Fury was suppressing a laugh.

‘Really, Grant? Hydra? That’s impossible, Captain. Hydra killed his best friend. He doesn’t despise Hydra any less than you do.’ 

It stirred something in Steve. A moment later, he sighed. ‘Well then, I hope I made a mistake. Please tell me then, if you know – how did Grant get us all out?’

There were a few seconds of silence. At last, Fury shrugged. ‘Fine, I’ll tell you. Roger Grant has many secret talents, one of which is having unlimited blood in his body.’

‘Unlimited blood?’ Steve couldn’t believe his ears. ‘What on earth is that supposed to mean?’

‘Come on, Captain. We’re living in a world where racoons can talk. What else can be stranger than that?’ He then removed his eyepatch, his face grave and solemn. ‘I swear on my eye – if there’s any falsehood in what I said, this eye would be the reminder of the dumbest and most meaningless loss I’ve suffered.’

Reluctantly, Steve accepted his explanation, merely out of respect for his sacrifice for whatever noble cause that had cost him his sight. 

‘Go to Coney Island with me,’ was the first thing that Roger Grant said to Bucky as soon as they set foot outside the headquarters. 

‘This is exactly what I was going to talk to you about.’ Bucky crossed his arms like he was giving himself a hug, the look he was sending ‘Grant’ devoid of joy and its usual decisiveness. ‘I don’t think we should continue pulling this ridiculous, comical, stupid fake-dating trick. To be frank, thing’s been difficult to me now that Sam finds out about who you are – two Steves, one is my best friend, the other my pretend boyfriend – my brain is going to explode! I’m sorry, I really am, but we’re not going to Coney Island for a date.’ 

‘Then don’t take it as a date!’ Grant said desperately. ‘You’re still the one in charge of my affairs in this world whatever happens, right? Come with me to Coney Island. Take it as a mission, if you like.’

‘But why Coney Island?’

‘I’ve missed the hotdogs there – it’s been a hundred years. I think I just miss home.’ His expression was sorrowful, a clear sign that said he was not going to give up until Bucky said yes.

‘… fine,’ was Bucky’s only choice.

Stepping into Coney Island was a huge boost to Steve’s mood. He switched off the mask as soon as they were there.

‘I feel like the buildings here just _recognise _us. One can say they’re the few of our old friends left,’ Steve explained as he pointed at the amusement area where lofty entertainment facilities rose.

It was an understatement to say that the area was not the same as it was a hundred years ago, but there were, of course, some stubborn constructions that survived through the war and remained popular thereafter; one of which was the infamous wooden roller coaster that made sixteen-year-old Steve throw up all over his knees.

‘Wanna try it?’ Steve looked excited.

‘Hell no,’ Bucky shook his head, ‘I don’t want your vomit all over me again.’

‘I definitely am not going to do that again.’

‘You said the same thing last time – yes, I meant that time eighty years ago.’

Bucky didn’t appear too excited, so Steve did no more urging. They took a random stroll around the area, bought hotdogs they no longer had to split due to their empty wallets, and sat down, admiring the view where children squealed and laughed as they were thrown up and down by the roller coaster. 

Sundown came unannounced. Steve and Bucky were walking on the plank road near the sea. The fading sunlight painted the planks a shade of bright gold. Steve and Bucky took the long chair facing the Atlantic, the murmur of waves their only company.

‘You act like an actual adult now, Bucky.’ Steve stretched his long legs, relaxed. ‘This used to cheer you up like mad.’ 

‘We’re both a hundred years old now, dude,’ Bucky laughed lightly, ‘physically speaking I’m in my thirties. That’s still not as young as we used to be.’

‘But you never were the type to just sit and brood… it gives me an illusion that we’re both grey and old, and have been sitting here watching the sun for a century already.’

‘He was indeed grey and old the day you came here,’ Bucky said in a low voice suddenly.

And just like that, _he_ was brought into the conversation in an abrupt term; Bucky was obviously not going to explain who _he_ was, and Steve didn’t need him to, either.

‘He didn’t stay an old man for too long, but during the days that he did, I thought about a lot of things,’ Bucky continued. ‘I wondered if he could still walk after a few more years like that? Would his teeth fall out one by one, would his vision go bad, and would his memories fade? By then, I would have to bring him here, in his wheelchair, and ask how he remembered Coney Island a century ago.’ 

‘Of course he would. Do you remember how many days we had to go without dinner to come here just once?... Those were our happiest times.’ Steve sighed, long and heavy, and turned to face Bucky. ‘And then what would you do? – Oh, I know that look – don’t tell me you’d push the poor old man into the sea. You’re evil, Sergeant Barnes.’

‘What are you talking about? This is slander, Captain America.’ Bucky pushed him playfully. He found the joke so funny that tears started to wet his eyes. He rubbed them dry, and pointed. ‘Do you see that glowing coastline?’

So Steve’s gaze followed his finger. Where the sand ended was the start of the sea, and where the sea ended was the last warmth of the sinking sun, whose red orange light clung onto the coastline before they dissolved into the night.

‘I would point to him that glowing line, and say to him, look, Steve, I’m still better at keeping my word, ain’t I? That is the end of the world. _The end of the line_. It’s me who is with you till the end of the line.’ 

Steve turned, looking at his profile, unblinking. ‘And then?’

‘Well, it didn’t happen. He turned back into a young guy. And it seems that he doesn’t plan to return to the stage of an old man in the foreseeable future.’ Bucky’s eyes caught Steve’s. He was smiling. ‘And so my plan lost its purpose. Do you understand me?’ 

‘No, I don’t,’ Steve said stubbornly.

Bucky shook his head. ‘Yes, you do. You just don’t want to.’

The sun finally went under the horizon. The velvet curtain fell, and the city lit up. Coney Island by the dark sea was even prettier than it was in daylight, like a dream. 

‘It’s getting dark. Is the job done, boss?’ Bucky joked.

Steve grabbed his hand, dragging him up from the chair. ‘I request an overtime, Bucky. I want to ride on the Ferris wheel.’

‘Why are you extra childlike today?’

‘Because I’m sixteen again every time I’m with you.’

Bucky surrendered.

The Ferris wheel rose slowly, bringing the vibrant city to life. The cabin was like a private barrier that held the two of them from the real world.

After a lot of deliberation, and rounds of debate in his mind, Steve finally opened his mouth: ‘Actually, Bucky, I brought you here to tell you that –‘

‘You don’t have to do this, Steve.’ Bucky retrieved his gaze from the night view to Steve’s eager face and sighed. ‘I know what you’re trying to do. You have been extra passionate and good to me since you found out my feelings for him. But I said it once, and I will say it again: pity is the last thing I need, especially pity from you.’

‘… no, you misunderstood me!’ Steve didn’t wait for Bucky’s last syllable to die out. ‘This is not pity from me at all! All I want is more time with you before I’m sent back to my timeline, so that, before I find you again, at least I have this.’

‘I’m sorry to disappoint you, but your memories will be deleted when you go back so that the original history will be preserved. Reality is cruel.’

Steve froze.

‘That… I…’ he slumped against the back of the chair. ‘That _is_ cruel. I don’t want to forget you.’

‘But you never forget me, Steve,’ said Bucky softly. ‘I did. And what’s the problem with that? You see, we’re still together in the future. We’re still best friends, and that’s what matters.’

‘No, you know that’s not true.’ Steve shook his head dejectedly. ‘I can feel it. There is a big chasm between you and him that we are not what we used to be. But I don’t want it to be like that, I don’t understand why it has to be like that, I _can’t_! Why? – is it because of Peggy Carter?’

‘It is dangerous territory you’re stepping into, dude.’ Bucky’s expression grew cold. ‘You know how much I hate to talk about this.’

‘But this is what I’ve come to talk to you today,’ Steve face was eager, ‘there is something which must be addressed between the two of us.’

Bucky lowered his head, letting his long hair fall on his face, his eyes hiding under the shadow of the brow ridge.

‘I don’t want to talk about it, because I am jealous,’ his voice came out light and small from the dark where he hid, ‘but I don’t even have the right to be jealous. You understand that, Steve? I never expect my feelings to be returned. I tell myself he’s my best friend, and he always will be. When we were kids, I was willing to give up everything I had if it meant he would grow to be a healthy adult. And now, I am willing to give up everything I ever had in exchange for him to lead a normal, happy life. But… feelings, unlike reason, are often selfish. The fact that I’m willing to make a sacrifice doesn’t mean I can watch him marry a woman and not get jealous at all.’

This made Steve very sad.

‘It is indeed very difficult for me to imagine that the future me had any reason to go back and marry Peggy,’ he finally replied with great difficulty. ‘What happened between Peggy and I was a beautiful thing that did not come to fruition; it was something I’ll always look back upon with fond memories, and I’ll never forget that I owe her a dance. But that would not be the reason I abandon all that I have now and insert myself into a woman’s past that would otherwise be perfect without me. She and I both had great things to do. To go back and marry her is a selfish decision. It is unfair to us both.’

‘You just haven’t gone through life after 2012,’ said Bucky patiently. ‘Maybe fate had made you realise you’d lost too much, and having a stable family was what you’d grown to hope for yourself after a life of constant change and despair. You may not understand now, but I can – you needed a home, a family, and Peggy was the bay to your boat.’ 

‘I don’t think so…’ Slowly, Steve said.

The neon lights from afar reflected in Steve’s blue eyes, and Bucky, staring into them, felt his heartbeat soared. He had a sudden feeling about what he was going to say.

‘I already have family. Always have.’ Steve stared back just as he thought he would, passionate and most sincere. ‘I am never a boat without destination. I always have had a bay waiting for me to come home.’ 

‘No, no, stop.’ Bucky’s heart was throbbing. He turned abruptly so that he didn’t have to look in Steve’s eye. ‘I don’t want to listen to this anymore. And you - you should stop it as well.’

‘Bucky!’ Steve said loudly. ‘You’re avoiding the truth! You know exactly what I mean!’

Bucky couldn’t help but put a hand on his forehead, hoping that his hand would shield him from the heated gaze of Steve, his brain a muddle. He was breathing roughly, unevenly, and stuttered, ‘You, you can’t be like this, Steve. You – you’re batshit crazy. No, I get it, you’re fresh out of the ice, you need me because I’m the only one connected to your past, but this isn’t love. You need to understand this, this isn’t fucking –‘

‘Why do you never believe me?’ Steve took a step forward, grabbing Bucky’s shoulders tightly. ‘I may have once been blinded, but now, after what we’ve gone through, after we’ve been separated for seventy years, I will never confuse my feelings for you with anything!’

Bucky’s hand fell. His eyes were bloodshot and red around the rims, and his face very pale. He only replied quickly: ‘I know how much you love me. You would die for me, I know, I know. But you see, the future you would also die for me. That isn’t the same as love!’

He took a pause. And then, he continued in a rasp, ‘Do you know what love is, Steve? It is the combination of all your ugliest desires – it is the desire to own, to control, to be guilty and jealous, to want to hug, kiss and many more! Open your eyes and see for yourself. I am a man – a man just like you who has a beard and Adam’s apple and all else. You love me, but that isn’t love. You don’t feel attraction or desire for my body but disgust!’

Steve got to his feet like a spring. ‘How do you know I don’t?’

Their cabin had risen to the highest point of the wheel. Steve’s heavy step had made it swing back and forth in the air. Bucky immediately got hold of the window bar in a tight grip, and his voice was loud and sharp: ‘Are you crazy, Steve Rogers?’

‘Yes! I am crazy! Because I am jealous – I’m so crazily jealous!’ There was something so fierce yet so unfamiliar in his eyes that shook Bucky. ‘In that Russian town, when I had to watch him kiss you –‘

‘He didn’t kiss me! He didn’t even want to kiss me!’

Steve ignored him. ‘You don’t know how I felt. I… I wanted so much to just run to your side, push him away and say to him, “Hey, fuck off, you married man, don’t you dare touch Bucky again. He’s mine!’“

Bucky looked at him incredulously, his heart, as well as his body, were shaking to the point of explosion. ‘Do you have any fucking idea what you’re saying? You’re

deceiving yourself! You are him, and he is you! And you fucking know that!’

‘So you love me,’ Steve lower himself slightly, reaching for Bucky’s chair so that his arms were around him, pinning him down, ‘you love him, and he is me. So you love me.’

Bucky felt that his heart was struggling to hold in the pressure. Hundreds and thousands of pieces of tenderness, love, hate, guilt and shame fused to form a giant piece, weighing on his core. His soul screamed for space, and his reason was on the verge of tipping. 

‘Yes, and because you are him, you should remember who you chose more than anyone else…’ He managed, staring deadly at the blue eyes that were just centimetres away, trying to coat a layer of metal around his deflating self, ‘that he does not love me. He chose Peggy Carter!’

‘I don’t believe that. That is _not _my future,’ Steve sounded a lot more determined than him. ‘You are my future, Bucky Barnes. You are my past, present, and future – my choice will only ever be you.’

So reason finally tipped over, and walls collapsed.

_It’s too tiring,_ thought Bucky. _It really is too tiring. _He’d been doing this for so long already. 

‘You will make me a sinner, Steve Rogers,’ Bucky said between heavy breaths. The pressure Steve brought on was suffocating him. ‘You know you will put on the ring for someone else, yet you still have to torture me… you’re such an asshole…’

Steve only smiled, tenderly and alluringly. ‘Close your eyes, Bucky.’

He obeyed, just like he’d obeyed Steve Rogers as always without ever rejecting his orders.

_Boom. Boom. Boom_. Fireworks exploded in the sky near them, and Bucky knew, that it was the traditional show that Coney Island put on for its visitors. He could even imagine the spark and light that conquered the night and expelled the dark.

And then, he felt Steve’s lips. They were first on his forehead, and then his eyes, his nose.

Steve was kissing Bucky clumsily, cautiously, just as Bucky had dreamed in shame eighty years ago, when they were first at Coney Island.

Finally, when Steve lips reached his, the kisses entered a crescendo of tension, greed, and heated lust. Just like the heavy feeling of sin generated by the taboo love, they ran over Bucky’s heart, merciless and wild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you watched Captain Marvel, you will know that Fury does indeed lose his eye in the dumbest way possible.


	15. Chapter 15

Steve was still in the exact same position when Sam came out into the living room for the third time. It was after dinner, and Steve had been perching on the sofa, his eyes empty and still on the clock hanging on the opposite wall.

The hour hand was slowly crawling towards ten, and on the little tea table stood a cup of coffee that had lost its original warmth. It was made by for Steve at around seven, but not a drop of it had been consumed.

‘Cap…’ Sam couldn’t help but wave before Steve. ‘Are you alright there?’

‘Huh?’ Steve broke out of his trance, slowly, and with some obvious effort, his eyes came into focus on Sam’s face. ‘Uh… yeah. What’s the matter?’

Sam only squinted. A moment later: ‘No, you’re not.’

He plopped down on the sofa beside Steve and clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Would you like a talk? You know what I used to do right, I’m good at dealing with the mind.’

Steve smiled bitterly. ‘Thank you, but I… I don’t know where to start.’

Sam thought for a bit and ventured, ‘so… it’s about Bucky?’

Steve sighed. ‘He’s not back yet.’

‘Maybe… maybe he’s simply out an unwinding. We have a two-day vacation from Fury, two days!’ Sam sounded very sure of himself. ‘I say, Cap, you don’t to worry at all. Just think about his killer gaze – that alone scares the hell out of most people. Well, obviously not you. Ha ha.’ 

&&&&&&&&&

Bucky caught Steve’s hand.

It had snaked into his shirt, caressing his bare back, and had now slid down to his waist, slyly toying with the belt loops and exploring its way to the dangerous regions below.

‘Don’t – not here…’ Bucky struggled to regain his voice in the tiniest break he seized during the kiss, ‘I don’t wanna go live on a _Ferris wheel_. And… and you’re wearing Steve’s face. What if somebody is filming us?’ 

Suddenly Steve flung himself forward, his lips pressing hard on Bucky’s, like he was punishing him.

‘But I_ am_ Steve,’ he said, giving a deliberate bit on Bucky’s lips that were already starting to swell, and with that he grinded down further, his tone provoking, ‘I am him, and he is me. This is _my_ face. So what if someone is filming? Is that to say Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes kissing is some jaw-dropping big news? – Even so, it is only right and just!’

Bucky’s temper rose. ‘You –‘

But the next second found Steve’s head in the nook of Bucky’s neck, exhaling a breath that was long and hot. And then he released him.

Every inch of Steve’s flesh that was not covered by clothes radiated heated desire, his blonde hair tousled by their passionate union. He looked sexy and almost feral. A safe distance was established between them as he pulled apart reluctantly. Bucky sneaked a glance at his now bulky crotch; as though scorched by the side, he looked away quickly.

‘You’re right…’ Steve’s eyes were still on Bucky as they sparkled with a turmoil of emotions thinly restrained by reason, ‘you’re right. We, we… can’t do it here.’ 

* * *

‘I’m not worried about that,’ words slipped through Steve’s tight lips, ‘I’m guessing he’s now with Roger Grant.’

Sam’s eyebrows went up and down a few times. 

‘I mean… yeah? Probably? They left together after the briefing.’

Steve was silent again. He propped his chin on his hands, his elbows on his knees. He looked straight ahead, and the cold coffee stood just like that, returning his empty gaze. His head sunk between his arms in a sudden movement, his fingers grazing the fine blonde hair.

‘I, I don’t… I don’t know what’s happening to me…’ He sighed gravely and sat up again. For the first time, he sounded tired and cynical. ‘Maybe I do need a talk after all, Sam.’ 

* * *

The Ferris wheel came to a stop. Steve and Bucky got off, looking very decent. The embers were still glowing, but the flames had been put out for the moment.

They cautiously maintained this delicate equilibrium on the way home. No one initiated to talk, and no one took a step quicker or slower to change the distance between them; for if the balance was tipped, everything they had so assiduously maintained would go into nothingness.

But all that surface pretence collapsed as soon as they reached Bucky’s doorsteps.

‘You should go.’ Bucky studied the pattern of the tiles, not daring to meet the burning gaze. ‘It’s almost eleven.’

Faster than lightning, Steve gripped his arm with claw-like fingers, pulling him into the dark of the room. ‘_Don’t even think about it_.’

* * *

‘I… I feel very dirty,’ Steve said difficultly as though his tongue was glued to the floor of his mouth. ‘Ashamed. Depraved,’ he continued, mercilessly attacking himself. ‘I shouldn’t have that thought about my best friend. We’ve known each other for a century, and he never once told me about his sexuality. I too never thought too much about it. But… but when I see him with somebody else, and they look so good together, suddenly… something very dark, very selfish arises within me… jealousy, yes, that’s what I’d put it… it’s the ugly truth. It’s very painful.’

Sam’s eyes were wide, and his jaw, if possible, would have dropped to the floor.

‘Oh. My. God.’ Sam stammered, and could only pick up his voice again a moment later. ‘Did I get it right? You mean, you… you’re talking about Bucky, right? And you… you’ve developed feelings for…’

‘I can’t bear this anymore, Sam,’ Steve was looking at Bucky squarely, his expression conflicted, ‘on the one hand, I want Bucky to come back, sit next to me like he always does, and talk to me, and then tell me goodnight; but on the other hand, I’m scared about the whole thing because… I don’t know whether I can still face him with the same attitude as I’ve always had to him. I have been imaging how I’d do this as soon as I understood that I’m jealous of Grant, but…’ 

‘Um… can’t you just… be your usual self? ‘Cause you two are like…’ Sam stammered as he struggled to put together words into sentences. ‘Actually, Grant, he – no, I can’t say it. But I don’t think, um, that you need to be jealous of him because you’re… I mean Bucky, he’s… Fuck, I give up! Anyway, you and Bucky… Fuck! Motherfuckers –‘

He seized the three-hour-old coffee and gulped down all at once. Stunned, Steve could only watch; he didn’t understand why Sam appeared to be more affected by his confession than he was. 

‘Alright there, dude?’

‘Captain, let me just get this clear and right: are you saying that – you’re in love with your best friend?’ Sam regained his strength after he KO’d the coffee, and his tongue was working again. ‘You’re in love with him, not as in, friends love, but like, romantic love, love like how a man would do a woman – just like your love for Peggy?’

Steve frowned. ‘No, I think there’s still some difference. Peggy to me was –‘

‘Okay, okay – listen, if there’s a difference, then this is certainly all misunderstanding on your part,’ Sam interjected; he sounded as though he was relieved. ‘Stop overthinking. You’re probably only jealous because you feel like Bucky’s boyfriend stole him away from you. But don’t you worry, I can promise you that no one can ever replace you as the most important person to him, not even _yourself_!’

* * *

No one gave a thought to the light. As soon as they were safe from the outside world, Steve didn’t wait a second longer to pin Bucky on the wall.

‘What about here?’

‘We really shouldn’t be doing this,’ said Bucky, nervously reading the blue eyes that shone in the dark – they were now a few shades darker than in daylight, but it was because of that they appeared much more alluring. ‘I feel like a thief, and I’m stealing away Peggy’s – hmmph –‘

Steve’s tongue forced Bucky’s jaw open, strongly, firmly, uninvited. It lapped on his pearly teeth and twirled with his tongue. It was a long, drowning kiss. After making sure Bucky had been kissed to the point of being incapable of uttering a single syllable, Steve turned to his ears, shoulder, neck and finally his Adam’s apple.

‘Don’t ever mention other women when we’re making love.’ Steve warned, nibbling his ear. 

‘But that doesn’t mean the ring isn’t on your finger anymore,’ said Bucky rather anticlimactically. 

Steve raised his left hand. ‘Look here, Bucky, there is _nothing _on my finger!’

And then he sneaked it under Bucky’s shirt and lifted it up, his voice raspy, ‘and this hand is going to do many, many unspeakable things to you…’

Bucky gasped for oxygen, hoping it would pump reason into his brain and pull against the crumbling wall of lust. At the same time, Steve’s fingers were on his nipples, fidgeting, teasing them. When he deemed it enough, he bowed and sucked on the red little thing that had hardened into a bud.

‘Fuck you, Steve…’ Bucky pulled on the shock of blonde hair that floated before his chest, feeling like he was going to break into two halves as he strained to kept his head up from the numbing waves of serotonin and sex drive while his body stretched out like a flower, urging Steve to _go on_. Hopeless, dejected, torn, he screamed, ‘You selfish asshole, how can you do this to me? You say you love me, but you went on to marry fucking Peggy – I’m so fucking mad at myself at telling you that I’m fucking gay, I wish I’d never done that – I should’ve gone on living a single life, not telling a single living soul about anything – no dates, no hookups, no whatsoever but my hopes and feelings for you all bottled up – that’s still better than living the ordeal you’re putting me through!’

‘That’s a big load of bullshit! Stop torturing yourself!’ said Steve with a growl, and then he lifted Bucky’s legs around his waist and leaned in so that their groins, now bulky and blood-filled, were grinding together. ‘Coming to the future tells me only one thing: that what we’re doing now will not in any way change the fact that we’ll still be together in the future. You are still my –‘

But this sent an electrifying chilliness through Bucky.

‘Get the fuck off me!’ He exploded suddenly, trying to kick Steve off him. ‘You think you’re fucking smart, don’t you? But if this continues, how am I to face the other you who’s got a fucking wedding ring up his finger, and who knows not a damn thing about what’s happened between his past self and me? Scram, scram! I have to go, I can’t –‘ 

‘And don’t ever mention any other men in front of me!’ howled Steve, lunging at Bucky and the wall with his four-times-normal supersholdier strength. ‘Especially him – leave him off for a second, will you? –‘

‘Wake the fuck up!’ That was the final straw for Bucky; for the first time his Vibranium arm whirred, and Steve was knocked off from him. ‘You know that he is simply just you!’ 

He stumbled backwards, and froze.

* * *

‘…no, that’s not what I meant,’ Steve sighed; he sounded dejected. ‘I mean, Peggy was an amazing woman. I loved her, and still more I admired her. We missed each other in life; it was a regret, yet a beautiful one. Bucky… Bucky though, I don’t know, words elude me… I am a bit afraid of myself now.’

Sam didn’t make a sound. He didn’t even dare to breathe loudly.

Steve continued as though talking to himself, ‘I realised that, even if I didn’t find out I was morbidly possessive about him, I have always been acting like that – whether in the 40s or the modern times, I’ve always been bringing Bucky back from other places, always wanted him to stay… but I never ask if he wants to stay with me. I’m too selfish, aren’t I?’

Sam’s brain was all muddled. His lowered his eyes, and they rested on the ring on Steve’s hand. ‘I’m sorry, Cap, but I don’t quite understand you’ – he couldn’t help but ask – ‘what do you mean, you and Peggy Carter “missed each other”? But weren’t you… I mean, isn’t that your wedding ring?’

Steve stared at the golden ring, looking a little confused.

‘Oh, that…’ He was silent for a while. ‘I don’t know how to explain it, but I promised someone not to tell anybody. But no matter, I don’t wanna talk about that anyway.’

* * *

Bucky’s hair was tousled, his shirt half off, as danger spread like a dark cloud between the thick air of hormones and feral instincts. 

‘Yes, we both know he is me; we are the same person,’ Steve said lowly at last, ‘so you love me, Bucky – follow your heart, and stop torturing yourself.’

He sprang forth like a lion to a prey.

‘You goddamn motherfu…’ Bucky murmured a final curse, put his arms around Steve’s neck and succumbed to fate. Steve crushed his lips against Bucky’s, greedy for every inch of the precious skin. The great force sent a pang of pain through Bucky’s lips; he bit back on the intruding lips. Steve yelped but didn’t let go. His other hand cupped Bucky’s head, and the bloodied kiss spread tears, hurt and lust between their lips and teeth like butter on bread. 

They stripped off every remaining piece of clothing between them.

* * *

‘I think you should call him,’ said Sam, scratching his head, finally trotting out a brilliant idea of which he was quite proud. ‘As far as I know, Bucky and Grant aren’t really together. They’re only… well, they’re only pretending.’

Steve was positively stunned. ‘What, really? But have you seen how Grant looks at Bucky? Sometimes it’s like he wants to eat him alive! That doesn’t seem like pretending to me. And then there is still the question: _why_ are they doing that?’

‘Oh my god, a coffee clearly isn’t providing enough energy for me to explain this…’ Sam muttered and looked around. He thought he was going crazy. ‘Damnit, there’s no vodka around?... Right, let me put it this way, Cap: you have your secrets, and I have mine. The only thing I can tell you right now is that Bucky is single. Got it? At least until noon today. So, if you’ve figured yourself out, then – it’s time to get your groove back!’

‘Is it?’ Steve hesitated. ‘I’m not sure, Sam. What if… what if Bucky doesn’t like it? I mean… Even if he does have feelings for me, it’s been so many years, and he never said anything… or actually, his type is more Roger Grant –‘

Sam suddenly leaped up, pulled out the phone from Steve’s pocket and chucked it onto the sofa. ‘I’m so done with you guys – no, shut up, you veteran! As Captain America, I command that you give your Winter Solider a call _now_. I can’t stand it a second longer.’ 

* * *

When Steve had finally got hold of a jar of Vaseline and pressed his naked body on Bucky’s, his phone started ringing.

‘Ignore that.’ Steve leaned in for another kiss, at the same time fiddling with their erect cocks. Bucky felt only hot blood throbbing through his veins, washing him anew with ecstasy and extreme delirium, but managed to free a hand under Steve’s weight and took his phone which was the nightstand.

‘Um… I can’t.’ He dodged another attack from Steve’s lips. ‘I have to pick it up. It’s from Steve. There must be something –‘

‘It’s from no one. _I am Steve._’ He snatched the phone and hurled it over Bucky’s head. It broke with a clear _clang_, but Bucky didn’t even have the chance to witness that because Steve had already lifted one of his leg, and pushed in a finger into the puckered hole.

‘Oh fuck…’ Bucky’s breath caught. ‘D’you even know how to… fuck – don’t try me –’ 

‘Buck, Buck…’ Steve called out deliriously, his finger working a little faster now. Soon, he added a second finger, and then a third. Their foreheads were touching so that Bucky could look nowhere else but was forced to look into his wanton face. The close proximity had allowed Steve to lick his lips while fucking him with his fingers.

‘You’re beautiful…’ His hot breath battered against Bucky’s face. ‘And so, so tight…’

Bucky was shaking with heavy breaths as well. Steve’s invasion was making him sore. He moaned, and managed to mutter when he was conscious enough to form words, ‘I, I want to… ah… want to beat the shit outta… you…’

‘You can, you’re welcome to do that anytime…’ Finally, Steve pulled out his fingers and replaced him with his bigger, thicker cock, rasping, ‘You can beat me however you like when I fuck you.’

* * *

‘There were beeps, and then it ended,’ said Steve.

‘Are you sure? He never switches off his phone, unless –‘ Sam’s mouth closed abruptly. His eyes were scarily wide. ‘Fuck! Are you kidding me!’

Steve’s blue eyes had lost their signature brilliance. They floated mindlessly around the screen of his cell phone. At length, he looked up.

‘It looks like they’re enjoying their night… Yeah, I really shouldn’t disturb them.’

Sam was blinking rapidly, his lips trembled as he tried to comfort Steve, ‘I… this… fuck me, what is even is this – I can’t believe it! – He –‘

‘It’s okay, Sam,’ Steve patted his shoulder as a smile pulled itself sadly and reluctantly between his cheeks, ‘It’s too late… I’ve lost him forever.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A song I've always associated with Stucky is Soldier by Samantha Jade. Go give it a listen!! It's so fitting and good


End file.
